Fear My Parenting

This weekend I had one of those pivotal moments in parenting, when you get the feeling that everything you're doing with your kids is finally setting in. Parents of kids older than a year know what I'm talking about. I say over a year, because parenting a child under 12 months is mostly just an exercise in keeping them alive. Maybe it's when your kid says "please" or "thank you" for the first time. Maybe it's when they do something without being asked five hundred times.Maybe it's when they can recognize the helmet of a professional football team without prompting. This past week, my son ran from me in fear for the first time. More specifically he ran from my mad disciplinary skills, but I'll take the credit.

Before we progress further, I should probably explain some things. First of all, neither I, nor my wife employ strange or violent disciplinary measures. We don't spank, hit, pinch, slap or otherwise use physical force. No one gets forced to stay in a dank cellar. No one lives under the stairs. No one gets whipped for using wire hangers. We use the tried and true methods of denying privileges and banishment to one's room. When I say "room" I actually mean the room of the house designated as owned by the child in question, not some shackled up outhouse with nothing but a bucket to pee in and an eye hole to look out of. So when I say that my kid ran in fear of being disciplined, I can assure you that it's not because he thought I was going to hit him with an oar.

Allow me to set the stage. Sunday mornings I get up with the kids while Linda sleeps in. Like all good parents, I do my best to avoid the children entirely and encourage them to play with one another. Anyone with multiple children knows exactly what I'm talking about as the only reason to have more than one child is so that you don't have to play, and lose, at race cars 500 bajillion times. Parents that say they had multiple children because they had lots of love to give, or some similarly rosy sounding bullshit are lying to you. They had multiple kids because they did the math and realized that 2 years of putting up with a child that can't do anything for themselves is better than being chief playmate and entertainment source for 18 years.

But I digress. As the kids play, I get the menu for the week together and make the grocery list. It takes some time as I don't like to repeat meals from week to week. The kids are usually content to spend this time playing with one another. They're playing, for the most part, consists of Ben ordering Abby around and her doing whatever he tells her. That is, when they're not arguing over something. Linda read somewhere that the normal amount of time between conflict for kids their age is roughly 10 minutes. If ten minutes were to go by with my kids not yelling at each other about something, I would worry that the book case fell on them.

Of late, Abby has taken to playing with this set of 16 wooden blocks that Ben had as a toddler. I don't know what it is about them, but she will sit for upwards of an hour and just dump them out of their wooden tray and then put them back. It's kind of strange, but it makes her immensely happy. Ben is less than thrilled about this recent development, in part because it's his right as a sibling to immediately want whatever his sibling is receiving enjoyment from, even if not 5 minutes ago he cast it aside as the most repulsive thing ever. The other part is that, and I think this is more important, when she's playing with the blocks, he can't tell her what to do. 4 year olds excel at few things, but instructing others how to do things is one of them. When Abby is in her block fugue, not only does she not listen to what he's saying to her, but it's like he doesn't exist.

Given that there is so little in this world that will actually make Abby happy, and not just happy but entertained and enthralled for long periods of time, the general rule around the house has become "don't mess with your sister when she's playing with the blocks." An odd rule, to be sure, and one that really only applies to the blocks, but it's necessary, because the boy absolutely will not stop fucking with this child when she's playing with those damn blocks. You might, at this point, say "well, why not make them share the blocks and get him involved so that he can play too?" No dice. He doesn't want to be involved, he wants to take over and once he starts playing with her, they won't be playing with the blocks in the manner she wants to, they'll be turning the blocks into eggs or Lego Racers or something else and using them to play Super Block Ball or some shit. All the poor child wants to do is dump out the blocks and put them back. We've told Ben that he can help her do that, but it rarely stays that way, so the block rule has been enforced.

Now, on another note, my take is that Abby, whom I love to pieces, don't get me wrong, can be a fucking hornet's nest if riled up, so why, in the name of all that is good and holy, would you do anything to bother her if she's happy and content? I'm not saying you should tiptoe around the kid if she's smacking the dog with a fireplace poker, but if she's playing with something that is completely ok for her to play with, and having a good time, why not just leave her the fuck alone? Alas reason is lost on 4 year olds, although he will be the first one to point out when his sister is screaming at the top of her lungs.

So, back to Sunday morning. She's playing with her blocks, I'm menu planning and he starts messing with her. I tell him a number of times to leave her alone and then I hear silence. Then I hear the sound of a pom-pom being waved. The kids have some stupid pom-pom they got at the grocery store as a giveaway or something. I really have no idea how it got into the house. Then I hear the sound of the pom-pom being smacked into something. I assume it's the floor. Then I hear Abby plaintively wailing "Daaaaddddyyyyy!!!" It would appear I was wrong in my assumption.

I get up and come into the room, but as I'm coming into the living room, I hear him running out of the room, a sure sign that something's up as he's never ran that fast to do anything in his life. I check on Abby and she's ok, playing with the blocks, with the pom-pom on the floor next to her. I then leave the living room through the other door into the foyer and I still don't see Ben but I can hear him. He was actually moving away from me to escape capture. "Well played," I thought as I was impressed that he didn't just pause outside the door.

I may be many things, but capable of being outsmarted by someone who can't tie his shoes ain't one of them. Knowing that he might think I'm still in the living room and not come back, I went back the way I came, into the hallway connecting the living room to the family room and waited. This way, when he came back through a glance from the foyer or the dining room would make the room appear to be safe to return to. In a moment he returned and just like that, the steely jaws of my trap sprang shut.

I walked out and the look of surprise on his face was priceless. Then the interrogation began.

"What were you doing before I came into the room?"

"I don't know." This is his new thing. It rarely works, yet he persists in trying it.

"Don't lie to me boy." I don't know why I call him boy in these situations. It must be a southern thing. "You must have been doing something you knew was wrong or you wouldn't have run away. Now, what were you doing?"

Pause. Another pause. "Hitting Abby with the pom-pom."

"Why?"

"Because she wasn't sharing the blocks with me."

At this point, I went into the whole thing about not hitting and you're a big brother, you should be looking out for her and she's half your size and blah blah blah. The end result was that he got sent to his room for 45 minutes. The entire time, Abby played with the blocks with the biggest smile on her face.

Now, had it just been a he said she said thing and he hadn't ran and hadn't confessed, there wouldn't have been much that I could do because I didn't actually see anything and I couldn't trust that Abby would tell me the truth. 2 year olds are notoriously unreliable eyewitnesses. Even if he had just ran, and not confessed, I still wouldn't have been able to do anything, because again, I didn't see it and he could have just been running to run. I'm glad he did confess, because I want my kids to be honest, even if it means owning up to something they're going to get punished for, but at the same time, I know that there will soon come a day when I know he's lying to me, but I can't do anything about it because I won't have seen the infraction occur.

In the end, it wasn't a big deal. He got lectured again when he came out of his room, he didn't hit her again and the day continued like any other. Obviously, I don't like punishing my kids, but at the same time, it's nice to know that they know there are consequences to their actions. It'd be nicer if they didn't carry out the act that they're going to get punished for, but alas, punishment is not about prevention, it's about teaching accountability.

For the record, were that Abby whipping Ben with the pom-pom, not only would she have stayed in the room as I entered, but she would have flashed me the "hold on one second" hand sign as she continued to beat him about the head and neck. As much as it pains me to have her in this emotionally volatile state, I fear the days when she's older because I know that she's stubborn and willful and traditional disciplinary techniques won't work with her. When those days arrive, I may have to go out and buy an oar.

Marvel Trading Card Game review

My review for the Marvel Trading Card Game for the DS is up at GameShark. Just thought you'd like to know.

The Weekly Standard

Once again, I have left you, dear reader, high and dry with nary an update on my life and its twists and turns. Oh how it must make you weep to see the same boring posts day after day as you excitedly refresh your browser. It makes me weep also.

I had planned on posting earlier in the week, but alas, things came up. Namely, the guy who was supposed to review "The Darkness" for GameShark was visited by the ruby tinged spectre, the Red Rings of Death, and no longer has a working 360. As I was about half way done with the game, I offered my services up, powered through it and wrote a review. It hasn't been posted yet, but I till tell you that I enjoyed it immensely. More on that later. Now, what does me writing a review have to do with not posting? I'll tell you.

I have a finite well of ink and wit (the wit well is much, much smaller than the inkwell) and if I use either up to write something, I have a hard time refilling it for something else. This is how I know that I couldn't ditch my day job and become a full time freelance writer who flits from project to project. I know that the best thing a writer can do is write, all forms included, as it helps hone's one's skills, but it doesn't make it any easier to actually do it. Also, from a practical standpoint, work has been busier and now that I'm reviewing games, oftentimes, my "free" time isn't free anymore. Oh sure, I'm playing games, but you'd be surprised how unappealing that notion becomes when you're slogging through your third Transformers game. Oh, almighty dollar, why must you tempt me so?

I also think that part of the problem is that I got married to the idea of this site being less of a blog and more of a column back when I first started it, and had dreams of becoming the next Dave Barry. Because of that, I don't feel like I can write things unless I have a full column structure in my head and that's becoming increasingly harder to do as I become older and more scatterbrained. If I can learn how to be funny in smaller chunks that are written more frequently, I think most of my problems will be solved. Oh sure, I can write the longer pieces when I need to, but smaller and more frequent may be the way to go. It's strange that I think I have to write a certain way because I feel that people don't want to come here and revel in the minutia of my life while I check my friends' sites every day for just that. I guess I expect my readers to be smarter than I am and want more out of their leisure time. Kidding!

