The Gamer's Guide to Vacation

Summer is upon us, and with it, we emerge from our dark basements and gaming dens to sample the great and wondrous treasures this world has to offer. Yes, I'm talking about vacation, those glorious trips to various, far flung parts of the world where we experience the best that leisure has to offer, while at the same time, remind us why we choose to spend so much of our time not interacting with other human beings.

Seeing how gamers can be, how do I put this nicely, an obsessive lot, I've come up with some tips to help you get the most out of your vacation, while at the same time not end up so distraught over being disconnected from your hobby that you end up trying to play Barbie Horse Adventures on an Xbox made out of driftwood and dead jellyfish.

I should note that I'm going on vacation next week and will do my best to post, however I can't guarantee anything. This will differ wildly from normal weeks in that at least this time, you know ahead of time that I'm ignoring you.

Check the Calendar
The easiest way to ensure you don't miss a moment of pure, gaming goodness is to check the calendar and avoid content heavy months. Going on a trip to beautiful Prague in October or November is, in a word, stupid. Vacationing anywhere during the heady holiday buying season is a no-no, unless your traveling to your basement and have just told family and co-workers that you're in Europe so that they won't bother you while you play GTA IV.

The summer months are usually fine as game releases slow to a trickle, except for the various movie tie in games that undoubtedly suck as much, if not more, than the explosive, blockbuster bullshit they're based on. Now that E3 is dead and gone, travel restrictions in May have also been lifted. Take me, for example. I looked at the calendar for this coming week and saw that nothing was going on of any gaming importance, so I was free to be away from my 360. What? The Halo 3 Beta? Ha-ha-ha. Very funny. Wait, what? You're serious? Dammit!

Location, Location, Location
Where you go on vacation can be just as important as when you go on vacation as certain destinations will allow you to keep your finger on the pulse of gaming while others will allow you to keep your finger on the pulse of a badger or a wild boar. Here's a breakdown of common vacationing spots:

The Woods
Pros: No one fights over the Wiimotes because there's no power. Allows you to fulfill MMORPG fantasies of beating on small rodents with big sticks. Mosquitos eat free.
Cons: You're forced to live like savages, hanging your food from trees and pooping in a hole you dug yourself. No Wi-Fi. Bears not as friendly in real life as they were on "Gentle Ben".

The Beach
Pros: Usually near cities for evening portable recharging. Hot chicks in bathing suits. Allows you to fulfill MMORPG fantasies of unleashing your "healing potion" on jellyfish stings.
Cons: Grandmas in bathing suits. Impossible to get sand out of a Sixaxis. Pale gamer skin prone to bursting into flame when exposed to more than 20 minutes of continuous sunlight.

The City
Pros: Ample power and internet connections for marathon gaming sessions. Game stores abound. Opportunity to meet online only gaming friends in person.
Cons: You're not fooling anyone by claiming you're "vacationing" in Cleveland. Meeting online only gaming friends in person reminds you why you choose to only meet people online.

The Mountains
Pros: Clear line of sight for exceptional cell phone service.
Cons: Amorous mountain goats.

Equipment Check
Obviously you're going to take some kind of video game system with you. I mean, let's be serious here. If you're like me, you could no sooner be away from your liver for a week than you could your DS and it's good buddy Mr. Puzzle Quest. Which system you bring will depend on a number of factors, including length of stay, who's going with you and the other planned activities. Once again, I break it down for you.

Portables
Here we consider the DS, the PSP and most cell phone games. Portables offer the easiest opportunity to game on the go, however your game type selection is limited and unless you're planning on trading for Grandma's Squirtle, the games don't necessarily let the rest of the family in on the action. By the way, "Grandma's Squirtle" would be an excellent name for a rock band.

Consoles
The Wii would be an excellent choice if traveling to visit family, however prying the Wiimote out of Uncle Charlie's hands after he relives his glory days as a high school tennis player may not be your idea of a fun time. Be prepared to explain what a "mini-game" is as you won't find much more than that on this system. The 360 is an excellent choice, except for the fact that even the slightest of jostling may cause the dreaded Red Ring of Death, or quite possibly, a thermonuclear explosion. The 360 also opens up the possibility of your 7 year old cousin scoring multiple headshots on you, and I don't think your ego can handle that. The PS3 is a sturdy machine, capable of traveling well, however after purchasing one you probably don't have any money left for vacationing. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

PCs
A souped up gaming laptop offers the best mix of games and also allows you to turn that Shriner's Convention into a LAN party, provided the hotel doesn't mind you taking over the business center. The laptop can also double as a DVD player on the plane which will come in handy when the airlines start dropping movies to cut costs. Just leave the hentai at home. The downside of the laptop is that you may, upon arriving at your hotel, want to log in for "just a quick second" to see what your WOW guild is doing and then, 5 days later, realize you never left your hotel room and instead spent several thousand dollars to engage in an activity you could have done at home, free of charge.

As you can see, making the correct gaming choices can be the difference between an exciting and meaningful vacation that allows you to reconnect with family and friends, and a trip where you stay abreast of gaming news and manage to finally capture your last Pokemon to the delight of no one but yourself. Choose wisely!

When I'm Thirty-Five

And lo, on this day a child was born and it was good.

That child, in case you haven't guess yet, was me. Well, not just me, as I have it on good authority that other people also share this birthday, but for the purposes of this post, the child in question is me. Glad we got that cleared up.

Yes dear reader, I am the grand old age of 35 today. In many parts of the world, this would put me at, or beyond middle age. I still have a few years to get to that part for here in the good old U S of A, provided my lumbago doesn't act up and kill me. Can you even die of lumbago? Something to ponder.

This birthday is different from my recent birthdays in that I'm working today. Well, I'm at work today. Ever since I had kids, every one of my celebratory birthday days off has been crashed by a sick child so I decided to end the streak today and go to work. In retrospect, this was a bad idea as I'd really like to be at home right now playing Okami. Next year I'll try and fake them out and take the day after my birthday off. That'll teach those fuckers.

Being that it's my birthday, I think it's time to take stock in my life and see where I am in my grand plans for complete global domination.

Health
A healthy dictator is a happy dictator. Once I take over the world, I can't have rumors of poor health sparking the populace into revolt. I don't know how Castro does it as he appears to have died several years ago and now is just an animated corpse, ruling from beyond the grave. So far, I have no health issues to speak of, other than all the skin on my face falling off. Seriously. It's kind of gross. I think it's stress. Really, I have no idea, but after a trip to the dermatologist, things appear to be under control. On the plus side, if it continues, I can get one of those bad ass Cobra Commander hoods. It's what every despot needs! I'd consider a Destro style metal mask, but I don't think that thing breathes too well. What's that gotta smell like at the end of a hard day of mercenary style destruction? Not good.

I have applied for life insurance so that my family is provided for should I perish, and in doing so have gotten a full run down on all of my bodily humours. No real surprises there. Slightly low good cholesterol and slightly high non-bad fat. Basically I need to eat more fish and exercise. I abhor fish, so that ain't gonna happen but I have started working out 3 times a week. We have a free gym in my office building now, so between that and rollerblading I've already lost no weight to speak of. This is mostly because I haven't changed my eating habits any. I figured that if I started working out and starving myself, I wouldn't stick to either, so my plan is to get used to working out and then start eating less. So far I'm finding working out quite enjoyable as the treadmill allows me to keep up on all of my magazines. There's nothing like walking on a treadmill while reading "Food and Wine" and watching the Food Network. Hmmmm, I think I see why I'm not eating less.

Career
The job is going swimmingly, thanks. Everyone is still very nice to work with and I'm enjoying the work. Testing can still be boring, but there's enough test case development and general process improvement stuff to make it interesting. Plus, at times the workload is slow enough to allow me to do things like post on this here site. Can't complain there.

On a somewhat related note, I've been given the opportunity to write game reviews over at GameShark.com. I'm not considering it a done deal until I see my name over there on a review, but just the fact that they're willing to give me a shot is enough for me. I don't see this as being a career change for me, as 50 bucks a review ain't gonna feed my family, but to be paid for something that I've written, no matter how small is a huge deal for me. I've been writing on this site, and it's previous incarnation for about 4 years now and it's always been tough for me to get my writing out in front of more eyes. That's not to say that I'll be using GameShark to promote this site, but the fact that more people will be able to read my writing is thrilling. It's also completely terrifying and I get wigged out about once a day over it. I apologize in advance for the GameShark pimpery that begins once my reviews start popping up.

Family
The family is great. No complaints there. The kids are still a pain in the ass, but at 2 and 4, that's pretty much their function. I'm not going to jinx anything and mention anything else positive about them and instead just say that they are functioning well within normal operational parameters.

Linda continues to be the bright point in my life. I don't know what I'd do without her and I'm thankful for every day I get to spend with her. She too is still a pain in the ass.

