Friday, March 23, 2007

The Soul Seethes

There are times in our lives when the Gods deem fit to remind us that we are but mere mortals, undeserving of the praise and accolades we have heaped upon ourselves, that truly, we are deserving of only the dust we shall eventually return to. I have recently had one of these reminders and I am filled with equal parts rage and shame.

It has been quite some time since I have bowed before the Gods of Rock and made an offer at the altar of Guitar Hero. I will not make excuses as the Gods are not interested in my petty mewlings, but instead will just say that I have been lax in my supplications. With the arrival of Guitar Hero 2 for the 360 on the horizon, I have, naturally, been excited to pick up the axe once again. I have played a song or two on the PS2 version on Medium and found it to be relatively Easy. Oh how the Gods must have laughed at my foolish pride!

Recently, Linda and I had a minor disagreement over who sang "Cherry Pie". I put forth, correctly might I add, that it was Warrant. I know this because, if I could erase one song from the collective memory of the universe, this would be a top contender, so deep does my hatred for this song run. A quick search on Google proved me correct and the matter was dropped. Yesterday, while in Best Buy to purchase oh-so-packed-with-extras new Re-Animator DVD, what appeared before my eyes, but a new Xbox 360 kiosk, complete with Guitar Hero 2. Ye Gods! I thought it an incredible coincidence that "Cherry Pie" was also queued up, however now I recognize the hand of Divine Providence.

I picked up the guitar, which, is a little small for my tastes. I know that the controllers, in general, aren't sized to scale however this one seems smaller than the PS2 controller. I'm also not a big fan of the Guide button on the 360 guitar as it takes away from the illusion of your controller being a real guitar. Finally, I'm a Fender guy and lean towards your Stratocasters and your Telecasters, with an exception for the Gibson Les Paul, of course, so this Gibson Explorer model brings to mind too many hair bands of the 80's for me to be completely comfortable with it. But I digress. I picked up the guitar, selected "Cherry Pie" on Medium difficulty and proceeded to descend into an inky black pit of despair.

From the opening lick, I knew something was wrong. It was as if my hands had aged decades before me and no longer could be relied upon to do something as simple as work a calculator, much less do chord changes, hammer-ons and pull-offs. My timing was off, my finger work was miserable and I saw my rock meter plummeting down to earth like the pride feuled Icarus I must have resembled. Embarassed, I ended the song early, looking around me to ensure that my shame was limited to only myself and Linda. Clearly the Gods were sending me a message and that message was this: Rock, lest the Rock be taken from you. I have heard your message, Oh Gods, and will obey. I have but a few more tasks in Crackdown to accomplish and once these are completed, I shall take up the axe again and prepare myself for Guitar Hero 2. Once more your servant shall venture out into the land, bringing Rock to those who can not, or will not, Rock themselves. No longer shall I hide my Rock under a bushel! I thank you, oh Gods of Rock, for showing me where my true priorities lie. For those about to Rock, I salute you!

Speaking of Rock, I recently purchased the new Fall Out Boy album and boy howdy is it a good one. To be honest, I'm not really sure what problems people have with Fall Out Boy. I mean, sure, sometimes the lyrics and song titles are a bit too cutesy and/or self aware, but the songs are pretty tight with good hooks. They never fail to get the windows down and the volume up when riding around in Vanstar One which is pretty much all I'm looking for in an album these days anyways. They seem to be a band that people just love to hate. Whatever. If you do hate the band, I doubt there's anything on this new album to change your mind, but if you're looking for a good, catchy pop-rock album you'd be well served to pick it up.

I spent a couple of nights this week watching Pan's Labyrinth on DVD. Yes, I know it's not out yet. I can't tell you how I got it, other than to say that my source's generosity is matched only by his raw animal magnetism and unchecked virility. Yes, that's right, George Clooney has secretly been supplying me with bootleg DVD's. I kid. Seriously though, the movie is a fantastic one and I can't wait for it to come out on a perfectly legal DVD so that I can buy it and listen to the commentaries. Guillermo del Toro is one hysterical dude and I bet his commentary for this movie will be top notch. See, gaffer dude, people who watch bootleg DVD's also buy the full versions too! Oh, and while we're on the subject of illegal DVD PSA's, I would so totally steal a car if I could get away with it. In my wildest dreams it would be a car filled with bootleg DVD's that then ended up being Tracks who transforms, gives me an important life lesson and then helps me distribute all of my stolen movies. We'd probably get a sundae too.

Now that I've watched Pan's Labyrinth, I feel the need for a week long del Toro fest, including Blade 2 and Hellboy. I should probably also pick up The Devil's Backbone and Cronos too, if I can find them. I should also figure out a way to make 8 hours of movie time magically appear while I'm at it.

Finally, there is a battle of mythical proportions currently underway at my desk. The veneer of civilty has been removed and replaced with open hostility and bloodlust. I guess in this case it'd be Energonlust as I am naturally speaking of my Transformers. I don't know what caused things to break down, but the battle has been joined, in earnest, by all members of our once happy little family. Like the war-torn journalists who braved the battlefields of so many conflicts, I too have returned from the fighting with pictures stark in their depiction of robot on robot brutality and naked aggression. I shall be posting them soon, to an Intraweb site of my choosing, however in the meantime, to sate your curioisity and own need for violence, I offer this:
The rest of the pictures will be available tonight, or early tomorrow, depending on when I can smuggle them to the outside world. I have arranged to cross the border tonight under cover of darkness, hiding in a farmer's pig truck. I can only hope the Decepticons aren't watching all of the back roads. Wish me luck!


Bones said...

A Del Toro fest sounds like a splendid idea! You already know this, but I've owned The Devil's Backbone for almost a year now, and still haven't watched it. Unfortunately it fits into the phantom zone for movies in my house that is my wife's uncompromising despise of movies with subtitles. One day I will watch it though, one day!

By the way, I hope Starscream rips that bitch's head off!

suburbanjoe said...

As much as I am loathe to suggest it, I'm sure the Devil's Backbone has an English language track. If not, look for the super special edition they recently released (last year or two). It may have one. There's no reason a little Spanish shouldn't get in the way of a good ghost story.

And as for Starscream, well, Dropshift's bumper is perilously close. Once the full pictures are up, I think you'll find Starscream's advantage will be a temporary one.