I've been hanging out at the Blog for the Sports Gamer more often these days. I used to hang out there before the Great Football Ban was placed on our home like a death shroud, but recently came back as both Dan and Bill, two of the site's contributors, work for GameShark. They write more about non-sports gaming things than they used to, so despite my complete and total ignorance about most sports and sports games, I can usually find something of interest there. Plus, at times Bill will drop some knowledge about the inner workings of GameShark which I always find fascinating. It's also interesting from an anthropological perspective as I've always felt decidedly un-male due to my lack of interest in professional sports. Oh sure, I love football, but more so, I love the Redskins and they happen to be a football team. If I didn't have a team to route for, I wouldn't follow the sport, as witnessed by my ambivalence towards college football. Reading about their interest is vaguely interesting, that is until they start discussing which sliders need to be adjusted to get the various football video games to act appropriately and not like your cornerbacks are on 'ludes. 'Ludes man. Fucking 'ludes!

Back to The Darkness. I daresay that I loved this game. I won't talk about too much and instead will just point you to the review when it drops, but I will tell you that I was sad to see it end, partially because I wasn't going to be able to play it any more, but mostly because I really liked the character of Jackie Estacado and enjoyed spending time with him. Granted, I was him in the game, so that helped. I'm not sure if I would want to go out and grab a beer with him given that at any moment he might impale me and devour my heart. I've seen it happen.

I've obtained all but 6 of the achievements in the game, which is a pretty high success rate for my slacker ass. Unfortunately, the 100 wins in a MP match achievement was 22 wins away from my grasp when a nasty bug reared it's ugly head and reverted me back to 50 wins. If you play matches with automatic map rotation turned on, the game doesn't save the number of wins unless you enter into the single player mode and do something that saves your game. Bummer. Given that I obtained the wins in a less than sportsmanlike manner, it's hard to get too upset, however if I had been battling it out in public matches, I'd be pretty pissed. I guess this is what happens when you tack on multiplayer. Let this be a lesson to developers and gamers alike, sometimes a good single player mode is all you need!

Through various bouts of game trading I have managed to pay for Metroid Prime 3, Mass Effect, Mercenaries 2 and Super Smash Bros. Brawl. In any other year, you would count me as being done for the holiday season with all major releases covered however this season is an anomaly that will try man's soul and wallet and as such, I have barely made a dent in the onslaught. Note the lack of mention of Bioshock, Two Worlds, Stranglehold, Jericho, Halo 3, Super Mario Galaxy, Phoenix Wright 3 and The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass. On the plus side, when I finished my bought and paid for games, there will be no shortage of excellent titles to move on to. On the negative side, there isn't enough time in the day to play all of these games. I can only hope that the Jan - Feb months prove to be their usual gaming wasteland, devoid of quality titles, as publishers and developers alike expect gamers to be fat and happy, sated from the feast of holiday releases placed before them. Only then will I be able to give all of these titles the love and care they deserve.

Random Bits

I'm not feeling the narrative today, so instead I'll just blather on about my pointless activities. Yay!

Reviews
I haven't posted any more links to reviews because I haven't had any more reviews posted. Not for lack of trying, that's for sure. I've written two more reviews for GameShark since my Transformers movie review, they just haven't been posted yet. There's still a lot of info from E3 to get posted, which is somewhat time sensitive so it makes sense to post that stuff first. Of course, it's not my decision to make, so what makes sense doesn't matter much in this regard. I wrote 'em and I'll invoice for 'em. What the site does with them is up to them. I've got some pretty interesting games in the pipeline including, but not limited to Alien Syndrome and Boogie for the Wii. At any rate, once my stuff goes up, I'll post a link for all to read. I can give you a sneak peak and let you know that my streak of not liking a god damned thing has been maintained.

On that note, some of my coworkers think I'm being too harsh on these games, to which I respond thusly: whatevah! I'm trying to tell people if it's worth dropping their hard earned cash on a game. To do that, I have to point out the things that I think detract from a game's value, as well as add to it. It just so happens that the games I've reviewed so far had more things that took away from the value than added to it. I think I've explained things in such a way that any reasonably intelligent reader will be able to decide for themselves if the things I'm knocking the games for would be an issue for them. If I'm not, and the review is just a big "this game sucked but it's not clear why" statement, then I obviously have a problem and need to rethink how I do things. That being said, my short term reviewing schedule, including things that have yet to be posted and the next two games I'm doing (not the two I just mentioned) won't do much to change my coworkers' perceptions.

Harry Potter
Linda and I saw the latest movie yesterday and while we both enjoyed it, I think either of the previous two rank higher. I'm torn between my love of Cuaron's work on "Azkaban" and the sheer amount of mayhem in "Goblet of Fire". At any rate, fans of the movie series will find lots to enjoy in this one but upon the picture's end, will want to just jump ahead to the next movie.

Linda and I both have the book preordered for delivery on or before Saturday. I can only hope that my selective media blackout will help keep me from being spoiled. The big death at the end of the last book was ruined for me by some asshole morning disc jockey who has, thankfully, since been let go. Fuck you, Fred Toucher. Since I can't listen to terrestrial radio without blood streaming from my ears, I think I'll be safe from that. Now I just have to hope that the rest of the media world understands that not everyone has the ability to read a 800 page book in one night and keeps their collective pie hole shut for at least a week. I honestly have no idea how this one is going to end and I'd hate for it to be ruined by some dickheaded AP reporter who's dealing with a slow news day.

Coffee
An odd topic, I realize, but just go with it. I started ordering flavored coffee from The Coffee Fool a few months ago and I thought I'd spread the word. Oddly enough, I found out about them from a targeted ad in my Gmail inbox. I usually don't touch those ads with a 10 foot pool, but this one, entitled "The 10 things coffee CEO's don't want you to know" intrigued me. What made me order was the sheer number of flavored offerings they have, most, if not all of which are available in decaf. Finding good, flavored decaf for my nighttime consumption has been a thorn in my side for years. A man can't live on hazelnut alone!

Anyways, the African Cinnamon is excellent (I'm enjoying a pot as I write this) as is the Chocolate Mint and the Banana Nut. I just got an order of the Chocolate Espresso in and it is slowly becoming my new favorite. The flavors meld together very well and it's the perfect brew to enjoy with that nightly dessert. Mmmmm, nightly dessert. No, I haven't lost any weight, but that's another story. Order processing is fast and I've always gotten my stuff within 2 - 3 days. You also get a discount as you order more and more stuff, and you can set up regular shipments if you find a flavor schedule that works for you. Give 'em a try and help to loosen the stranglehold that Millstone has on the coffee world.

The Darkness
I'm currently playing The Darkness for the 360 and this is one damn fine game. The voice acting is superb, which makes quite the difference. The Darkness powers are well done, and devouring hearts has never been so fun! Actually, I don't know if devouring hearts has ever been fun, so take that last comment with a grain of salt. Should you be in need of a good gaming experience for your 360 (or PS3 if you swing that way) I highly recommend it. It can be completed well in time for the upcoming deluge of titles too and the lack of a ranked match requirement for the multiplayer achievements makes it boost friendly, as my Gamer Tag would attest to. Anyone who has ever played mulitplayer anything with me knows that I couldn't get 50 flag captures in my wildest dreams. Ah boosting, is there nothing you can't do?

Paula Dean is My Hero
I long for the days when I'm old and retired and can spend the day out on my massive deck, the river gurgling in the background, grilling and cooking and making all manner of tasty delights while my husband does yard work. I'm prepared to marry a man to make this happen if I have to. I also appreciate Paula's love of butter, as I love it too! Longevity is overrated. I've got my life insurance policy. I say bring on the butter!

We're All Winners

Actually, we are all not winners. In fact, the only winner at our household continues to be my son. In the past few weeks, here are some things he has "won" at:

The Seat Belt Buckling Competetion
Now that he's older, he's old enough and big enough to buckle himself in with the seat belt. Granted we make sure he's buckled in before we put the car into motion as child services would frown on the 4 year old being the sole guardian of his auto safety, but he requires assistance less and less every day. Once he buckles himself in, he usually exclaims that he has won because he got buckled in before his sister. This would be the sister that is still in a car seat because she's the size of a pygmy mamorset (We watch a lot of Diego. Deal with it.) and can't buckle herself in. I've tried explaining to Ben that it's not really a contest if one of the people competing can't actually do the thing themselves, but he's usually too busy celebrating his victory.

Getting Dressed
My son is, quite possibly, the slowest person I've ever seen when it comes to putting on an article of clothing. Some kids slow things down when they're getting ready for bed, or getting ready to go to school, as a stall tactic, but my kid takes this to an entirely new level and would take 15 minutes to put on a sock even if he was getting ready to be given the keys to Ice Cream Land. The other night he was getting dressed while I was making his bed and I swear it took him 5 minutes just to lay the shirt on the floor correctly. It was painful to watch. Eventually I had had enough and helped get the dang thing situated so that he could put it on. 2 more assists later, he finally finished and exclaimed "I win!" I can only assume he meant that he won the award for Most People Dead of Natural Causes While I Put on My Pajamas.

Lego Racing
I've touched on the Lego Racing before, but it has achieved new heights since last we spoke. Linda and I will usually ask Ben what he did at school while we three eat dinner and Abby ignores her food. Every day it's the same answer, "played Lego racers." The other night, after getting this answer again, I asked him if he played Lego racers with his friends and he said no. "They all watch me play" he said. That didn't seem right to me, so I asked him again, and again he said that all of his friends watched him play and win Lego Racers. This seemed odd, as most 4 year olds don't care about much more than themselves, so I can't see a whole class of kids sitting back and watching one child race around. It also seemed odd because how can you win if you're the only one there? Further probing, later in the week by Linda, discovered that all of this Lego racing takes place on the computer, and the kids are on the computer one at a time, presumably while the other kids sit back and mope. The fact that Lego Racing exists, to him, only in a digital form still doesn't keep him from turning every single thing into a Lego Racer and wanting to race with it. I've heard of children who want to do nothing but sit slack-jawed in front of the television and I'd like to know how you go about getting one of those. I don't think I can handle any more racing and/or winning.