Leisure
This is where the majority of my problems lie. There's just not enough time in the day to do everything I want to do. There are too many movies to watch and games to play and not enough time to do it. I'm about a third of the way through Okami, about half way through Guitar Hero 2, still have to finish Gears of War in Insane, haven't broken 200 in Wii Sports bowling yet and have over 100 movies that I've purchased and haven't watched yet. I also have a stack of PS2 and Gamecube games to play and I have to finish Puzzle Quest and Pokemon Diamond. If you add review games to the mix, I'll be spending even less time playing the games I've purchased. Not a bad problem to have, but a problem nonetheless. Hopefully, once I've ground the world beneath my boot heel I'll have some spare time. I'm hoping to outsource all of the putting down of uprisings, so that should free up some time on my schedule.

So, as you can see, things are going pretty well for me, which is why I expect to be flattened by a piano the moment I stop writing this and get u---

Ouch.

Morning Laugh

Bones, this one is for you. I was going to post something Wed. night, but I got lazy. Then I felt bad that I didn't have a laugh for you on Thursday morning. I plan on posting Thursday morning, but in the event I don't get it done before your visit, I now present you with my most favoritest joke in the whole world.

Ahem.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Thank you! And thank you to Groucho Marx, from whom I stole it.

News from the Front

Last night I was treated to a balls to the wall explosion of Nerdcore Hip-Hop by none other than the godfather of the movement, MC Frontalot.

The Front put on an amazing show to a packed audience of approximately 50 or so people. While that may seem like an extremely low number, there are a few things to consider. One, is that it was a Sunday night. Two is that wack sucka punks were expressly forbidden from entering. This may have had a detrimental effect on the number of people attending, however the quality of the audience members far exceeded anything you'd find at a mainstream concert.

And what a concert it was! Front had a live band behind him and they did an admirable job providing him with the mad beats he thrives on. He played a nice mix of old and new stuff, and even used a 20 sided die to spin a tale of nerdcore hip-hop like the world has never seen. "Secrets From the Future", "Origin of the Species", "Special Delivery" and "I Heart Fags" were particularly rocking and threatened to shake the world's very foundation.

As great as the music was, the best part of the evening was being able to chat with Front, and his band leader Gaby prior to the show. Front was kind enough to sell me a t-shirt and autograph a cd prior to his set, however the opening band was so loud, I was unable to communicate except for crude hand gestures. I don't know about you, but I am unable to convey deep musical appreciation with only my hands. Upon returning from the restroom, I saw him chilling outside and decided to do the usual fanboy thing and completely butt in on his personal time. Oh yeah.

Front was very gracious in taking the time to speak to me. It's rare to be able to express, in person, one's gratitude to the artists that provide us with so much enjoyment. I told him how much I loved the new album and how the hooks and beats were so good, that I couldn't see any reason why it couldn't compete with anything on the radio. He seemed pleased, and even said, that I should tell Gaby, the aforementioned band leader, the same thing. He then called Gaby over with a "Hey Gaby, he really likes the record." He then politely excused himself so that he could get changed for the show. I chatted with Gaby for another 10 minutes before he had to leave about a number of topics including the upcoming Nerdcore documentary,"Nerdcore Rising", how well the current album is doing and how past shows went. Gaby was just as nice and as accommodating as Front was and even suggested that I email Baddd Spellah to tell him how much I enjoyed the beats on Front's album. For the record, I have done just that.

After the show, Front was back selling merchandise and posing for pictures. I complimented him on his awesome performance and my friend Joel snapped the following picture.

If you were to suggest that Front and yours truly were separated at birth, I would not deny it. I usually don't wear glasses except for when driving, but seeing how I was among my people, I felt comfortable enough wearing them. It's been a long time since I've felt comfortable wearing glasses. I even got complimented on my shirt by someone who said that they'd seen it online, and always wanted to buy it, but never were brave enough to actually wear it out. Apparently it takes a special kind of person to wear in public a shirt depicting a monkey milking a cow. I am just that special.

You've still got some time to see Front out on tour, and if you can, please do so. You'll be supporting a great artist and will be treated to an evening of fantastic live music in the process. Seems too easy, I know, but I checked, and there's just the right amount of ease involved.

Parenting Tips, Part Deux

Exciting things are afoot. Maybe. I don't want to get into it too much as I don't want to jinx it, and I don't know all of the details yet, but there's a possibility that my "work" may reach a larger audience. No, I'm not talking about plastering the neighborhood with copies of my stuff. As I said, I don't want to say too much, so I'll just choose to not say any more. It's cryptically delicious!

There was a pretty good response to my last post regarding parenting tips, so I've decided to supplement them with real world examples from our recent experiences.

On You and Wrongness
We're in the middle of potty training our daughter and it is not what I'd call a raging success. Half of the time we can catch her before she goes all over the place, but usually she'll sit there for 15 minutes, then get off and promptly pee all over herself. At this point she sees the potty nothing but a nuisance as it requires her to stop whatever she's doing every 15 minutes and try and go to the bathroom. Some days she sees this as more than a nuisance and gets downright pissed off. This is accompanied by a fair amount of crying. This is rare and only happens when she's tired, or in a bad mood. Ok, maybe it's not that rare, but it's not all the time either. My in-laws were in town this past weekend and my mother-in-law, who thinks that her granddaughter can do no wrong, seemed to think that us putting Abby on the toilet, when she didn't want to go was some form of psychological abuse. My mother-in-law called Linda on Monday and asked Linda if Linda thought that the potty training was, and I quote, "damaging Abby's psyche."

Once again, we are always wrong.

Here's the thing about young, toddler-age kids. They have it pretty damn easy. They have no job and no chores. They have all their meals provided to them free of charge and with no strings attached. They can eat like pigs with minimal social backlash and just crap in their pants whenever they want to, knowing full well that at some point, some adult will clean them up and send them on their merry way. Diapers these days have become so technologically advanced that they could carry a month's worth of water, to the point that the kid feels no discomfort when they go in them. Asking a kid who doesn't have to take the time to stop and go to the bathroom, to stop and go to the bathroom isn't going to damage their psyche, it's just going to annoy them. What will damage my daughter's psyche is her going to prom in a diaper.

We also recently moved her to a bed, and like most kids who are no longer confined to a crib, she gets down and out of bed and frolics in her room prior to going to bed. We're fine with that, as we went through similar experiences with my son, and continually going up and yelling at him to get into bed isn't particularly relaxing for anyone involved. Her room is childproofed and as long as she stays in bed once we tell her it's time to go to sleep, we're ok. The problem is that sometimes, after she's been told to go to sleep, she gets pretty damn upset. If, at this point, you thought that my daughter gets upset at a wide range of trivial matters, you would be entirely correct. After we told her to go to bed one time, and she started screaming, my mother-in-law asked us if we thought that leaving Abby's bedroom door open would be a solution to the screaming. Well, certainly it would, however it wouldn't get her to go to bed. See, when she pounds on the door, it's not because she's a budding percussionist. She wants to get out of the frakking room! Because Abby is crying, and her grandmother can't bear to hear it, whatever we're doing to cause the crying, even if it's perfectly legitimate like, oh, I don't know, putting her to bed, must be wrong.

Bollocks.

Sometimes, your child's crying is the only indication that you've gotten through to them. I'm not suggesting that you make them cry every time you want to make a point, but once she stopped crying, she fell asleep. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

Who knew you could ever be so wrong, so much and still be allowed to raise children? Truly we live in glorious times. I can't wait until my kids grow up and start raising their children in a completely wrong environment. Oh the times we'll have!

As a Service to Our Readers

I had planned on posting something every day this week. As you can see, I have failed from the outset. There are times I lament the loss of free will that has come with my DS. I am powerless to resist it, often times losing entire stretches of my evening to its dual screened clutches. I try to put it down, but then there's an ogre that needs an ass whupping, or my mount needs training, not to mention the scores and scores of wild Pokemon hiding in the tall grass just waiting to be imprisoned, catalogued and forced into battle for my amusement. It is not that I don't love you, dear readers, I've just found something that I love more. It happens. Try not to take it personally.

To make up for my complete and total ignoring of this site, and you by extension, I have decided to bestow upon you, free of charge, my sage, child rearing advice. Greg Howley of Blog of Wonder fame and his tastefully named wife Linda are expecting their first child this summer and I, being not only a super awesome parent, but super generous, have decided to share my parenting tips. I know, I know. No need to thank me. Those of you who are already accustomed to spending time with your own little monsters, er, offspring, may well find good information here. Those of you who don't feel the need to spend all of your free time and money on beings that will ultimately grow to hate and abandon you need only keep reading to affirm your decision to stay unshackled until the icy finger of death frees you from your lonely, unfulfilled existence.

