Friday, November 16, 2007

Instant Gratification

Like Prometheus, I have stolen fire from the gods and am delivering it unto you. Only in this case it isn't fire, it's knowledge, but knowledge about something hot, so it's kind of like fire, except for the ways where it isn't. Have you prepared yourself for this knowledge? Have you made ready your world view, for I assure you, it is about to be turned on it's edge, unless your world view is a sphere in which case I'll just rotate it slightly. Perhaps I'll palm it and fake a lay-up.

Here it is. I make no apologies for the ways in which your life will change once you have consumed and digested this information. It is up to you to deal with the fall out.

An instant hot water tap will change your life.

There, I said it! There's no turning back! Go out my children and act upon this mighty gift of knowledge!

I know what you're thinking, as just a few short weeks ago, I was with you. Who needs instant hot water, you say. I have a microwave, you say. I can have boiling water in upwards of four minutes. Four minutes is not a long time to wait, you say. I have a kettle, you say. I can have boiling water in as little time as half an hour. Who doesn't have half an hour to wait for tea, you say. I am here to tell you that while you may have that time, you no longer need to spend it in such a manner. With this knowledge, I have given you back four minutes a day. Four minutes! Over the course of a year, that's an entire day spent waiting for water to heat up. More if you drink more than one cup a day. When you are old and on your death bed, you'll thank me for all of the time I gave back to you with this nugget of truth.

My wife opened my eyes to the glory of the instant hot water tap as before her, I had no idea such a thing existed. Her desire for one ran deep, and once I saw that one could be had for less than two hundred dollars, I made this dream a reality for my wife. This is the type of man and husband I am. I make dreams happen, but only the cheap ones. Had her dream cost $201, she would be microwaving as we speak.

Once the tap had been procured, it was up to me and my father-in-law to install it. Several trips to Lowes and Home Depot later, including one to get a completely different instant hot water tap, we were prepared. Or so we thought. Instant hot water taps require constant power sources and traditionally, electrical outlets don't exist under sinks as one rarely has need to plug something in amongst the Palmolive. Back to the hardware store we went so that we could tap into the power running in the basement and turn the course of a mighty electrical river. Then something else happened and we needed different plumbing stuff so I went back to Lowes. Then we needed a drill bit, or a bulldozer or some other fucking thing that no normal person outside of Tim the fucking tool man Taylor would have in his home, so I went back to Lowes and I thought that if someone says "You again?" to me I was going to brain them with a ban saw and then fucking awl them to death. All the while, my Redskins were getting the piss beaten out of them by the Patriots, so you can imagine my stellar state of mind.

But I digress. Something like seven hours later, we were finished and we all gathered round the instant hot water tap, waiting the alloted fifteen minutes so that the tank could heat up. And heat up it did! Soon the tap was sputtering and steaming and generally spraying scalding hot water all over the place. Oh horrid day! What terrible violence our knowledge had wrought! As it turns out, my wife, in her zeal to not wait one moment longer for boiling water, wanted the temperature gauge on the tank turned all the way up, past warm, past hot, past seriously now, it's fucking hot all the way to super-heated plasma water. The tap, despite allowing such a ramping up to dangerously hot levels, didn't like being filled with magma and once we dialed it back a notch, started cooperating.

Having hot water as soon as you want it is a life affirming experience, like having free air or trees that bear donuts. No longer am I shackled to the microwave, or the stove, waiting for water to boil. I have used this opportunity to discover a love of tea. Before, I would drink coffee every night, but often times, after the first cup, I wanted something different. I was stuck though, as I had made two cups, because why go through all the work for just one cup, and I certainly can't throw it out. That's liquid money right there. Not any more. With my instant tap, I can have a cup of Chai tea and then follow it up with one of the many fruit zingers available to me. I think there's even a pork chop zinger that melds hibiscus flowers and salt pork. Truly a tea for the discriminating palate. With all of my freed up spare time, I have done absolutely nothing different, but I could, should I want to. Maybe some time I will. Four minutes is a lot of time to work with. I could sing a song, or pen a dirty poem. I could also hastily sketch a watermelon, or a honeydew melon, any melon really. The opportunities are endless.

The only problem with the instant hot water tap is that it resides where the soap dispenser used to and many the time have I found myself about to pour 190 degree water on my hands, thinking it is soap. No doubt my hands would come clean in this method as all of the germs would slough off with the top layer of skin, but I am unprepared for this level of cleanliness. Your needs may vary.

I realize this knowledge is somewhat terrifying as it runs counter to everything we've ever been told about hot water. Long have you lived in the muck of ignorance, thinking that hot water was something you had to wait for. I am here to tell you that it is not, provided you have two hundred bucks, a 1.5 inch hole in your counter, or the means to drill one, and the necessary electrical and plumbing skills. Small hurdles no doubt, and ones you will gladly jump once my tale sets into your consciousness, takes root and bears the fruit of enlightenment.

The time for instant hot water has come. Heed its scalding call, and through it, be reborn.


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