Template changes

Now that Blogger supports labels, I've started labeling my posts that point to my GameShark reviews with the "Review" label. There's also now a handy link on the right side that points to all the reviews. You can also follow this link.

Transformers Reduxe Reduxe

My official Transformers movie review is up at GameShark. Those of you who have read my review here, and then read my review there will realize that I'm calling myself a fanboy. To thine own self be true.

Personally, I think I'm a better game reviewer than I am a movie reviewer, but both are skills I want to grow, so I'm very thankful to the guys at GameShark for giving me this opportunity.

Transformers Reduxe

Now that I've had some more sleep, punctuated by my dog throwing up on the bed yet again, I can speak a little more eloquently on the Transformers movie. I won't though, instead choosing to say that this movie kicks a tremendous amount of ass. I'm fresh off the heels of yet another review for the fine folks at GameShark.com, so instead I'll opt for the format of hacks everywhere, the oh so popular Good, Bad and Ugly.

The Good

The Effects - This movie has, hands down, the best special effects I've ever seen in a movie. If this movie doesn't win every Oscar for visual effects, then I'll be very surprised. It's not just the effects, it's how the effects integrated into real world results. Starscream transforming into robot form and sliding down the street caused real cars to be tossed about like Matchboxes. Shit exploded for reals, yo, and that, combined with the visuals, made you think that things were completely real.

The Transformations - For me, the reason we haven't been graced with a non-animated Transformers movie yet, is because the technology needed time to mature to where you could realistically show the transformations. That time is now. Yes, it did seem a little odd to have a Camaro, which is about 10 feet long, turn into a 20 foot tall robot, but the transformations were so well done, so mesmerizing that it just didn't matter. At one point, Barricade was running towards the camera, leapt forward, transformed in midair and hit the ground in vehicle form, hauling ass. At this point the crowd erupted in cheers. It's this kind of transformation combined with the real world objects that made the movie look so damn cool. About 2/3 of the way into it, every time I saw a vehicle, I thought it was going to transform and start tearing shit up.

The Funny - There are plenty of laugh out loud moments in this movie. The story isn't very strong (more on that later) so instead, the quieter moments are filled with humor, and some very good humor to boot. Shia LaBeouf handled the non-robotic lead very well and was very likable. The best lines went to Anthony Anderson who made me crack up every time he opened his mouth. Plus, he was a Redskins fan, so yay for that. Some of the humor was a bit much, but all in all, it was much funnier than I would have thought.

The Fights - Optimus Prime is a badass motherfucker. That dude can lay some shit down. The fight scenes in this movie, while being a bit frenetic at times, were absolutely amazing. If all you wanted was hot robot on robot action, then you'd be happy. The movie did some really cool things with using the transformations in combat, so it wasn't just fly/drive in as a vehicle, transform and beat each other up as robots.

The Autobots - The Autobots each had a very distinct personality and Peter Cullen as Optimus Prime, was wonderful. Hearing that familiar voice in this movie really helped make it special. The movie did a really good job of making you care about the Autobots, Bumblebee in particular, that when hard times befall them, and boy do hard times come a fallin', you feel for these guys. Maybe I'm just getting sentimental in my old age.

The Women - Megan Fox is a damn fine good looking woman.

The Soda Machine - You'll see.

The Bad

The Story - It's not that the story is bad, it's that there isn't much of one. Thankfully, you're not thinking about it while watching the movie, but once you leave the theater, you will start asking questions and probably won't be satisfied with the answers you come up with. I think the movie did a good job as a first movie, cause you know there will be more than this one, but for the second one, it's going to have to be a lot more than the two factions battling over the Allspark.

The Decepticons - Don't get me wrong, the Decepticons were cool as hell, there just wasn't any interaction between them other than a couple of lines between Megatron and Starscream. While the Autobots had personality, the Decepticons were basically just badass robots looking to bust shit up. The story didn't really lend itself to scenes with the Decepticons hanging out in their Hall of Injustice, but some sort of collaboration would have been nice. I also wanted to see more of Bonecrusher, but only because he's so huggable.

Frenzy - Yeah, he looked cool and was pretty important to the story, but I think a little Frenzy, in his movie incarnation, goes a long way and we got way more than a little. He reminded me of Stitch, from the "Lilo and Stitch" movies/tv show, which made me believe he was there for the kids, despite the fact that he was all to eager to kill folks. I don't know what it is about him that bugged me, but he did so there you go.

The Ugly

Rachel Taylor's nose stud - She's pretty hot, don't get me wrong, but I can't stand nose studs in anyone. All I can think of is snot related issues and it creeps me out.

John Turturro's underwear - If Aloha also means "good bye" then I welcome the sentiment.

As you can see, I had a hard time coming up with things that were really awful about the movie. I enjoyed the hell out of it, and am willing to let the not so good parts slide, because the good parts were just that good. Obviously, those not into the Transformers as much as I am, may have a hard time letting the same things slide, but I think they'd still have a good time, as long as they go into it expecting a big, loud action movie. There are worse ways to spend your time this summer than with a group of badass robots.

Transformers

Just got out of the movie and all I can say is holy fucking shit. More later. I'm too tired from getting my ass rocked.

Time Ace Review

My latest review is up at GameShark.com. See how Time Ace fares against my withering gaze.

Independence Through Underwear

Recently my son needed new undies, which meant a trip to Target and to the product placement as clothing section that passes for boy's clothing. Many options stood before him, including the Transformers, but, as usual, he was drawn to, and picked the Power Rangers.

My son is obsessed with two things, Power Rangers and Lego Racers, neither of which he has ever seen on TV, or actually played with for any appreciable amount of time. This obsession comes solely from his classmates who may or may not know what these things are either. If there were Lego Racer underwear, he would have undoubtedly chosen them, as they occupy roughly 95% of his waking thoughts. Lego Racers, not underwear. Well, I hope underwear doesn't occupy his thoughts.

You think I'm joking, but I can assure you that I am not. Everything has to do with Lego Racers. The car isn't a car, it's a Lego Racer. He and his sister run around the house racing as Lego Racers. Well, he's a Lego Racer, she's just running with him and using it as an opportunity to yell in the house. The dogs are Lego Racer dogs. Dinner is a dinner for Lego Racers. This morning, on the way to school, the song on the radio was a Lego Racers song. For the record, Lego Racers like Snow Patrol.

Along with obsessing over Lego Racers, he's obsessed with winning. Not surprisingly, he wins at everything, even events that are undertaken solely by himself. When he walks into a room, he wins. When he sits down at the table he wins. Sometimes Abby gets there first, at which point he'll say that he almost wins, which is, I imagine, a less traumatizing way of saying you lost. All day, every day, it's just winning and Lego Racers. Whenever he really gets going with the "I win" stuff, I can't help but think of the episode of Friends where the gang was talking about past sexual partners. Monica was remembering someone, I think his name was Scott, who would repeatedly say "I win" when he was, well, "winning". I know it's horribly inappropriate to think of that in regards to my children, but you live with someone saying "I win" easily 4 dozen times a day and see what pops into your head.

I know that he has no idea what a Lego Racer is, because at one point, he said "Lego Racers don't use blocks", why, I have no idea. He'll randomly come up with nouns that Lego Racers do or don't use as well as verbs that Lego Racers do or don't employ. Statements such as "Lego Racers grow jalapeños" or "Lego Racers lobby for peace in Palestine" would not be out of place in our home. Me being the thoughtful and understanding father that I am, could not let a statement of such gross ignorance go unchecked, even if it was uttered by someone who can't tie his own shoes. I explained that Lego Racers not only used blocks, but were made from blocks, Lego blocks to be exact. He looked at me like I was a fucking idiot. And people wonder why I choose to not interact with my children.

Getting back to the underwear, when I saw that he had picked the Power Rangers, I was tempted to direct him towards the Transformers, but I resisted. Previous attempts at getting him interested in Transformers met with dismal failure and the Transformer toys purchased for this purpose lay alone and unloved in the toy cabinet. Besides, it's his life and his childhood and it's up to him to pick which corporate created, live action commercial he chooses to gird his loins with. Plus, being that he's 4, hygiene isn't a top priority, so better the Power Rangers fall victim to insufficient wiping than my beloved Optimus Prime.

It is amazing though, how early we, as parents, try to steer our kids to liking the same things we like, and how quickly they resist, either because what you like is lame and old, or they just need to discover and fall in love with things on their own. I'm sure that if his friends had Transformers, it'd be a different story, but dear old dad being the only one isn't quite cool enough. I'm ok with that, as I'd rather he have something he can relate to his peers with, other than the eating of snot and snot by-products. Plus, now I can purchase Transformers in front of him with abandon and, when he asks if he can have one, trot out the fact that he does have some and he never plays with them. I hope to get bonus points for the use of a parental cliche.

In the meantime, he'll be happy with his underwear, unless things have changed and Lego Racers no longer use underwear. As I, clearly, have no idea what Lego Racers do and don't do, I could be completely wrong as to what Lego Racers wear. I know that back in the day, when I made the fateful switch to boxers, walking up and down a flight of stairs made me feel like a winner, so perhaps Lego Racers wish for the same freedom of movement. I'm sure by the end of the evening I'll have an answer, either by maternal decree that Lego Racers do in fact use underwear or by my son just randomly saying "Lego Racers don't go commando". At the rate he's pairing Lego Racers with the rest of the English language, this phrase isn't too far off.

Catching Up

Greetings. It's been a while, hasn't it? Things have been fairly busy at the compound, what with the game reviewing and general summertime laziness. Work has picked up as well, making it harder to post during normal business hours. I'm also experiencing a bit of writer's block when it comes to the funnier (well, attempts at funny anyways) posts, and to be honest, if I can't bring Teh Funny, I usually don't feel like writing.

Today, however, I'm going to make an exception and instead just bring folks up to date. Wheee.