1. Everything You Do Is Wrong
This is probably the biggest, most important tip I can give you . Everything you do as a parent will be wrong. Everything. You'll know this because everyone from your parents to random people on the street will tell you how everything you're doing to raise your child is wrong to the nth degree of wrongness. Eventually, and by eventually I mean roughly 7 minutes into your journey as a parent, you will begin to question every decision you make, and every action you take as a parent. This will extend from the mundane like, should little Timmy have strained peas or strained broccoli for dinner to the extreme like, should I have let Timmy burn his hand on the stove, or should I have not pushed him out of the way, instead opting for a more verbal approach. Sometimes, when you're out and about, you'll see a parent freaking out at their child. This parent has gotten their higher consciousness so caught up in thinking and over thinking that the lower brain functions had to take over and prevent this child from running roughshod over the world. For the record, the lower brain functions don't take no shit.

2. Babies are Hella Boring
It's true. Oh sure, there's that whole parental wonder thing going on, but for the most part, infants are rocking the express train to Snoresville. You may get all excited when the baby rolls over for the first time, or sits up for the first time, but after an hour of watching the same baby roll over and sit up, you're ready to shoot yourself. Be sure to take this valuable time when your baby is immobile to catch up on your reading, or your tv watching and video game playing. If you're worried about them seeing violent content, just turn them away from the tv. It'll be a good 6 months before they can right themselves so they can see what you're doing. Watching HGTV or the Food Network is also an option. You've got the rest of your life to interact with them. Besides, once they start crawling and pulling themselves upright, your days as a sedentary, lazy-ass parent are over.

3. They Will Always Get Sick At the Most Inconvenient Time Ever. E-V-E-R.
Upon reading this, you might think that there's no convenient time to get sick, so what's the big deal? Not so. If both parents work, the weekend is much more convenient time as you don't have to take any time off of work to tend to little Mary Jane Snot-n-Cough. If only one parent works, the weekend is more convenient as now there are two of you to worry that little Timmy's fever means the onset of Diphtheria. I know what you're thinking. "Why would I want to ruin my weekend with a sick kid?" Well, I got news for you pally. You're weekend got ruined the minute the turkey timer popped up. You have kids now, you don't have weekends any more, at least not like you used to. Sleeping in? Gone. Leisurely reading the paper while you decide what to do for the day? Gone. Staying in bed and watching crappy movies on HBO because, what the hell else do you have to do? Gone. Gone. Gone. Oh sure, eventually you'll be able to do all that again, but it's so far off you might as well file it away with the hovercars, personal jetpacks and interstellar space travel. You're already with the kids, so why not have them be sick then, rather than when you're at work? Work is nice. Work has coffee and donuts and adult conversation. We like work. We don't want to have to be away from work because our kid's nose looks like a laffy taffy factory. The corollary to this rule is that kids will not get sick when it's inconvenient for them, only when it's inconvenient for you. They could get Typhoid Fever the day before they have a birthday party to go to, be fine for the party and then be back to being sick in time for you to go to work.

4. Children's Music Sucks
It does. There's some that's tolerable, but for the most part, children's music sucks. If you look hard enough, you can find normal people's music that will satisfy your children, whatever their musical tastes may be. Both of my children enjoy a good Bruce Springsteen album. My son prefers more melodic songs with lots of "la la la la" and "heyyyy ooooohh" kind of things so that he can sing along. For example, he likes "Boston" by Augustana and "Snow (Hey Oh)" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. My daughter is partial to the Rock. She doesn't seem to care what it is, as long as it shreds, but she has gotten down with her bad self to Pearl Jam, My Chemical Romance and Green Day. Exposing them to good music does three things. One, it makes car rides enjoyable as at least you get to listen to your music while your children blather on about riding in space tractors or some shit. Two, when your child is acting like a jerk you can look at them and think "Well, he likes the Red Hot Chili Peppers, so he can't be all that bad." Finally, if they grow up liking good music, then you can save yourself some money down the line and make them buy the cd's. Score!

5. There's Always Something
This is probably the second most important thing I can tell you. There is always something. A less positive way of saying this is that nothing is ever easy. For every thing you stress out over that ends up being fairly painless, something that seems simple will be a huge struggle. We recently moved my daughter to a bed. Part of this was to prepare for her being in a bed when we go on vacation, but part of this was because she seemed unhappy in the crib and we figured that if she was in a bed she could get down and play before going to sleep at night rather than screaming for an hour. My son plays at night and when he's ready for bed, he turns the light off, gets in his bed and goes to sleep. Seems pretty simple, right? Wrong. She's mastered the getting out of bed thing, but has also mastered the pounding on the door with her little fists and feet thing. When this happens, we go up and tell her to knock it off, which then causes her to break down in a fit of screaming rage because she's tired and doesn't want to go to bed. So now we've supplemented the previous crib screaming with furious door pounding. Nice. She doesn't seem to understand what the bed is for, as the past few nights when I've gone in to check on her before I turn in, she's asleep on the floor. My daughter seems to naturally gravitate to the high drama so things are a lot less easy with her than with my son, but he has had his fair share of difficult moments. If you can steel yourself with the knowledge that there's always something, perhaps you'll be better equipped to deal with it. Doubtful, but there's always hope.

At this point, I'm sure you're expecting me to close with some line about how all the hard work is worth it and it's the most rewarding and enriching experience you'll ever have. Well, I don't know what experiences you've had, so I have no idea if this will prove to be either rewarding or enriching. I do know however, that now that you have kids, you're stuck with them for the rest of your life, so it would be in your best interests to raise children that you'd like to hang out with. Barring a prison term on either of your parts, you'll be hanging out with them for quite some time. It is important that you do your part as a parent to not raise an asshole as the world has quite enough of them already, thank you very much. It's also important that you raise your kids such that you have a good relationship with them into their adulthood so that they can call you and complain about their kids doing the same things to them that they did to you. Then you can laugh, hang up and go back to watching your crappy HBO movie. After all, what the hell else do you have to do?

Two For the Price of One

Greetings! Sorry for the absence, but puzzles and quests had me in their steely grip. Pokemon Diamond arrived today, so I wouldn't expect a return to the daily schedule we had going on for those wonderful two weeks last month. Oh the glorious days of regular content, will we ever see your bright, shining face again?

The title of this post refers to the fact that I've invited my Xbox 360 to blog along with me. You can read his blog over at 360Voice.com. I'll be commenting on his posts, and occasionally I'll let him post over here. He can't talk about everything over there, as he has to play by their rules, but I have a feeling he'll figure out a way to get his message out.

I'm working on a larger post about kids for later in the week, but until then, enjoy this first in an occasional series I like to call...

Conversations With a Four Year Old

Half of southern Georgia is currently on fire, and Sunday the winds were from the south, so the metro Atlanta area smelled like smoke and had a slight haze to it. As we were all going out to the car to get ready to the grocery store, Linda and I were talking about how it smelled like smoke. We pick up the conversation as we were driving out of the neighborhood.

Ben: I don't see anything burning.
Me: Well, something is burning, because it smells like smoke.
Ben: No, I don't see anything burning.
Me: Just because you don't see something doesn't mean that it isn't there. It smells like smoke, so something is burning even though you can't see it.
Linda: Just like how sometimes you can see a plane or a helicopter, but sometimes you can only hear the plane or the helicopter. Just because you can't see the helicopter, it doesn't mean that it isn't there.
Ben: We're riding in a helicopter!
Me: Dude, you just totally lost that argument.

Ah children, will their wonders ever cease?

On Puzzles and Questing

Here it is, my long awaited Puzzle Quest DS post. I know you've all been waiting for it, anxiously hunched over your computer, hitting the refresh button over and over and over and over until finally, it arrived. I'll understand if you want to go and get a beverage, possibly use the toilet, maybe get all the weeping and tears of joy out of your system. OK, that's really quite enough. Seriously, you're embarrassing yourself.

Ok, so what is Puzzle Quest? Well, imagine a role playing game, deep and wide. Imagine you're a wizard, warrior, knight or druid in the service of your queen as your land is beset by all manner of unspeakable evil. Imagine that you meet your foe on the field of battle, weapon raised, spells charged, and as you and your foe come together in bloody conflict you play...Bejeweled.

Yes, Bejeweled. You know, match three or more jewels in a row and in doing so clear said jewels? Come on, Bejeweled! If you bought a cell phone in the past 5 years, you probably have a free version of it on there. No, that's your camera. No, that's your address book. Oh never mind.