- So, the review. It was pretty cool to see my name in "print" after all these years toiling away in obscurity. Linda is convinced that this is just the first step in my ascension to the ranks of the media darlings, thereby allowing us to retire early. I certainly don't see that happening, but those controlling the purse strings and the assignments at GameShark, seemed pretty happy with it so the first hurdle has been jumped. Hopefully the readers also found it helpful. When a game is as bad as that game was, it's pretty easy to write a review. The hardest part is to give an honest assessment without looking like you're just beating the thing up. After all, real, actual humans did work on the thing, and anyone who has ever worked in software development can tell you that you don't always have the time or the money to make your product as well as you'd like to. There's a fine line between outlining a game's faults and outright bashing it. There was more I could have said, and in retrospect I probably would have done the review differently, but I think for a first try, it came out OK. This week brings a deluge of games to get cracking on, so there will be plenty of opportunities to flex my critical muscles.

- I just finished "How Would a Patriot Act" by Glenn Greenwald and it was fairly interesting. It outlines the various ways that the Bush administration has gone above the law, and their justification for doing so. The book is a tad repetitive, but it outlines things very well, in simple English, so it's easy to understand exactly what's gone on. It's interesting, and scary, to me that there haven't been more questions asked during the various candidate debates of late, focusing on whether or not the President has the ability to break the law simply because (s)he is the President. In my mind, this isn't a liberal vs. conservative issue or a Democrat vs. Republican issue. You either think that the President, by being granted the ability to use military force in Afghanistan and Iraq, has the power to do whatever he wants to, in opposition to whatever laws may be on the books, and what the Constitution actually says, or you don't. I clearly fall in the latter camp, and I would imagine that most Americans do too, however the issues at hand haven't been presented in such clear cut terms thus far, something we can thank our spineless, crony infested Washington press for. Thanks guys! Personally, I think it's pretty scary that, at any moment, US citizens can be arrested, on US soil, and thrown in prison with no access to a lawyer and no indication of the charges being brought against them, to be kept there indefinitely. The book also helps put the threat of a terrorist attack in the proper perspective, which is to say, it'd be tragic, but hardly the country destroying event that those in power would have you believe.

- My advance ticket for the Transformers movie has been purchased and I am anxiously awaiting the screening. I know that I promised more Transformer reviews, but alas I am lazy and unmotivated to do so. I have a lot of them, and the task seems daunting to review them all in a timely manner. Plus, I want to combine the reviews with other things, so that those that don't care about the toys (most of you) have other things to read as well. We'll see. I haven't gone to a movie on opening night in I don't know how long, so this should be interesting. The geek culture will be well represented, no doubt. My MC Frontalot shirt will probably be in order. I'll resist the urge to purchase an Optimus Prime voice changing helmet and wear it to the screening. I'll put my estimate as to the number of people who do not resist said urge at 6.

- On Tuesday, the Gods of Rock are blessing us with a 7 cd set of Pearl Jam's concerts at the Gorge from the 05 - 06 tour. Verily, we are not worthy of such a blistering offering of rock, but we should accept it and be happy nonetheless.

- I finished Super Paper Mario last night. In the end, it was a love story, which was very nice. The game was fun too, and very well written. I highly recommend it to Wii owners. It's not like you have anything else to do with the console anyways.

- I also finished Puzzle Quest, thereby reclaiming my evenings. I was tempted to replay the campaign as a different character class, but figured I'd save that for the XBLA offering. I should warn you, that if you come up across me online, I am going to use Beserk Rage and Flaming Skulls as a one-two punch that not only leaves you reeling, but sounds your death knell. I would prefer to use them in that order, however given their spectacularly board changing properties, I am prepared to use them in a suboptimal configuration and still hand your ass to you, charbroiled and steaming, displayed in a pleasing manner, adorned with the proper garnishes. Presentation is everything.

- My children are driving me crazy, as kids of their age are supposed to do. My daughter has now taken to collapsing in a heap on the floor when she hears anything she finds to be unacceptable. In a store, it's pretty damn annoying, and is met with a swift trip to the car, where she is forced to endure a spate of loneliness. On occasion, we'll crack a window. At home it is met with amusement on our part, and a fair amount of mocking. I know you're not supposed to mock your children, but whoever wrote that, obviously never had kids. We've tried explaining to her, that if she asks for something, doesn't get it and instead collapses in a heap, that she still doesn't get what she wanted, only now she's got dust and pet hair on her person. She seems immune to reason. I think that if you could start a boarding school that accepted 2 year olds, you'd make millions. You could even give them back at age 5 and still make a ton. Those that would rebut this with the question, "Why would you have kids if you didn't want to spend time with them?" would be answered thusly: "I didn't know they'd be so damn annoying."

- It's really goddamn hot here, and we're in a drought, which should make for an interesting 4th of July. I'm convinced that my neighbor's annual fireworks extravaganza is going to result in my woods burning down. If that happens, I'm going to get it zoned for a mini subdivision that you access via my backyard. Convenient? No. Highly profitable? Yes.

As you can see, there's been a lot going on, so I hope you'll forgive the lack of updates. If not, well, just remember that you get what you pay for.

Wahey!

Well whaddya know. I'm published.

Happy Father's Day

To all of my fatherly friends far and wide, I wish you a happy and relaxing Father's Day. Hopefully your kids spend the day leaving you alone.

I R Dumb

For someone who makes a living working with software, at times I have the hardest time doing the simplest things with computers. Take the act of posting a picture to my gaming cabal's message board. I must be mentally deficient or something because I just can't seem to make it happen. I don't know how the youngsters handle all of their MySpaces and FaceBooks and whatever other crazy ass websites they got going on to manage documenting their lives. This right here is about the best I can do.

That being said, Bones, here's the Hellboy picture. The rest of you can enjoy it too, but you probably don't care nearly as much. If you do, you can get the figure by purchasing Hellboy Animated: Blood and Iron at Best Buy. The figure is pretty damn cool and the movie is a nice little vampire yarn. It's a win-win.

Because I'm Just That Sad

Bonecrusher is just misunderstood. Really he is.

The First of Many

The fans have been clamoring for Transformers reviews and I am more than willing to oblige. But first, a word about the flowers.

Those of you who visited the gallery of flower pictures were probably surprised to see so dang many of them. I admit that I went a wee bit shutter crazy at the Botanical Gardens, but I have my reasons. When I was young, my family, my mom's parents, all the aunts and uncles on her side and their kids would all trek up to Cape Cod for the annual family vacation. One year, we were following my grandparents up, when my grandfather pulled the car off to the side of the road, got out and started taking pictures of these flowers he saw growing on the median. My grandmother was motioning for him to get back in the car, but he continued taking pictures until he was done. Then he got back in the car and we continued driving.

I asked my mom why Poppy would stop to get out of the car and take pictures of a flower when there are flowers everywhere. She told me that when my grandfather was in WWII, he was shot down over Germany and spent 18 months in a German POW camp. The experience taught him that when you see something of great beauty, even if it's a flower on the side of a Massachusetts highway, it's worth your time to get out and take a better look. I probably don't need to tell you that a sentiment such as that is completely lost on an impatient 11 year old, however for a slightly more patient 35 year old, it has some weight. Plus, whenever I see beautiful flowers, I think of my grandfather, and if taking pictures helps me feel closer to who he was, then by Crom, I'm going to take pictures until the film runs out.

Enough heavy stuff. On to the robots.

Between my somewhat cramped schedule and my meager photography skills, I'm not going to fill these reviews with bunches of pictures. I have a review game arriving any day now which will occupy my evenings and honestly, we have such bad lighting at home that any pictures I take will end up all grainy and crappy. Instead, my camera photos will have to do, along with links to galleries of pictures shot by more competent photogs than myself.

Today I'm going to talk about the Real Gear series of robots as I just got them all in the mail yesterday and I love them to pieces. The Real Gear series is based on the idea that the Allspark goes crazy on Earth and transforms regular devices into robots. How an MP3 player decides to align with evil robots bent on Earth's destruction so soon after being transformed into a sentient being is anyone's guess. I find that asking too many questions significantly diminishes my enjoyment of these things.

On to the pictures.


From left to right we have Speed Dial 800 (cellphone), Power Up VT6 (handheld video game machine), Booster X10 (mp3 player and earpiece) and Longview (binoculars).

From left to right we have Zoom Out 25x (camcorder) and Spy Shot 6 (digital camera).

Speed Dial 800
Speed Dial 800's alt mode is a cellular flip phone, complete with camera. As cell phones are pretty dang small nowadays, he's one of the few Transformers that has a life sized alt mode. Not sure if that means anything to you, but I like it. His "display" shows the time of 7:47 on one side which is a cheeky reminder that the movie comes out on July 4th. The other side has the same thing with the Autobot logo, signal strength and battery power. He gets better reception than I do, which is somewhat annoying. As with all of the robots in this series, his transformation is really simple yet entertaining and charming. Also, as with all of the robots in this series, arms and legs will pop off if too much pressure is put on them, which is preferred over having them snap completely off, but if you're planning on giving these to small kids, be prepared to do a lot of ball joint repair. His robot mode is fairly poseable, despite having unnaturally large shins. The joints appear to have the proper amount of stickiness, allowing for poses far more dramatic than the "Hidey Ho!" I have him currently modeling.

Power Up VT6
Power Up VT6 is a handheld video game machine. The fact that he's a Decepticon leads me to believe that Hasbro thinks that video games are evil, particularly Transformer video games, as that's what's being played on his chest. I can somewhat see Hasbro's point with this. After all, if kids are playing video games, they're not playing with Transformers. Oh well, I guess Hasbro will have to just get by with losers such as myself willing to part with hundreds of dollars in the vain hopes that they can reclaim their childhood. Power Up's transform mode is fairly simple, almost too simple as his head, arms and legs are all connected to ease the transformation from robot to game machine. Once you get the mechanics right the fun is somewhat taken out of him, however his alt mode has a bunch of working buttons and who doesn't like buttons. The back of his head is clear plastic, so that if you illuminate him from behind, his eyes not only glow green but peer into your soul and find you lacking.