In this case, instead of jewels you're matching mana gems, skulls, experience stars, gold coins, blue clovers and purple horseshoes. Matching blue, red, green and yellow mana gems give you mana of that color that you then use to cast spells. Matching purple stars gives you extra experience. Matching gold coins gives you extra money. Matching skulls reigns fiery destruction down upon your foe. Match 4 of something and you get an extra turn. Match 5 and you get a wildcard, an extra turn, a ham sandwich and a nice inspirational saying. As you remove pieces from the board, more come down triggering even more possible combos until your opponent kneels in supplication before you, or vice versa.

As you go about fighting beasties you can spend money to upgrade your citadel which then lets you lay siege to other cities, capture enemy creatures and force them to teach you their spells, forge new magical items, pay to have skills upgraded and finally, build lasting monuments to your greatness. Forging items is done by fighting creatures for runes and then via the playing board, only this time you have to remove a certain number of anvils from the board rather than destroy an enemy. If you get to where there aren't any more moves, you start over. When researching spells you have to a) clear away a set number of each color of gem, b) clear away a certain number of scrolls and c) keep the board in play lest you get to no more moves, have to start over and hurl your DS across the room.

As I mentioned before, you can capture creatures rather than fighting them if you've already beaten them 3 or more times. Capturing the beasties involves completing a puzzle where you remove a preset number of jewels from the board. If it's a beastie you can ride, you can use the captured creature as a mount which gives you the benefit of faster movement, possibly bypassing random encounters and stat upgrades. You also get to cast their spells in combat. Laying siege to a city gives you a monthly income as well as more points on the map to research spells, forge items etc. Laying siege puts you in a battle against the city, which usually has about twice as many hit points as you do, and the cities can nail you for double digit damage every time. Sieges can take some time, and the city has a chance of rebelling after you capture it, but the sweet, sweet victory is unparalleled in the game.

The game is amazingly addictive. Since getting it, I have played it pretty much nonstop. I have taken this game to bed with me to play it before I fall asleep. When I close my eyes, I see falling skulls and purple stars and I think it's glorious. Each match is a cat and mouse game of stockpiling the mana you need, while trying to do damage to your opponent and keep the mana they need from them, lest they go on a tear and fuck your ass up. Along with the main quest, there are plenty of side quests, including ones you can repeat should you want to capture beasties, missions to get runes, the aforementioned sieges and the games to forge items and research spells. There's also an instant action mode which pits you against the foe of your choosing and which allows you to bring the experience and cash spoils of war into your main quest for buffing up purposes. There's local multiplayer over Wi-Fi should you have friends who own a copy and you can keep two characters in play if you decide to see how the other half lives. I guess in this case, it would be the other three-fourths.

It's not all perfect. The graphics on the DS, while nice, aren't anywhere as beautiful as they were in the PC demo I've mentioned. Sometimes a wrong move will get registered by the stylus, which ends up then costing you 5 hit points. Until you get a mount that allows you to bypass random monsters, you'll fight the same creatures a lot which is fine for buffing yourself up, but can be a little repetitive. The sound is pretty much shit filled with horrible sound effects and crappy music. I'd definitely recommend turning the volume down on this one.

The AI is pretty good, although sometimes it seems like the computer can see the gems that are about to fall. You'll have a couple of instances per match where the computer makes one move and the resulting gems that fall causes their mana to fill completely, they put a massive hurt on you and get like 9 extra turns. You'll make a move and get some coins. Yay. With the right combination of spells and moves you can help offset the effects of such a situation, however it doesn't make it any less frustrating. All in all, it's a minor gripe and one that's easy enough to deal with. Occasionally you'll have things go your way and I'm sure that the computer is thinking you're cheating.

So far the main story line seems like your generic fantasy fare. There's some banished bad dude and he's causing beasties and such to do nasty things. Personally, I like the notion that I'm the good guy, in service to the queen, yet as soon as I got the ability, I was laying to siege to other cities and subjugating them to my will. In fact, the last city I captured, I did so right after I saved them from some two-headed ogre. The notion of them going from celebrating the ogre's demise to fleeing from my fireballs makes me cackle with glee. I am similarly tickled by capturing sentient beings and forcing them to teach me their arcane skills. I find strange things amusing. I'll give you that.

When Linda bought this game, it was 24 bucks at Target. This is a considerable value considering all you can do in the game. Did I mention that you can get people to join your party and do things for you? Well you totally can. Between this and Pokemon Diamond which drops next week, there's a substantial amount of gaming value to be had on the DS. Those of you with a PSP can also play Puzzle Quest, however your mounts will be sans skills and spells. This is certainly a manageable issue and one that shouldn't keep you from enjoying the game, however it should remind you that the PSP is teh sux0r. You also don't get Pokemon Diamond or Pearl, however given that most PSP owners aren't 10 year old boys, I think you'll get over it.

It's games like this that make handheld gaming so fun. Its gameplay is easy to pick up and understand, you can play it for hours if you want, or just for 5 or 10 minutes and there's a lot of gameplay available. All for less than the price of a "next gen" title. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some gems to match.

My Code of Conduct

Normally I don't comment on web stuff as I tend to not care, but of late there's been this whole brouhaha over the Web Code of Conduct, that I just can't resist. I know I said I'd be telling you about Puzzle Quest, but it's just going to have to wait. Again.

Without getting into it, two folks, namely Tim O'Reilly of Web 2.0 fame and Jimmy Wales of Wikipedia fame decided that there needed to be a Web Code of Conduct. A lot went into the thinking that all of us on the InterTubes needed to be told how to behave, but recently there have been a number of cases where bloggers, mostly female, have been harassed and sometimes threatened in the comments sections of the blogs they write for. Deleting these comments have caused some people to cry that their freedom of speech was being abridged, blah, blah, blah so Waled and O'Reilly decided that there needs to be a code of conduct so that folks reading a site know what they can expect in regards to comments and such and that folks writing for sites can feel like they can do what they need to, to keep things civil.

I can't think of a more complete waste of time.

Let me explain my own personal code of conduct in regards to this site so that we're all on the same page. I get to do this all free of charge as long as I don't do things expressly forbidden by Blogger. Not sure what those are, but I'm sure pirating copywritten content or posting porn has something to do with it. I can tell you that whatever they frown upon, I don't do it as they've never had a reason to bug me. Now, Blogger rules notwithstanding, this is my site and I can do whatever the fuck I want. I post when I want to and what I want to. I don't want to post copywritten material or porn, so I get to post what I want. If I wanted to post those things, I could get my own host and go from there. That's beside the point though. No one tells me how often I have to post, or what I have to post about.

Similarly, I don't tell people what they have to comment on, or how often they have to comment. I've never had to delete anyone's comments, mostly because the people who comment are friends of mine, but also because I just don't, thankfully, attract asshats. If someone were to come here and start talking shit. I'd tell them, via the comments, to knock it off and delete the offending comment. If they kept it up, I'd keep deleting the comments and, if need be, disable comments altogether. By the way, me deleting someone's comments has nothing to do with the commenter's first amendment rights, as the first amendment states " Congress shall make no law...or abridging the freedom of speech." I am a private citizen with a private site. I can deny you the ability to comment on it all the live long day. The government has nothing to do with it and as such, your first amendment right is just as happy and healthy as it was when we started this discussion.

Now, if, for whatever reason, I started just deleting comments all willy-nilly for no reason but to be a dickhead, you could just stop coming here. It's that simple. No one is making anyone go anywhere on the web. If you visit a site and you feel like the moderators/owners are deleting your comments just to dick you over, then stop going there. Another option is to objectively look at what you're writing in your comments and see if they're as benign as you think they are.

So, in a nutshell, here's my personal code of conduct: I won't be a dick to you and I expect you won't be a dick to me and the people who come here. If you do, I'll do whatever I can to keep you from continuing to to do. If you think I'm being a dick, please bring it to my attention. I'll keep an open mind, but if I don't think I'm being one, you can feel free to leave.

There, wasn't that simple? Now, your personal code of conduct is that you only post in your underwear and you insist on posting pictures of you in your underwear and anyone who doesn't comment in iambic pentameter gets their comment deleted. I probably won't spend a lot of time on your site, and I certainly won't be commenting, but I'm not going to tell you that you have to do things differently. If I don't like how you run things, I just won't show up.

To think that the Web needs some overarching policy telling people to basically, act nice, is stupid and ultimately useless. Anyone who would take the time to write a death threat in a comment thread obviously is not in their right mind. I mean, how many death threats have you ever made in your life, much less one that you took the time to write and then read and still felt it was a normal course of action? I have a feeling that someone who would take the time to post a death threat isn't going to be swayed by a code of conduct, nor are they going to react to the deletion of their comment with "Oh, well I was being a bit silly so I guess they were within their rights." I also think it's ironic that Wales is working on this policy when there's editors at Wikipedia selectively deleting entries on webcomics just because said editors don't feel like the webcomics are noteworthy enough. Talk about needing a code of conduct.

The bottom line is that if you're a dick at someone else's site, it's their site so they can prevent you from acting like an asshole to the best of their abilities. If you feel like you've been wronged, then fucking don't go back there. And Christ, if you run a site, have some fucking balls. Delete comments with impunity! Call people out for being jerkwads! Wield a banhammer! What fun is running a site if you can't arbitrarily muzzle someone? Bones, you're banned! Greg, you're banned! Linda, I know you don't comment but you're banned! Banned, banned, banned!

Ugh. Sometimes people can be so stupid. They really should consult with me first.

Paul Bunyan Reborn

I know that I had told you that I'd be providing my thoughts on Puzzle Quest, but instead I have a tale of an epic battle of man vs. tree. Well, man vs. stump anyways.

We're in the process of having some landscaping redone in our backyard and part of this effort involved the removal of a pear tree that had been voted "Ugliest Tree Ever" something like 17 years in a row. It was an ugly tree dynasty. The landscape company that we had remove the tree apparently felt that the removal of the stump didn't fall under their jurisdiction, and instead left it sitting out in the yard. Knowing full well that you can't put sod on a stump and expect the grass to take, and also knowing that I didn't want a stump sitting out in the middle of the grass just waiting to trip up children and break their wee little ankles, the stump removal task fell to me.

I did some research online on stump removal and found that it is possible to use various chemicals or combinations of household products, including powdered milk to rot the stump away naturally. Basically you drill some holes in the stump, pour your foul brew down into the holes, sit back and wait 2 to 3 years as some sort of fungus takes root and slowly eats away the tree. I don't have that kind of time, nor do I have any powdered milk, so clearly this wasn't the best course of action.

When chemicals and powdered milk aren't the answer to life's problems, it usually falls to good, old fashioned physical labor. Wow, I actually managed to type that with a straight face. While physical labor may be old fashioned, I hardly consider it "good", but what other choice did I have?

I found a strategy online which, on paper, sounded good, but in practice was a fucking waste of time. The idea is that you dig a trench about 2 feet around the stump, and about a foot deep and cut any roots you find. The idea here is that the roots get smaller as they move away from the tree thereby easier to break. This idea is bullshit. Yes, technically, the roots I found were 4.95 inches thick 2 feet from the stump, and 5 inches wide where they met the stump, however what this strategy doesn't consider is the roots that move down, diagonally so that 2 feet out and 1 foot deep doesn't uncover them. You then merrily go around the stump hatcheting roots and generally making your hand/wrist/arm feel like someone hit it repeatedly with a cinder block until you think you've broken them all. Then you go to move the stump and it doesn't go anywhere. I mean nowhere. It doesn't even move, like, a millimeter. I mean, I've kicked walls that have moved more than this fucking thing.

So, now that you've gone all the way around the damn thing, what's left? Well, you go and find a pickaxe, technically a mattock, and start going under the roots. The idea here was that if I have a stump with a 2 foot long, 5 inch thick root connected to it, and I can get under the root, I can use the root as leverage to pry the stump from its resting place. What ended up happening was that as I used my mattock to dig under the massive roots, all I found was more fucking roots. Each one was bigger and more stalwart than the past. Imagine someone took some kind of mutant, 16 limbed octopus, petrified it and then buried it in my backyard. This is what I was dealing with.

About an hour later, I had finally, finally, busted through every goddamn root connected to this fucking thing. I didn't know this until I swung the mattock for the last time, burying it deep under the stump, and gave the handle what would end up being one of my final pulls. The stump that had, up until this point, been completely unmovable, gave an inch. Then, when I pulled some more, it gave two. Then it gave three. Then, with a final, incredibly manly pull, I wrenched the stump out of the ground and held it aloft to the heavens. Ok, so I didn't hold it aloft as it weighs like 40 pounds, but I did bend over, huffed and puffed and said something like "Oh thank God." Then I tried to locate my testicles as all of this hard labor had made them migrate up into my liver.

Once I found them, I went inside, got my phone and took some pictures to commemorate my epic victory.
This first picture has me standing over my vanquished foe, and while I like the foreboding feel of my shadow, I realized after taking the picture, my shadow makes it very hard to see what I'm standing over. Maybe it's the stump, maybe it's a chest of pirate booty, maybe it's the dessicated remains of that insurance salesman who stopped by a few years ago and never moved on.

This second one shows the full weight of my effort. Next to the stump is my trusty mattock. I call him, "Mattock".

Now, all that's left is for the landscape guy to haul it away when he comes to clear out some other crap. I'll be damned if I'm going to haul the blasted thing up to the curb. He'll also need to fill in the hole with some dirt, but I think that's a small price to pay compared to the herculean task I undertook to remove Stumpzilla from the yard. A small price, indeed.

For Want of a Button, the Rock Was Lost

Tragedy struck today, tragedy most foul!

I invited a group of coworkers over at lunch time today so that they could enjoy the glory and splendor that is Guitar Hero 2. After laying it down most rocktacularly in "Killing in the Name Of", I handed the axe to my coworker. He attempted to use the strum bar and the green button to navigate the menu, but alas, something wasn't working. Further investigation proved that the green button wasn't working. Had this been the orange button, we could work with that as there's a very good chance I'll never be able to compete any song that uses the orange button even a measly 25% of the time, however the green button is essential, if only to get around from screen to screen.

My coworker mentioned that he felt a shock when I gave him the guitar, but seeing how the entire thing is made of plastic, save the whammy bar, he didn't think anything of it. Disconnecting and reconnecting did nothing. Rebooting the 360 did nothing. Even a 4 hour nap did nothing to bring my blessed controller back to full functionability. Games that require special controllers are all fun and, well, games, until said controller bites the big one. Thankfully Circuit City had a rather large collection of replacements and I have since traded in my busted guitar for a new one. See you at Marshall's, slightly imperfect guitar! Hopefully this next guitar won't have any of the dreaded whammy bar issues others are spinning tales of. When thinking of this post, I had planned on writing "at least my 360 didn't get bricked with the dreaded red ring of death" but thought better of it lest I find words shaping a most unfortunate future. What now? I did write it? I did not! Where? Oh. Shit.

In other music news, last week saw a new Fountains of Wayne album and today our exceedingly cute postal employee dropped off the new MC Frontalot album. Despite the often times aggravating nature of the Internet with it's asinine message boards and total asshats hiding behind the veil of anonymity, I thank the Lords of Technology every day for bringing the Internet into existence, for if they hadn't, I would never have heard of MC Frontalot. This new album is amazing. "Origin of Species" has fantastic lyrics held together by a guitar hook and vocal chorus that rivals anything you'll find on the radio today. An artist like The Front simply could not survive in the pre-Internet radio days which is probably the best argument for tearing all that radio shit down and starting over I can think of. I have heard the future, and his name is MC Frontalot.

Tomorrow, sit back and allow me to bust thick rhymes about Puzzle Quest.

How'd You Get Here

I have nothing exciting to talk about today. While discussing this with Linda she suggested that I write about how my daughter manages to get massive stains on every piece of clothing she wears, that way when people Google "how to remove stains from my daughter's shirt" this site would come up. While that seems like an extremely exciting topic, instead I've decided to talk a little about how people end up finding this little corner of the IntraWeb.

If you've ever scrolled down to the bottom of this site, you'll see a hit counter from Bravenet. Part of the free service they offer is that I get to see the referrals to this site at any point in time. Unfortunately I don't have access to historical referral data as I'm a cheap bastard and won't pay for it, but I do check my referrals daily and I've noticed a pattern. Here, in no particular order, are the most common ways people get here.

Friends' Sites
I get a bunch of referrals from Bones and Greg's sites. I'm assuming this is them reading the site and just getting here from their own linkage. Given that most of my visitors are first time visitors, as opposed to returning visitors, regular readers make up a small percentage of my readership. I'm trying to figure out how to swing this the other way, but short of just being a more interesting writer, I'm not sure how to do that. I don't see myself being more interesting any time soon. Lately I got a nice uptick in traffic from Bill over at Dubious Quality, and occasionally someone will get here from me commenting at Scalzi's site, but those rarely end up in increased repeat readers. Again with me not being interesting.

Toddlers with Various Ailments
Some time ago, I wrote a post making fun of the fact that when toddlers are sick they can't tell you what's wrong with them. Making fun of those that haven't developed communication skills sufficient enough to express the extent of their bodily discomfort is what makes me Father of the Year. In the post, I mention a number of possible ways a kid could be hurt, and mention a time my son claimed that a spider bit him. As a result, I get a bunch of referrals of people genuinely trying to figure out what's wrong with their sick kid. Some of them are normal requests like "Toddler ear pain" and "toddler stomach ache" but I've had some real oddball ones like "Toddler spider bite", "Toddler sleeps all the time" and "Toddler can't walk". Why the parents of a child who obviously has Polio is taking the time to Google it, rather than call a doctor, I have no idea, but I feel a little bad that these distraught parents get to my snarky site instead of someplace that can actually help them.