Booster X10
Booster is the Real Gear version of Laserbeak and I'm just fine with that. The mp3 player transforms into the bird part and the headset just snaps onto his back as a laser cannon. The transform is super easy and his translucent, orange plastic feathers are the shit. He has poseable feet however they are very finicky which, when coupled with his natural front heaviness makes getting him to stand up a bit of a problem. Once you get him posed, don't plan on moving him lest you want to spend the next 15 minutes futzing with his feet. You can't tell from my crappy picture, but you can tilt his head, allowing you to express the full range of inquisitiveness you would expect from a murderous robot bird.

Longview
Longview is my absolute favorite. Maybe it's his massive quads, maybe it's his dude-like face, complete with wraparound visor thing. Maybe it's his big upper body that just screams "weight lifter". I don't know what it is, but this figure is just way too much fun to play with and pose. His alt form is a pair of binoculars that have a random robot image in them, however given that my eyes are much farther apart than your average 5 year old, I can't really see what's going on in there. His transform is pretty easy but with an interesting little part where you fold his head out from the recesses of his crotch. Bummer for him that he has to spend all of the time in alt mode sniffing his own nether regions, but maybe he can turn his head off in alt mode. Let's hope so. He's pretty poseable, and given my thinking of him as some sort of musclebound freak, I was compelled to make him flex for the camera. Later on he's going to go and kick sand in Booster X10's face.

Zoom Out 25x
Zoom Out is a camcorder, and as such is one of the tiniest camcorders you'll ever see. He has a flip out display that pictures, surprisingly enough, a giant robot. His focus ring also moves, if you want to pretend that you're actually using a camcorder the size of a box or raisins. He has an interesting transform, including pulling out these wing things from his back. I'm not sure what purpose they serve other than making him look like the offspring of a camcorder and a large beetle. He's not the most limber of the bunch due to the fact that the main camera body makes up his torso with the eyepiece as one shoulder and the lens as another. He can pose a little, as witnessed by my mad posing skills, but you won't be asking him to break out the breakdancing moves any time soon. I do like that he has one eye bigger and redder than the other. It evokes a zoom lens, or a horrific case of pink eye.

Spy Shot 6
Spy Shot is my second favorite of the Real Gear, and it's all because of his head. I can't put my finger on what his face reminds me of, but he's got these big red goggles and this vaguely Devo-ish head. You can get a better idea of what I'm talking about from this picture in the Seibertron gallery. His alt mode is a camera with a working shutter button. When I say "working", I mean "clicking". His transform is fun, if only because when you first pop out his one arm, his head is right there as if to say "Surprise!". I know it sounds stupid, but when I popped out his arm and saw his big Devo head, I laughed out loud. I'm easily amused. I know this now. He's fairly poseable, despite me not having him doing anything but kind of standing there and has a lot more leg range than the other ones. Plus, he's got pincer hands and pincer hands always win.

I promise to get into more detail for the other Voyager and Deluxe class robots and will possibly pen a 5 part editorial for the Leader class figures, but there's not too much you can say about these guys other than they're lots of fun, pretty creative and at 7 - 8 bucks a figure, you can pick up all 6 for slightly more than a Leader class figure.

As promised, here are links to Seibertron.com's super awesome galleries. They have galleries for everyone but Booster X10 so you'll just have to take my word for how cool he is.

Speed Dial 800
Power Up VT6
Longview
Zoom Out 25x
Spy Shot 6

Flowers

I'm working on getting some Transformer reviews up, as I know you're all anxiously awaiting them, but I have family visiting so I don't have a tremendous amount of time to do reviews. Plus, I need to start playing Death Jr. for the DS once I get it so that I can review it and help pay for all these goddamn robots.

In the meantime, enjoy these pictures of flowers that I took at the Botanical Gardens this past Saturday. Or, you know, don't.

Teh Tagteam

I have been tagged by Monique and while I usually don't engage in such shenanigans, I'm feeling lazy today. I've also been indirectly tagged by Bones, so I'll answer his questions too. Bonus!

First, Monique's...

Three Things That Scare Me
1. Financial ruin
2. Spelunking (thanks to The Descent)
3. My kids growing up to be assholes

Three People Who Make Me Laugh
1. My wife
2. Brian Regan
3. Jim Gaffigan

Three Things I Love
1. My family, but more so, my wife
2. Good barbecue
3. Zelda games

Three Things I Hate
1. Bananas
2. Homophobia
3. Ska music

Three Things I Don't Understand
1. Chemistry. Seriously, I don't understand a goddamn word of it. Covalent bonds my ass!
2. The appeal of baseball. Barry Bonds my ass!
3. Why two loving people who want to be in a committed relationship can tear down the sanctity of marriage simply because they're the same gender but Britney Spears getting married like 19 times does not. Um, my ass!

Three Things On My Desk
1. Pictures of my family
2. Transformers. Lots and lots of Transformers.
3. A Get Fuzzy page a day calendar. Oh that Bucky Katt.

Three Things I'm Doing Right Now
1. Not working.
2. Waiting to go to lunch with Linda.
3. Desperately hoping that Blackout and Ratchet will be at Target.

Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die
1. Skydive
2. Go to Hawaii.
3. See Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band in concert. Not just Bruce, they all have to be there.

Three Things I Can Do
1. Write horribly long run-on sentences.
2. Bore my wife by speaking at length about Transformers.
3. Cook

Three Things I Can't Do
1. The "live long and prosper" Vulcan hand thingy.
2. Cartwheels
3. Eat fish.

Three Things I Think You Should Listen To
1. Super 400
2. Silversun Pickups
3. Me. I am a font of amazing advice and knowledge. Stop slouching!

Three Things You Should Never Listen To
1. People who tell you that you're going to fail simply because they have.
2. The entire George W. Bush administration.
3. Me. Seriously, I don't know my ass from a hole in the ground.

Three Things I'd Like To Learn
1. To speak fluent Spanish.
2. To make an omelet like Stanley Tucci does at the end of "Big Night".
3. How to be so thin, yet live so fat.

Three Favorite Foods
1. Pork (includes ribs, sausage, pulled pork, you get the idea)
2. Egg noodles with butter and breadcrumbs
3. Apple fritters from the country store near where Linda's parents live.

Three Shows I Watched As A Kid
1. Transformers
2. Bionic Six
3. G. I. Joe

Now for Bones's, which is 8 random fact/habits about myself.

1. I did a very small stint as a stand up comic in college. The night I bombed horribly taught me more about performing than the nights I did well.
2. The consistency of bananas freaks me out to the point where I can't even listen to my children eat them.
3. I'm going to steal Bones's one here, because he put it so well. "The English language doesn't contain words that accurately express my excitement for the Transformers movie."
4. I always think I look about 10 pounds heavier than I actually am.
5. I wish I could draw.
6. I wish I had more time to cook more elaborate meals.
7. I always tear up when Superman saves the jet in Superman Returns.
8. I enjoy playing multiplayer games, not because I can get a lot of kills, or score a lot of points, but because I can consistently crack people up in the pre-game lobby.

There you go. I'd tag Greg, but I know he doesn't have the time what with Lia Howley, Baby of Wonder having been born! Congrats Greg and Linda on your beautiful new addition. Congrats to Lia for being born and sorry the planet is so fucked up. Once you're old enough to eat ice cream, you'll find that a good brownie sundae goes a long way towards making it all better.

Crash!

Ah the joys of the long weekend, with its sleeping in until 11, long, languid lunches at the restaurant of your choice and general lazy laying about. My weekend was nothing like this, but I remember what it was like and these thoughts make me weep.

The less said about the weekend the better, however I can say that my children but the "long" in long weekend.

That crashing sound you heard earlier today was Target shattering the Transformers movie toy street date with impunity. I ventured there to return some shirts and felt drawn, nay, pulled to the toy aisle. What greeted me but a host of Transformer toys, including the Leader class Optimus Prime and the Voyager class Ironhide and Starscream. I almost missed Ironhide, but thankfully, my keen eye and persistent collector's spirit took over and I rummaged around like a crazy person. There were no Deluxe figures to speak of, other than the Protoform toys, but they did have all the Real Gear toys. They look like fun and I am anxiously awaiting their arrival.

Optimus is fucking huge, which he should be for 44 goddamn dollars. He, Ironhide and Starscream are currently in the back of the van, waiting for me to take them home and make with the Transforming. This leaves only Ratchet, Blackout and Megatron for Saturday's auspicious toy release event. I'm going to try and wait until Saturday so that I can use some Wal-Mart store credit, but in all honesty, I have zero self control and will probably buy these early if the opportunity presents itself Wal-Mart is a stickler for not selling toys prior to street date lest they incur the wrath of Hasbro. Target apparently shrugs off said wrath, humming a jaunty tune all the while.

I apologize in advance for all of the Transformers stuff you'll have to endure in the coming days. This comment is directed mostly at my wife, but seeing how she represents something like 25% of this site's readership, I felt it was necessary.

If you thought it was easy to purchase old school glass jars for pickling and canning, you would be very, very wrong. Everywhere you look, space age polymers assault your senses, demanding you store your foodstuffs within their tight fitting confines, yet the classic profile of the mason jar is nowhere to be found. I'm all for modern conveniences but I'll be damned if my currently marinating batch of freezer pickles is bottled up in some plastic affront to long term food storage. My pickles deserve better than that. Much better.

Damn It Was A Good Day

Man, Thursday turned out to be one of the bestest days evar!