Various Science Questions
Despite not having written a science post in quite some time, I still get an occasional visitor wanting to know why leaves are green or why their pipes are expanding and making squeaking noises. I'd like to think I'm helping to educate the world one visitor every other week at a time.

Fun With Oblivion
At least half of my referrals come from people searching on "Fun with Oblivion" or "fun in Oblivion" or some sort of phrase with the words "Oblivion" and "fun" in it. Sometimes it's people looking for certain items or quests in Oblivion, but mostly it's people looking for some good, old fashioned fun. I have no idea why this phrase is so common for searching, but it drives at least half of my traffic, so I guess I'm just happy it is. The post people get to, also happens to be the post with the most comments, a whopping 9. Wahey! So remember kids, if you want fun in Oblivion, this is the place for you.

Ego Surfing
So one day as I'm checking my referrals, I see that someone got to my site by surfing my wife's name. I say to her "Hey, someone was searching for you" and she gets this sheepish look on her face. Yes, that's right, my wife was doing some ego surfing, found a story here she wanted to read and went ahead and read it. The funniest thing was her getting defensive and saying that I shouldn't be able to see how people get to the site. She's so cute when she's embarrassed.

Based on these findings, I've devised a new phrase that will do nothing but send my traffic to the stratosphere. It is:

Linda Cackowski-Schnell diagnoses sick toddlers while having fun in Oblivion.

Open the floodgates boys! They're coming!

Guitar Hero 2 Initial Impressions

Once again, my wrists throb, inflamed with the healing fires of rock.

Guitar Hero 2 for the 360 has landed and while I haven't had enough time to really get into it, I can provide some initial impressions.

First of all, let's talk about the controller. It's nice and sturdy like the last one, however the whammy bar doesn't have the same back and forth action as the controller for the PS2. I prefer to play with the whammy bar pointing away from the strum bar, as I find it uncomfortable to strum and hit the bar at the same time. With the last controller, I could just reach down away from the strum bar when I wanted some hot whammy action. Now, I either have to have the bar pointing to the strum bar, and figure out how to strum around it, or I have to reach down, pull it around and then use it. This cuts down on my whammying severely. Thankfully you don't need to use the whammy bar to "beat" the song, but it is essential for building up your boost bar and getting those high scores.

I don't really care that the controller isn't wireless, as I like the idea of a cord coming off of a guitar, but at the same time, I don't feel like having all of the usual 360 controller shenanigans gives you anything. Part of the illusion of Guitar Hero is the fact that the controller is a guitar, and as such, doesn't look like a controller. If your guitar has things on it, like a guide button, so that it looks more like a controller, that, in my opinion, is a bad thing. The gods demand sacrifice, and if giving up your precious guide button when you worship at the Altar of Rock is the sacrifice you have to make, then you got off easy.

The game is basically Guitar Hero, just with an incredible amount of shine and polish. This is a very, very good thing. Part of what made Guitar Hero so charming was the ascetic of the game. I'm glad to see they haven't changed anything in this regard. The usual rock posters for the in game menus are still there and look better than ever.

The character animations and rock backdrops are all improved and look amazing. I've missed a bunch of notes already paying attention to the band on stage instead of the song. Judy Nails is, quite possibly, the hottest video game female I've ever seen. The little touches like flaming amps and shots of the crowd, complete with lighters, when your band is really laying it down, help to let you know just how well you're rocking.

The song list is good. On the plus side, the "master tracks" they added to this version sound much, much better than the covers. On the minus side, the track list seems a little less eclectic than the previous game. At the same time, having such axe classics as Free Bird and Sweet Child O' Mine make the game feel like the tribute to Rock that it is. Rocking out to Pearl Jam is the amazing experience I thought it would be. The songs seem a bit easier this time around, but maybe I'm just not as rusty as I thought it would be.

I haven't touched practice mode yet, but based on how shitty I did when trying to play "Life Wasted" on Medium, I know I'll put it to good use.

The addition of achievements makes this game so much more fun than the original. It's one thing to tell people that you've mastered all the songs on Hard or Expert but to have something that the whole world can see makes it all the sweeter. Getting 100,000 points in a song, getting a 100 note streak, nailing 100% of the notes are all great moments in the game, but the achievements make them so much better. The Live Leaderboards aren't quite as exciting, as high scores don't tell me how well someone completed a song like a note streak tallies or notes hit percentages do, but it's nice to see your friends tearing it up with you. Hopefully multiplayer over Live will be released in a subsequent patch.

All things considered, everything about the original is here, just better. I'm sure I'll get frustrated as I venture into 5 starring all the songs on Medium, but even then, I'll be having so much fun it'll all be worth it. Truly, tonight I'm gonna rock you tonight.

Devastator and Ravage

I think it's written somewhere, in the Tome of Awesome the hierarchy of awesome things. It goes something like this:

I. Awesome
Robots that come together to form other robots.
II. Way Awesome
Robots that turn into vehicles
III. Super Awesome
Robots that turn into vehicles and form other robots.
Robots that turn into dinosaurs.
Robots that turn into zombies.
IV. Too Awesome For Words
Zombie dinosaur robots that turn into vehicles and form a ginormous zombie dinosaur robot monster truck.

As you can see, this puts Voltron below Transformers, and your garden variety Transformers slightly below Dinobots and Devastator. The next entries are part of what I can only call wishes on my part for a new Transformers line. You can have that one for free Takara. You and Hasbro both.

By the way, at the time of this writing, my wrist is inflamed with Rock. It's a small price to pay to get back into the good graces of the Gods of Rock and I pay it willingly.

So, yeah, Devastator. This Classics version only has 5 robots, as opposed to the original six as he's based on the Cybertron Constructicon Maximus mold. Mixmaster must have left to go DJ for the Beastie Boys or something, because he's MIA. Bonecrusher and Decepticon Scrapper are the same payloader model, just with different paint jobs. Long Haul and Hightower are the same crane thingy, again with different paint jobs. Scavenger is his own model, some kind of backhoe thing. I was disappointed to see this was the case as I was unfamiliar with Constructicon Maximus, but once they all come together to form Devastator, he looks pretty damn cool.

The different paint jobs do make the same models look better, a lot more so that the repaints of Optimus and Starscream they used for Ultra Magnus and Skywarp, so in the end, I don't mind so much. The individual Constructicons all transform pretty easily, except for Scavenger who's vehicle form seems loose and jangly, if that makes any sense at all. They all make for cool, sturdy little robots. As always, scale is a big issue here as in their vechicle forms, they're all smaller than Mirage. Last I checked, construction vehicles are bigger than Formula One racers.

Ravage, as you may remember, is one of Soundwave's micro cassettes. When he's not lounging around in Soundwave's chest, he's a lean, mean, black jaguar. He was recently reinterpreted for the Alternator's line as, get this, a Jaguar XK. Yes, that's right, he's a Jaguar that turns into a jaguar.

Unlike Jazz and Rollbar, the other Alternators I have, Ravage's robot mode is pretty damn cool and pretty damn sturdy. Jazz can't hold his own damn weapon and his hood keeps flying off, even when he's just standing there. Rollbar is sturdier, but in vehicle form he has some seriously bowlegged tires. Not Ravage though. His vehicle mode is badass and his robot form is so cool, I'll probably never transform him back to car mode.

His tail is articulated, as his massive, snake-like jaw and he comes complete with sidemounted rocket launchers that, unlike with his original form, don't have to be manually attached. Out of the box, he's ready to rain destruction down on unsuspecting Autobots. He's so cool that I have him out in my home theater room permanently, keeping watch over us from the top of one of my tower speakers. Right now he's sitting next to Linda, keeping her safe from the beasties on Season one of Supernatural. For an evil, humanity hating robot, he's quite a softie. I apologize for the crappy Ravage pictures, but my hands were seriously shaking from so much rocking out.

They also made an Alternator version of Rumble, he too of Soundwave's micro cassettes and he and Ravage will effectively end the Alternators line. I have no intention of getting Rumble as I found him quite annoying as a child and I'm not particularly fond of Honda Civics. If you choose to add him to your collection, he's a Wal Mart exclusive, as is Ravage and Devastator. That's Wallyworld for us, keeping prices and employee benefits down and the number of super badass Transformers up. Thanks Wal Mart!

A Healthy Glow

Lots to talk about today. So much, in fact, that we're going to do an unprecedented double post, partly to make up for not writing anything yesterday and partly because the two topics at the forefront of my brain don't go together. As is to be expected, one of the posts regards some robots who may or may not be in disguise. That post require pictures, so it will have to wait until tonight. I will give you a coming attraction though...

Devastator.

Aw yeah.