First, the Real Gear robots went on sale at the Hasbro online toy shop, so I was able to use my super Koju code for extra savings and free shipping, thereby saving myself even more money. These savings were offset somewhat by two new Real Gear robots I had no previous knowledge of, but in the end, it's all good. These should ship today, so hopefully I'll have them around the same time the toys go on sale at your local toy shops, unlike my other 6 toys which will arrive some time in the next decade.

Second, when I got home I had three glorious packages waiting for me. One of them was "3 and the Beast", the super rocking new album by Super 400. Not only did it arrive quickly, but my request for an autographed copy upon ordering was granted. Wahey! The band and I hail from the same area and I was able to leverage this for some sweet, sweet John Hancockery. My second package was this very cool Overcompensating poster from web cartoonist extraordiaire, Jeff Rowland. It too was autographed and had a little sketch of Joanna the zombie cat. It patiently awaits framing in its cardboard sleeve. There will only be 250 of these, so I'm like a collector or something. My third package was from Bones and Cathie to celebrate the momentous occasion that was my birth. It included a protoform Optimus Prime and a very nice, stand up Superman card decorated with a custom Batman sketch by Bones himself. It also had some disparaging comments regarding Superman Returns which I have chosen to ignore lest the bonds of friendship between Bones and I go up in flames.

I know it seems like the day absolutely could not get any better, but I was there, and I'm here to tell you that it totally did.

I fired up Crackdown to commandeer some more cars and await a my co-worker Matt's arrival so we could continue the time trials on Psychotic, when I remembered that previous car commandeering missions took me past a hidden orb on a bridge that I wanted to go back and collect. I did not know that you could walk on a catwalk under the bridge, and after collecting the orb, I noticed there were apartment buildings also under the bridge. I ventured over there, found another hidden orb and what, off to the right did I see, but one of the three remaining agility orbs I needed. I ran over and collected it and then went back to the apartment buildings to scour some more. After collecting another hidden orb, I looked around and realized that these buildings bordered some rock outcroppings that I had seen when taking down one of the gang bosses but never really explored. As I looked over the outcroppings, I saw yet another agility orb. I ran over and collected it and was now up to 499 of 500 orbs. Surely there can't be any more, I thought. Best be safe, I thought. I ran over some rocks, to a peninsula that looked vaguely unfamiliar and that's when I saw it.

Ladies and gentlemen, what you see before you is Agility Orb 500 of 500. After going upstairs and behaving like a giddy schoolgirl in front of my wife, I quickly sent a message to Matt regarding my find and then picked up the controller and slowly moved my Agent into the orb, thereby collecting it and unlocking the coveted Free Runner achievement. 50 achievement points gained and one big weight removed from my gaming neck. Truly this is a day that will live forever.

After that it was all good in the hood, kicking time trials ass and taking names. Soon the Psyche Out achievement will also fall before me and I can continue commandeering vehicles all willy nilly.

Once the gaming was done, it was back upstairs to watch the Lost finale, which just happened to be one of the finest season finales I've ever seen and cemented Lost's status as one of the best shows on televison.

Today I didn't even have to use my A.K.
I got to say it was a good day .

Rock Around the Calendar

Before we get to the subject of the post, there is exciting toy news to discuss. The Transformer movie toys officially come out on June 2nd, however to coincide with last week's splendiferous trailer, Hasbro has allowed stores to start selling 6 figures. This would be your Bumblebee, Wreckage, Barricade, Brawl, Jazz and Scorponok. So far, I haven't seen these figures anywhere, but seeing how Walmart is still stocked with figures from the Classics line, as well as a glut of Spider-Man toys, and Target is content with rows and rows of empty pegs, I'm not surprised.

As you should know by now, I am an impatient man when it comes to games and Transformers. Waiting until I stumbled across the figures at my favorite retail shop is not something I deal well with. Thankfully, the Hasbro online toy shop is not only open, but has the figures in stock. My gaming buddy Kojubat was kind enough to provide me with a code that gives the bearer both free shipping and 25% off, so not only did I score the six figures with minimal hassle, but I saved 12 bucks in the process. That's the price of another toy. Woo-hoo! I also get some free Transformer magnets which I find somewhat ironic as presumably, they would wipe clean the mind of any robotic being they come across, thereby destroying the very commodities they advertise. The only downside here is that between the processing time and the shipping time, it'll be about 4 weeks until I get the blasted things. No worries here. Should I find the figures out in retail, I can buy them, begin enjoying them and then just return the ones I receive in the mail. Truly, this is a glorious day. That leaves several I now need to find come June 2, but it's 6 less than there were when I woke up this morning.

Details on Guitar Hero 3 were released today and while normally I would be all a twitter with excitement for the delicious song information, my copy of Guitar Hero 2 for the 360 sits in the corner a scant 2 months old. How can I be excited for a spate of new songs when I haven't even 5 starred all of the existing tour songs on Medium and have yet to even buy all the indies? Loathe as I am to say it, it would appear that Guitar Hero has been turned into the Madden of the rhythm game genre.

This new version of Guitar Hero will support both the Wii and the PS3, which allows for even further market penetration, but for those of us lured to the 360 version by the siren song of downloadable content, I fear our hopes have just come crashing down to Earth. If the next version of the full game is to be release some 7 - 8 months after the last one, I fail to see how there is enough time and development resources at Neversoft to produce both new, downloadable songs and a full version of the game on 3 different platforms, 2 of which they have never developed on before. Oh, did I not mention that Neversoft has never actually made a Guitar Hero game?

Now, just because I'm proclaiming doom, it doesn't mean that doom is upon is. There are a few scenarios that would allow us to download songs. First, is that Neversoft has two teams, one for developing the new version and one for developing new download only songs. I find this somewhat hard to believe as the cost must be prohibitive and why allocate resources to develop songs that will be purchased piecemeal, when you can instead force people to pay 60 bucks for the entire catalog?

The second option is that the newly announced 80's expansion pack for Guitar Hero 2, which, so far, is a PS2 exclusive, will be available via download on Live. If this is the case, I doubt they'll break up the songs, but anything is possible. All I know is that I'd sooner let a rabid Wildebeest in my home to fuck my couch than I would anything by Flock of Seagulls or Poison.

The third option is that, as development continues on GH3, they'll release a few songs for purchase that will hook into GH2 and allow you to increase your leaderboard scores and such. In earlier, more innocent days you would have called this a demo. People will bitch and moan about having to pay now for songs they could just wait to buy later, but in the end the need to download something, anything, will win, just as people bitched and moaned over the price of the downloadable GH1 songs but ultimately bought them to validate their 360 purchase.

Personally, knowing that another version of Guitar Hero will be available in less than a year, I don't really feel the need to download songs. As I mentioned before I've a fair amount to accomplish in Guitar Hero 2 and if 3 will have multiplayer over Live, then I feel as if my 360 purchase has been justified. In fact, I feel that way already as the 360 controller is infinitely more responsive than it's PS2 counterpart, a fact confirmed by my going back and playing GH1 on the PS2. Achievements are also a big draw, regardless of what that says about my vanity. I'm somewhat disappointed that downloadable songs seem to be stuck in the past, but at 2 bucks a pop, their pricing model did not inspire confidence, even less so knowing full versions will come every fall. I will go out on a limb and say that Rocktober will favor heavily.

I know that I haven't spoken of Rock Band, but at this point, the one controller I have purchased marks the most I'm willing to spend on hardware in my quest to become a fake rock star. An extra 200 dollars is folly, even if it includes a drum and a microphone. Also, I have spent enough time attending college open mic nights to know that some people have no business singing, yet feel as if they were put on this Earth to do just that. I have no desire to meet these people online and were I to do so, their torturing of my favorite songs would haunt my dreams.

Finally, if ever you wondered if a dog can blow out its knee, I am hear to tell you "yes". The proof is currently asleep on my family room floor. Not only can they blow out one knee, but if they're fat and female like my dog, chances are they'll blow out both back knees. When I tell people about this, their first question usually regards how much it will cost to fix her knee. My answer is that my dog is 11 and has led a wonderfully full life. That usually ends the conversation as to not leads to a fairly grim economics lesson.

Business as Usual

Greetings friends! It's great to be back.

I was taken to task by a coworker today over the fact that it has been 10 days since my last post. My excuse of a vacation fell on deaf ears as he is well aware of my PDA phone with it's web browser and unlimited data plan. Truly the shape of my shame was laid bare. Mr. Stewart, this one is for you.

I have some things regarding my vacation to share with you, various tips and tricks, but first, some news on my burgeoning career as a freelance game reviewer. As we speak, the gears of commerce are slowly moving forward, stuffing the retail channels with the first game I will be reviewing. We will leave titles unspoken at this point, lest I speak out of turn, however my hopes are that you will be able to read the review for yourself in a short time. It would appear that, for the time being anyways, the 4 reviews I had planned between now and the end of June, have possible been cut down to two, due to difficulties obtaining games. I did not know this, but apparently, some companies are easy to get review copies from, and some are not. I am not so stupid as to mention those that aren't, however, I can say that one of them surprised me. I know that with spiraling game development costs, publishers can't be sending copies out willy-nilly, however I can't imagine that one copy given for review purposes would be the difference between a sequel and an abject failure. Also, GameShark.com is not a fly by night operation. When I receive a check, it will be signed by the fine folks at Mad Catz, makers of gaming peripherals for every conceivable system. Truly, these people are not interested in pissing off game publishers thereby shitting where they eat. Whatever ends up happening, know that soon my unbiased opinions will be available for all to read. More so than usual, that is.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, allow me to present you with the 5th grade classic, updated for the new millenium...

Things I Learned On My Summer Vacation

1. The ocean cares not for your golf course.
The beach we went to was bordered by a golf course, a golf course that is slowly being eaten away by the ocean. Sandbags were used to keep the water from surging forward and taking away the 18th hole's fairway support, however pieces of the golf course were still falling off onto the beach. Truly, Poseidon is not a fan of the sport.