Guitar Hero 2 for the 360 comes out today. I'll have some impressions tomorrow as well as some insight into my world of console guilt. Thrilling stuff.

Now that it's spring and the temperatures are starting to rise, I find myself faced with the age old problem of being a disgusting sweaty bastard.

Some background first. I wasn't always like this. Much like my weight gain, I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but at some point, I started to get a little wet around the edges when the temperature got even slightly elevated. Lucky for me, this isn't limited to simply being outside as I can manage to break out in a sweat in the middle of winter if the heat is running just a wee bit too much. Fall and early spring are hell for me as I have to wear a coat outside, but in the car I'm so hot that you'd think I just ran a marathon.

Like ear hair and enlarged noses, the problem appears to be getting worse as I get older. I now sweat while bowling, which is probably the most telling remark I can make in regards to my physical shape. I don't feel like I'm exerting myself, and I doubt my heart rate would reflect it, but I appear to be so out of shape that I sweat while playing a sport that has a professional tour sponsored by Denny's. When you're tired out by a sport sponsored by the makers of the Lumberjack Slam, you need to reevaluate your priorities.

And so I have. I'm pretty sure that my increased moisture level is directly correlated to my increased size, and while I haven't gotten so large as to require new clothing, I have gotten large enough so that I can't hide beneath my existing clothing. Here's a weight loss tip from me to you: wear baggy clothes. I've also gotten large enough to where I appear to be sweating more rather than less. Fat and wet is enough to shatter even my own rock hard self-image so something has to change.

Yesterday I went out and tried on rollerblades to help me usher in a new era of fitness. As I was taking the skates off and chatting up the friendly female clerk, I started sweating. Yes, I took a few laps in the store to ensure a good fit, but it wasn't the physical exertion of skating that caused it, it was the act of removing the skate. When you get sweaty taking off exercise equipment that's a sign that you shouldn't leave the store without purchasing said equipment. It also helped to remind me how very, very little game I have. It's not like the clerk was the spitting image of Kristen Bell and I was nervous by being in the presence of her beauty. I was simply sweating for no other reason than to sweat. Now, I know I'm no feast for the eyes but I like to think my personality makes up for it, as long as I don't talk about any of the things I find remotely interesting. Sweating profusely while trying to have a normal conversation probably negates any personality bonuses unless I'm talking to someone who likes sweaty men, in which case, ew. On the plus side, I appear to have very healthy sweat glands, a turn on if ever there was one.

Thankfully, the gym in my building will be opening soon thereby making it as convenient as it can possibly be to work out and removing all barriers save my colussal laziness in one fell swoop. It will literally be 50 yards from my office so I really have no reason to not go and get on a treadmill 3 times a week. The fact that our building will also have a shower will help as now I can take advantage of the miles and miles of trails that run behind my office building and beyond and not smell like a rendering plant upon my return. Clearly something needs to be done before the temps regularly dip into the 90's around here and I look like I took my lunch break in the dunk tank. If I can also lose enough weight to successfully stop exercising and hide beneath big t-shirts, all the better, however at this point I'd be happy with just being able to continue to eat a bunch of crap and not get any bigger. Being fat and sweaty may not do wonders for my self image, but a caramel apple pie sure helps to take the pain away. Mmmmm, unhealhy eating.

I'll try and keep you posted on my progress, but to be honest, I find exercise so boring that I can barely bring myself to do it much less write about it. I doubt I'll end up being one of those people who get so into it they get high off of it as I have worked out, at length, in the past, and the most exciting thing about it was my ability to keep dipping my fries in mayo. Mayo dipped fries, on the other hand, is a subject I could write about at length. Well, at girth anyways.

New MC Frontalot Album

MC Frontalot's new album "Secrets From the Future" drops on April 6th and woe to those that don't pick it up. It is available for preordering for those of you as superfresh, or possibly superfresher, as I. Here's a quick test to determine if you're fly enough to preorder this album:

1) Do you like mad rhymes about nerd heavy stuff like encryption?
2.) Do you have the $15.95 needed to swing both the cost of the disc and the S&H?
3.) Do you have access to Teh Intraweb?

Answering yes to those three puts you in a category of megadopeness necessary to preorder this compliation of what will no doubt be unrelentingly thick rhymes.

The Front is also going on tour, however just like last year, he is visiting the ATL on a day when I will be away on vacation. I like to think that this is the universe's way of keeping two people of such incredible funkosity out of range of one another lest a quantum groovularity open and the world be sucked into a Black Hole of Soul. It could also just be an unfortunate coincidence.

For those that are not in danger of rending the world asunder by being near the Front, please attend one of his shows and report back. I am interested at the level of raptacularness that is achieved. I expect it to be staggering.

Some Advice

If, as you go about your day's events, you come across a huge tub filled with bubble solution and half a dozen bubble wands, take some time and make some really big bubbles. You'll feel better that you did.

Please Easter, Don't Be Late

I am currently gripped with what can only be described as gross impatience as the day of Easter draws nigh.

I shall explain, as one usually is not so overjoyed with that particular holiday as to be on pins and needles awaiting its arrival.

I am not a huge fan of candy. Oh sure, I enjoy an occasional Big Kat or Skor bar and I have been known to get Nutrageous from time to time, but if candy were to up and ship out for parts unknown I wouldn't mourn its passing. Linda, on the other hand, would track down wherever candy ended up making its home and gorge herself. Because her love of candy is so strong, I have made it a point to provide her with a selection of sweets on Easter that would cripple lesser mortals. As a result, her Easter "gift" ends up being upwards of 50 lbs of peanut butter eggs and my "gift" is usually a book or movie or handheld game.

It probably comes as no surprise that Linda and I exchange gifts on Easter as I think I have displayed, on a number of occasions, that if a holiday doesn't involve me getting something, it's not worth celebrating. Sucks to be you Arbor Day, but until I start getting gifts, ironically wrapped in the pulped and flattened versions of your botanical brethren, I don't care. I realize this makes me both spiritually bereft and incredibly materialistic and I'm OK with that.

This year, to help Linda out of a gift giving bind, I told her that I would like Puzzle Quest DS for Easter. I have been told that I am difficult to shop for when it comes to games. It certainly doesn't help that Linda's attention span, when it comes to my gaming, is so short that she wouldn't be able to keep herself focused long enough for me to answer the question of which game I'd like. In fact, as I write this, her eyes are probably reflexively glazing over. For those not in the know, imaging a role playing game with character progression, the ability to build and manage castles, capture beasts, ride mounts and craft spells. Now, imagine the same RPG where instead of madly hacking and slashing at your enemy, or firing off bolts of arcane magiks you battle each other playing a tricked out version of Bejeweled and you have Puzzle Quest. Yes, it is exactly as good as it sounds.

I have been playing the PC demo incessantly since downloading it last week, going so far as to start 4 different games so that I can experience the joys of the different character classes. There are subtle differences, like with the Druid who, by all accounts, is completely useless that are best experience in the demo so that you can make all the important RPG decisions before you go too far down the road of puzzle questing. In an odd move, the demo is available for the PC, despite the retail game itself being available for only the PSP and the DS. This is an odd, but strangely satisfying method. There is nothing out on the DS today that would tax modern PC's, and with no means of playing demos, short of hanging around your local GameStop for hours on end hogging the demo kiosk, it lets people try before they buy.

The problem becomes that, on the PC, this is an absolutely gorgeous game, well served by the PC's ample screen real estate. When I move a leering skull to be nearer to his malevolent neighbors, I can feel the grievous injury I am about to inflict upon my adversary. The various mana gems sparkle merrily as if to say, "Horde me so that I may help you smite your foes." Experience gems are a glorious purple, as if to display their regal roots. Gold is, well, gold and looks perfectly gold like. My concern is that the reduced real estate on the DS will make the visuals less striking, possibly reducing the skulls to smaller, infinitely more cute versions of themselves who don't so much inflict pain and suffering but accidentally sit on the remote and change the channel. I have read reports that this is not the case, but alas, once you play it on a PC, you are somewhat spoiled.

At the same time, my children are all too happy to try and press random keys while I'm on the laptop, but seem strangely uninterested in my DS. Perhaps it's because, of late, I'm playing things like Phoenix Wright and Hotel Dusk, populated by spiky haired lawyers and playable A-Ha videos who aren't compelling to those 4 years old and younger. Perhaps they see my lips turn into a snarl of defense when they move towards my DS and know that should they attempt to touch my console, I am not above snapping it closed and feeding their fingertips to it's slavering maw.

The problem is that Easter is so very far away and I am about to a) finish Hotel Dusk and b) get to the level cap in the Puzzle Quest demo. This is unacceptable. Oh Easter, why must you torture me so by being a week and a half away? Why? I guess I can wait. What choice do I have? Jesus waited three whole days in some sort of netherworld between life and death prior to Easter so I guess I can wait 10 or so days to get a new game for my handheld console. What did He do while He was dead anyways? I would have napped. He had had quite a busy few days.

Anyways, between Puzzle Quest and the upcoming Pokemon Diamond and/or Pearl, my DS will be the console of choice for quite some time. Yesterday, when playing Hotel Dusk in front of my daughter, I told her, unbidden, that the DS is my favorite console evar. I too was shocked by the emotion behind that statement as it was tantamount to telling your significant other that you love them for the first time. As was the case with my wife when I told her I loved her, my DS responded with stony silence, however, as was the case with Linda, I knew the sentiment was returned, the bearer just had no way of expressing it at the moment. At least that's what I'm attributing to my DS. It may have just impassively served up pixels, hoping that it's ignoring of me would quell the obvious discomfort it was experiencing. Hell, Linda might have been doing the same thing, however if so, our subsequent marriage was a strange choice of action. At any point, I stand by the statement as the DS's combination of portability and ever expanding software library, filled with titles such as Hotel Dusk and Puzzle Quest ensure that the gameplay experiences it offers are found nowhere else. No longer need we search for the answer to the eternal question: Nintendo DS Lite, great console or greatest console? The answer is clear.

Behold! Self-sufficiency Is Nigh!

The first step on the road to self sufficiency has been taken. No longer shall I bow to the yoke of my grocery store oppressors! I have started growing my own plants, nay crops, and soon I shall harvest them all the way to the um, food storing place.

Witness my greenery first hand!

From left to right are jalapeno peppers, basil, oregano and cherry tomatoes. I should give Linda some credit as she bought them, brought them home and planted them, but I'm the one who told her what I wanted when she called me. That wasn't easy. I mean, she was only taking care of our sick daughter while I was going coming back from getting coffee.

This is beside the point though. The point is that no longer shall I live under the thumb of Irwin Kroger and John Q. Publix. Independence shall be mine! Soon nature's bounty will be open to me and I shall have everything I need from my deck as long as I plan on living on a diet of jalapeno peppers, basil, oregano and cherry tomatoes.

Actually, this last crop is the one I'm most excited about. If it takes off like I hope it does, then we'll be living like kings.


Kings I tell you! Kings!

Welcome

Greetings! I thought I'd pop in for the benefit of any new readers who might have been sent here from Dubious Quality. We stick to kind of an odd schedule here, so I figured it would be beneficial to lay out what you can expect from day to day.

Monday
Think about posting. Don't.

Tuesday
Think about posting. Feel somewhat guilty about not having posted on Monday. Plan on posting at lunch but instead go to Target and look at Nerf sniper rifles.

Wednesday
Read something funny on Penny Arcade. Plan out post. Play on my DS all through lunch and then go get a big soda. Think about posting at night. Don't.

Thursday
Spend the day trying to remember what it is I was going to post about on Wednesday.

Friday
Realize I haven't posted in a week. Snap some poorly lit pictures of Transformers with my Treo's camera, post them with some witty comments and call it a day. Go bowling.

Saturday and Sunday
Par-tay.

As you can tell, our work ethic here is beyond reproach! We look forward to not entertaining you in the future.

Battle Royale!

I was successful in smuggling these photos out. Bear witness to the robotic brutality!

Battle Royale!

The Soul Seethes

There are times in our lives when the Gods deem fit to remind us that we are but mere mortals, undeserving of the praise and accolades we have heaped upon ourselves, that truly, we are deserving of only the dust we shall eventually return to. I have recently had one of these reminders and I am filled with equal parts rage and shame.

It has been quite some time since I have bowed before the Gods of Rock and made an offer at the altar of Guitar Hero. I will not make excuses as the Gods are not interested in my petty mewlings, but instead will just say that I have been lax in my supplications. With the arrival of Guitar Hero 2 for the 360 on the horizon, I have, naturally, been excited to pick up the axe once again. I have played a song or two on the PS2 version on Medium and found it to be relatively Easy. Oh how the Gods must have laughed at my foolish pride!

Recently, Linda and I had a minor disagreement over who sang "Cherry Pie". I put forth, correctly might I add, that it was Warrant. I know this because, if I could erase one song from the collective memory of the universe, this would be a top contender, so deep does my hatred for this song run. A quick search on Google proved me correct and the matter was dropped. Yesterday, while in Best Buy to purchase oh-so-packed-with-extras new Re-Animator DVD, what appeared before my eyes, but a new Xbox 360 kiosk, complete with Guitar Hero 2. Ye Gods! I thought it an incredible coincidence that "Cherry Pie" was also queued up, however now I recognize the hand of Divine Providence.

I picked up the guitar, which, is a little small for my tastes. I know that the controllers, in general, aren't sized to scale however this one seems smaller than the PS2 controller. I'm also not a big fan of the Guide button on the 360 guitar as it takes away from the illusion of your controller being a real guitar. Finally, I'm a Fender guy and lean towards your Stratocasters and your Telecasters, with an exception for the Gibson Les Paul, of course, so this Gibson Explorer model brings to mind too many hair bands of the 80's for me to be completely comfortable with it. But I digress. I picked up the guitar, selected "Cherry Pie" on Medium difficulty and proceeded to descend into an inky black pit of despair.

From the opening lick, I knew something was wrong. It was as if my hands had aged decades before me and no longer could be relied upon to do something as simple as work a calculator, much less do chord changes, hammer-ons and pull-offs. My timing was off, my finger work was miserable and I saw my rock meter plummeting down to earth like the pride feuled Icarus I must have resembled. Embarassed, I ended the song early, looking around me to ensure that my shame was limited to only myself and Linda. Clearly the Gods were sending me a message and that message was this: Rock, lest the Rock be taken from you. I have heard your message, Oh Gods, and will obey. I have but a few more tasks in Crackdown to accomplish and once these are completed, I shall take up the axe again and prepare myself for Guitar Hero 2. Once more your servant shall venture out into the land, bringing Rock to those who can not, or will not, Rock themselves. No longer shall I hide my Rock under a bushel! I thank you, oh Gods of Rock, for showing me where my true priorities lie. For those about to Rock, I salute you!

Speaking of Rock, I recently purchased the new Fall Out Boy album and boy howdy is it a good one. To be honest, I'm not really sure what problems people have with Fall Out Boy. I mean, sure, sometimes the lyrics and song titles are a bit too cutesy and/or self aware, but the songs are pretty tight with good hooks. They never fail to get the windows down and the volume up when riding around in Vanstar One which is pretty much all I'm looking for in an album these days anyways. They seem to be a band that people just love to hate. Whatever. If you do hate the band, I doubt there's anything on this new album to change your mind, but if you're looking for a good, catchy pop-rock album you'd be well served to pick it up.

I spent a couple of nights this week watching Pan's Labyrinth on DVD. Yes, I know it's not out yet. I can't tell you how I got it, other than to say that my source's generosity is matched only by his raw animal magnetism and unchecked virility. Yes, that's right, George Clooney has secretly been supplying me with bootleg DVD's. I kid. Seriously though, the movie is a fantastic one and I can't wait for it to come out on a perfectly legal DVD so that I can buy it and listen to the commentaries. Guillermo del Toro is one hysterical dude and I bet his commentary for this movie will be top notch. See, gaffer dude, people who watch bootleg DVD's also buy the full versions too! Oh, and while we're on the subject of illegal DVD PSA's, I would so totally steal a car if I could get away with it. In my wildest dreams it would be a car filled with bootleg DVD's that then ended up being Tracks who transforms, gives me an important life lesson and then helps me distribute all of my stolen movies. We'd probably get a sundae too.

Now that I've watched Pan's Labyrinth, I feel the need for a week long del Toro fest, including Blade 2 and Hellboy. I should probably also pick up The Devil's Backbone and Cronos too, if I can find them. I should also figure out a way to make 8 hours of movie time magically appear while I'm at it.

Finally, there is a battle of mythical proportions currently underway at my desk. The veneer of civilty has been removed and replaced with open hostility and bloodlust. I guess in this case it'd be Energonlust as I am naturally speaking of my Transformers. I don't know what caused things to break down, but the battle has been joined, in earnest, by all members of our once happy little family. Like the war-torn journalists who braved the battlefields of so many conflicts, I too have returned from the fighting with pictures stark in their depiction of robot on robot brutality and naked aggression. I shall be posting them soon, to an Intraweb site of my choosing, however in the meantime, to sate your curioisity and own need for violence, I offer this:

The rest of the pictures will be available tonight, or early tomorrow, depending on when I can smuggle them to the outside world. I have arranged to cross the border tonight under cover of darkness, hiding in a farmer's pig truck. I can only hope the Decepticons aren't watching all of the back roads. Wish me luck!