2. Sandbags feel remarkably like angry sea creatures.
The sandbags used to keep the golf course from sinking into the briny depths, made their way down the beach, often times under the water. Finding these sandbags with one's foot resulted in squeals of horror, namely from myself, as I thought that I was stepping on a crab the size of a 5 lb sack of flour.

3. Not all beaches are the same.
Some beaches are filled with soft, warm sand, just right for digging your feet into, and feeling the warm, grainy goodness between your feet. Some beaches, like our beach, has high tide every 12 hours, thereby packing the sand down to concrete type hardness. This makes for nice walking, easy shell finding and good material for sand castles, however were you to play a game of beach football, you'd dislocate your shoulder on that spectacular diving catch.

4. Charleston, SC is filled with insanely attractive women.
If you are a woman and you live in Charleston, or, Lord help you, attend Charleston College, there's a pretty good chance you are attractive to the point of causing physical pain. When you think of American cities that are filled with attractive women, cities like Miami and Los Angeles come to mind. Charleston, not so much, but rest assured that I speak the truth, and this city is a haven for young, good looking women.

5. Charleston, SC is filled with bow ties.
It must be a southern thing, but a lot of guys wear suits with bow ties. This, coupled with the previous point makes the chances of even a remotely attractive person scoring a date in Charleston fairly high. Unless, of course, women in Charleston are into bow ties. Somehow, I find that hard to believe, unless you're speaking of the 95 year old members of the local "Daughters of the Confederacy" chapter.

6. Two year olds make shitty traveling companions.
It's nothing against them, they're just not built for travel. Well, my daughter isn't anyways. I remember taking my son to Chicago for Christmas when he was barely a year old. He managed to contract dual ear infections that couldn't have been pleasant, yet he wasn't nearly as cranky and deranged as my daughter was on this trip. Part of this is because she didn't nap in the day time, except for in the car, and part of this, I'm sure, was due to the change in surroundings. Thankfully, we were all able to joke about it. Well, all but my son, who, by the end of the week, was driven to hysterics by her incessant wailing. On the plus side, this is the last year she'll be two and next year we'll know to a) put them in separate rooms for sleeping and b) bring more liquor.

7. I am the table game king.
I was the only person in the vacation party to win at both Yahtzee and Uno. Truly this makes me a gaming god amongst mortals. They should be happy that Risk wasn't present, or I would have ground their spirits under my boot heel.

8. Small, local owned businesses are overrated.
We ate at several small, local owned business and while some were good, some were overpriced and with shitty services. That's not to say that chain restaurants offer unparalleled service and value, however going to the local sandwich shop is just as much of a crap shoot as to the quality of the meal and the service as stopping at your local Denny's.

9. I enjoy watching bowling.
I watched Classic Bowling every day on ESPN and have grown to enjoy watching bowling very, very much. That Danny Wiseman is a hoot. Classic is a relative term, as some of the matches were from 2 years ago, while some were from closer to 20. It was funny to see how much bowling had been turned into entertainment from the older matches until now. Truly, ESPN is closer to The Ocho than they realize.

10. Walking on the beach with someone you love absolutely makes a vacation.
Linda had planned this whole trip, and she stressed out over the whole thing, but in the end, it all worked out really, really well. Despite all of the little bumps and hitches in the trip, it was nice to spend a week with the family, nice to eat out a whole bunch and nice to walk on the beach with the woman I love. The aforementioned bowling was also nice, just not as nice as the beach thing. I mean, I like bowling, but not enough to get divorced over it.

The Gamer's Guide to Vacation

Summer is upon us, and with it, we emerge from our dark basements and gaming dens to sample the great and wondrous treasures this world has to offer. Yes, I'm talking about vacation, those glorious trips to various, far flung parts of the world where we experience the best that leisure has to offer, while at the same time, remind us why we choose to spend so much of our time not interacting with other human beings.

Seeing how gamers can be, how do I put this nicely, an obsessive lot, I've come up with some tips to help you get the most out of your vacation, while at the same time not end up so distraught over being disconnected from your hobby that you end up trying to play Barbie Horse Adventures on an Xbox made out of driftwood and dead jellyfish.

I should note that I'm going on vacation next week and will do my best to post, however I can't guarantee anything. This will differ wildly from normal weeks in that at least this time, you know ahead of time that I'm ignoring you.

Check the Calendar
The easiest way to ensure you don't miss a moment of pure, gaming goodness is to check the calendar and avoid content heavy months. Going on a trip to beautiful Prague in October or November is, in a word, stupid. Vacationing anywhere during the heady holiday buying season is a no-no, unless your traveling to your basement and have just told family and co-workers that you're in Europe so that they won't bother you while you play GTA IV.

The summer months are usually fine as game releases slow to a trickle, except for the various movie tie in games that undoubtedly suck as much, if not more, than the explosive, blockbuster bullshit they're based on. Now that E3 is dead and gone, travel restrictions in May have also been lifted. Take me, for example. I looked at the calendar for this coming week and saw that nothing was going on of any gaming importance, so I was free to be away from my 360. What? The Halo 3 Beta? Ha-ha-ha. Very funny. Wait, what? You're serious? Dammit!

Location, Location, Location
Where you go on vacation can be just as important as when you go on vacation as certain destinations will allow you to keep your finger on the pulse of gaming while others will allow you to keep your finger on the pulse of a badger or a wild boar. Here's a breakdown of common vacationing spots:

The Woods
Pros: No one fights over the Wiimotes because there's no power. Allows you to fulfill MMORPG fantasies of beating on small rodents with big sticks. Mosquitos eat free.
Cons: You're forced to live like savages, hanging your food from trees and pooping in a hole you dug yourself. No Wi-Fi. Bears not as friendly in real life as they were on "Gentle Ben".

The Beach
Pros: Usually near cities for evening portable recharging. Hot chicks in bathing suits. Allows you to fulfill MMORPG fantasies of unleashing your "healing potion" on jellyfish stings.
Cons: Grandmas in bathing suits. Impossible to get sand out of a Sixaxis. Pale gamer skin prone to bursting into flame when exposed to more than 20 minutes of continuous sunlight.

The City
Pros: Ample power and internet connections for marathon gaming sessions. Game stores abound. Opportunity to meet online only gaming friends in person.
Cons: You're not fooling anyone by claiming you're "vacationing" in Cleveland. Meeting online only gaming friends in person reminds you why you choose to only meet people online.

The Mountains
Pros: Clear line of sight for exceptional cell phone service.
Cons: Amorous mountain goats.

Equipment Check
Obviously you're going to take some kind of video game system with you. I mean, let's be serious here. If you're like me, you could no sooner be away from your liver for a week than you could your DS and it's good buddy Mr. Puzzle Quest. Which system you bring will depend on a number of factors, including length of stay, who's going with you and the other planned activities. Once again, I break it down for you.

Portables
Here we consider the DS, the PSP and most cell phone games. Portables offer the easiest opportunity to game on the go, however your game type selection is limited and unless you're planning on trading for Grandma's Squirtle, the games don't necessarily let the rest of the family in on the action. By the way, "Grandma's Squirtle" would be an excellent name for a rock band.

Consoles
The Wii would be an excellent choice if traveling to visit family, however prying the Wiimote out of Uncle Charlie's hands after he relives his glory days as a high school tennis player may not be your idea of a fun time. Be prepared to explain what a "mini-game" is as you won't find much more than that on this system. The 360 is an excellent choice, except for the fact that even the slightest of jostling may cause the dreaded Red Ring of Death, or quite possibly, a thermonuclear explosion. The 360 also opens up the possibility of your 7 year old cousin scoring multiple headshots on you, and I don't think your ego can handle that. The PS3 is a sturdy machine, capable of traveling well, however after purchasing one you probably don't have any money left for vacationing. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

PCs
A souped up gaming laptop offers the best mix of games and also allows you to turn that Shriner's Convention into a LAN party, provided the hotel doesn't mind you taking over the business center. The laptop can also double as a DVD player on the plane which will come in handy when the airlines start dropping movies to cut costs. Just leave the hentai at home. The downside of the laptop is that you may, upon arriving at your hotel, want to log in for "just a quick second" to see what your WOW guild is doing and then, 5 days later, realize you never left your hotel room and instead spent several thousand dollars to engage in an activity you could have done at home, free of charge.

As you can see, making the correct gaming choices can be the difference between an exciting and meaningful vacation that allows you to reconnect with family and friends, and a trip where you stay abreast of gaming news and manage to finally capture your last Pokemon to the delight of no one but yourself. Choose wisely!

When I'm Thirty-Five

And lo, on this day a child was born and it was good.

That child, in case you haven't guess yet, was me. Well, not just me, as I have it on good authority that other people also share this birthday, but for the purposes of this post, the child in question is me. Glad we got that cleared up.

Yes dear reader, I am the grand old age of 35 today. In many parts of the world, this would put me at, or beyond middle age. I still have a few years to get to that part for here in the good old U S of A, provided my lumbago doesn't act up and kill me. Can you even die of lumbago? Something to ponder.

This birthday is different from my recent birthdays in that I'm working today. Well, I'm at work today. Ever since I had kids, every one of my celebratory birthday days off has been crashed by a sick child so I decided to end the streak today and go to work. In retrospect, this was a bad idea as I'd really like to be at home right now playing Okami. Next year I'll try and fake them out and take the day after my birthday off. That'll teach those fuckers.

Being that it's my birthday, I think it's time to take stock in my life and see where I am in my grand plans for complete global domination.

Health
A healthy dictator is a happy dictator. Once I take over the world, I can't have rumors of poor health sparking the populace into revolt. I don't know how Castro does it as he appears to have died several years ago and now is just an animated corpse, ruling from beyond the grave. So far, I have no health issues to speak of, other than all the skin on my face falling off. Seriously. It's kind of gross. I think it's stress. Really, I have no idea, but after a trip to the dermatologist, things appear to be under control. On the plus side, if it continues, I can get one of those bad ass Cobra Commander hoods. It's what every despot needs! I'd consider a Destro style metal mask, but I don't think that thing breathes too well. What's that gotta smell like at the end of a hard day of mercenary style destruction? Not good.

I have applied for life insurance so that my family is provided for should I perish, and in doing so have gotten a full run down on all of my bodily humours. No real surprises there. Slightly low good cholesterol and slightly high non-bad fat. Basically I need to eat more fish and exercise. I abhor fish, so that ain't gonna happen but I have started working out 3 times a week. We have a free gym in my office building now, so between that and rollerblading I've already lost no weight to speak of. This is mostly because I haven't changed my eating habits any. I figured that if I started working out and starving myself, I wouldn't stick to either, so my plan is to get used to working out and then start eating less. So far I'm finding working out quite enjoyable as the treadmill allows me to keep up on all of my magazines. There's nothing like walking on a treadmill while reading "Food and Wine" and watching the Food Network. Hmmmm, I think I see why I'm not eating less.

Career
The job is going swimmingly, thanks. Everyone is still very nice to work with and I'm enjoying the work. Testing can still be boring, but there's enough test case development and general process improvement stuff to make it interesting. Plus, at times the workload is slow enough to allow me to do things like post on this here site. Can't complain there.

On a somewhat related note, I've been given the opportunity to write game reviews over at GameShark.com. I'm not considering it a done deal until I see my name over there on a review, but just the fact that they're willing to give me a shot is enough for me. I don't see this as being a career change for me, as 50 bucks a review ain't gonna feed my family, but to be paid for something that I've written, no matter how small is a huge deal for me. I've been writing on this site, and it's previous incarnation for about 4 years now and it's always been tough for me to get my writing out in front of more eyes. That's not to say that I'll be using GameShark to promote this site, but the fact that more people will be able to read my writing is thrilling. It's also completely terrifying and I get wigged out about once a day over it. I apologize in advance for the GameShark pimpery that begins once my reviews start popping up.

Family
The family is great. No complaints there. The kids are still a pain in the ass, but at 2 and 4, that's pretty much their function. I'm not going to jinx anything and mention anything else positive about them and instead just say that they are functioning well within normal operational parameters.

Linda continues to be the bright point in my life. I don't know what I'd do without her and I'm thankful for every day I get to spend with her. She too is still a pain in the ass.

Leisure
This is where the majority of my problems lie. There's just not enough time in the day to do everything I want to do. There are too many movies to watch and games to play and not enough time to do it. I'm about a third of the way through Okami, about half way through Guitar Hero 2, still have to finish Gears of War in Insane, haven't broken 200 in Wii Sports bowling yet and have over 100 movies that I've purchased and haven't watched yet. I also have a stack of PS2 and Gamecube games to play and I have to finish Puzzle Quest and Pokemon Diamond. If you add review games to the mix, I'll be spending even less time playing the games I've purchased. Not a bad problem to have, but a problem nonetheless. Hopefully, once I've ground the world beneath my boot heel I'll have some spare time. I'm hoping to outsource all of the putting down of uprisings, so that should free up some time on my schedule.

So, as you can see, things are going pretty well for me, which is why I expect to be flattened by a piano the moment I stop writing this and get u---

Ouch.

Morning Laugh

Bones, this one is for you. I was going to post something Wed. night, but I got lazy. Then I felt bad that I didn't have a laugh for you on Thursday morning. I plan on posting Thursday morning, but in the event I don't get it done before your visit, I now present you with my most favoritest joke in the whole world.

Ahem.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Thank you! And thank you to Groucho Marx, from whom I stole it.

News from the Front

Last night I was treated to a balls to the wall explosion of Nerdcore Hip-Hop by none other than the godfather of the movement, MC Frontalot.

The Front put on an amazing show to a packed audience of approximately 50 or so people. While that may seem like an extremely low number, there are a few things to consider. One, is that it was a Sunday night. Two is that wack sucka punks were expressly forbidden from entering. This may have had a detrimental effect on the number of people attending, however the quality of the audience members far exceeded anything you'd find at a mainstream concert.

And what a concert it was! Front had a live band behind him and they did an admirable job providing him with the mad beats he thrives on. He played a nice mix of old and new stuff, and even used a 20 sided die to spin a tale of nerdcore hip-hop like the world has never seen. "Secrets From the Future", "Origin of the Species", "Special Delivery" and "I Heart Fags" were particularly rocking and threatened to shake the world's very foundation.

As great as the music was, the best part of the evening was being able to chat with Front, and his band leader Gaby prior to the show. Front was kind enough to sell me a t-shirt and autograph a cd prior to his set, however the opening band was so loud, I was unable to communicate except for crude hand gestures. I don't know about you, but I am unable to convey deep musical appreciation with only my hands. Upon returning from the restroom, I saw him chilling outside and decided to do the usual fanboy thing and completely butt in on his personal time. Oh yeah.

Front was very gracious in taking the time to speak to me. It's rare to be able to express, in person, one's gratitude to the artists that provide us with so much enjoyment. I told him how much I loved the new album and how the hooks and beats were so good, that I couldn't see any reason why it couldn't compete with anything on the radio. He seemed pleased, and even said, that I should tell Gaby, the aforementioned band leader, the same thing. He then called Gaby over with a "Hey Gaby, he really likes the record." He then politely excused himself so that he could get changed for the show. I chatted with Gaby for another 10 minutes before he had to leave about a number of topics including the upcoming Nerdcore documentary,"Nerdcore Rising", how well the current album is doing and how past shows went. Gaby was just as nice and as accommodating as Front was and even suggested that I email Baddd Spellah to tell him how much I enjoyed the beats on Front's album. For the record, I have done just that.

After the show, Front was back selling merchandise and posing for pictures. I complimented him on his awesome performance and my friend Joel snapped the following picture.

If you were to suggest that Front and yours truly were separated at birth, I would not deny it. I usually don't wear glasses except for when driving, but seeing how I was among my people, I felt comfortable enough wearing them. It's been a long time since I've felt comfortable wearing glasses. I even got complimented on my shirt by someone who said that they'd seen it online, and always wanted to buy it, but never were brave enough to actually wear it out. Apparently it takes a special kind of person to wear in public a shirt depicting a monkey milking a cow. I am just that special.

You've still got some time to see Front out on tour, and if you can, please do so. You'll be supporting a great artist and will be treated to an evening of fantastic live music in the process. Seems too easy, I know, but I checked, and there's just the right amount of ease involved.

Parenting Tips, Part Deux

Exciting things are afoot. Maybe. I don't want to get into it too much as I don't want to jinx it, and I don't know all of the details yet, but there's a possibility that my "work" may reach a larger audience. No, I'm not talking about plastering the neighborhood with copies of my stuff. As I said, I don't want to say too much, so I'll just choose to not say any more. It's cryptically delicious!

There was a pretty good response to my last post regarding parenting tips, so I've decided to supplement them with real world examples from our recent experiences.

On You and Wrongness
We're in the middle of potty training our daughter and it is not what I'd call a raging success. Half of the time we can catch her before she goes all over the place, but usually she'll sit there for 15 minutes, then get off and promptly pee all over herself. At this point she sees the potty nothing but a nuisance as it requires her to stop whatever she's doing every 15 minutes and try and go to the bathroom. Some days she sees this as more than a nuisance and gets downright pissed off. This is accompanied by a fair amount of crying. This is rare and only happens when she's tired, or in a bad mood. Ok, maybe it's not that rare, but it's not all the time either. My in-laws were in town this past weekend and my mother-in-law, who thinks that her granddaughter can do no wrong, seemed to think that us putting Abby on the toilet, when she didn't want to go was some form of psychological abuse. My mother-in-law called Linda on Monday and asked Linda if Linda thought that the potty training was, and I quote, "damaging Abby's psyche."

Once again, we are always wrong.

Here's the thing about young, toddler-age kids. They have it pretty damn easy. They have no job and no chores. They have all their meals provided to them free of charge and with no strings attached. They can eat like pigs with minimal social backlash and just crap in their pants whenever they want to, knowing full well that at some point, some adult will clean them up and send them on their merry way. Diapers these days have become so technologically advanced that they could carry a month's worth of water, to the point that the kid feels no discomfort when they go in them. Asking a kid who doesn't have to take the time to stop and go to the bathroom, to stop and go to the bathroom isn't going to damage their psyche, it's just going to annoy them. What will damage my daughter's psyche is her going to prom in a diaper.

We also recently moved her to a bed, and like most kids who are no longer confined to a crib, she gets down and out of bed and frolics in her room prior to going to bed. We're fine with that, as we went through similar experiences with my son, and continually going up and yelling at him to get into bed isn't particularly relaxing for anyone involved. Her room is childproofed and as long as she stays in bed once we tell her it's time to go to sleep, we're ok. The problem is that sometimes, after she's been told to go to sleep, she gets pretty damn upset. If, at this point, you thought that my daughter gets upset at a wide range of trivial matters, you would be entirely correct. After we told her to go to bed one time, and she started screaming, my mother-in-law asked us if we thought that leaving Abby's bedroom door open would be a solution to the screaming. Well, certainly it would, however it wouldn't get her to go to bed. See, when she pounds on the door, it's not because she's a budding percussionist. She wants to get out of the frakking room! Because Abby is crying, and her grandmother can't bear to hear it, whatever we're doing to cause the crying, even if it's perfectly legitimate like, oh, I don't know, putting her to bed, must be wrong.

Bollocks.

Sometimes, your child's crying is the only indication that you've gotten through to them. I'm not suggesting that you make them cry every time you want to make a point, but once she stopped crying, she fell asleep. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

Who knew you could ever be so wrong, so much and still be allowed to raise children? Truly we live in glorious times. I can't wait until my kids grow up and start raising their children in a completely wrong environment. Oh the times we'll have!