Monday, May 21, 2007

Business as Usual

Greetings friends! It's great to be back.

I was taken to task by a coworker today over the fact that it has been 10 days since my last post. My excuse of a vacation fell on deaf ears as he is well aware of my PDA phone with it's web browser and unlimited data plan. Truly the shape of my shame was laid bare. Mr. Stewart, this one is for you.

I have some things regarding my vacation to share with you, various tips and tricks, but first, some news on my burgeoning career as a freelance game reviewer. As we speak, the gears of commerce are slowly moving forward, stuffing the retail channels with the first game I will be reviewing. We will leave titles unspoken at this point, lest I speak out of turn, however my hopes are that you will be able to read the review for yourself in a short time. It would appear that, for the time being anyways, the 4 reviews I had planned between now and the end of June, have possible been cut down to two, due to difficulties obtaining games. I did not know this, but apparently, some companies are easy to get review copies from, and some are not. I am not so stupid as to mention those that aren't, however, I can say that one of them surprised me. I know that with spiraling game development costs, publishers can't be sending copies out willy-nilly, however I can't imagine that one copy given for review purposes would be the difference between a sequel and an abject failure. Also, is not a fly by night operation. When I receive a check, it will be signed by the fine folks at Mad Catz, makers of gaming peripherals for every conceivable system. Truly, these people are not interested in pissing off game publishers thereby shitting where they eat. Whatever ends up happening, know that soon my unbiased opinions will be available for all to read. More so than usual, that is.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, allow me to present you with the 5th grade classic, updated for the new millenium...

Things I Learned On My Summer Vacation

1. The ocean cares not for your golf course.
The beach we went to was bordered by a golf course, a golf course that is slowly being eaten away by the ocean. Sandbags were used to keep the water from surging forward and taking away the 18th hole's fairway support, however pieces of the golf course were still falling off onto the beach. Truly, Poseidon is not a fan of the sport.

2. Sandbags feel remarkably like angry sea creatures.
The sandbags used to keep the golf course from sinking into the briny depths, made their way down the beach, often times under the water. Finding these sandbags with one's foot resulted in squeals of horror, namely from myself, as I thought that I was stepping on a crab the size of a 5 lb sack of flour.

3. Not all beaches are the same.
Some beaches are filled with soft, warm sand, just right for digging your feet into, and feeling the warm, grainy goodness between your feet. Some beaches, like our beach, has high tide every 12 hours, thereby packing the sand down to concrete type hardness. This makes for nice walking, easy shell finding and good material for sand castles, however were you to play a game of beach football, you'd dislocate your shoulder on that spectacular diving catch.

4. Charleston, SC is filled with insanely attractive women.
If you are a woman and you live in Charleston, or, Lord help you, attend Charleston College, there's a pretty good chance you are attractive to the point of causing physical pain. When you think of American cities that are filled with attractive women, cities like Miami and Los Angeles come to mind. Charleston, not so much, but rest assured that I speak the truth, and this city is a haven for young, good looking women.

5. Charleston, SC is filled with bow ties.
It must be a southern thing, but a lot of guys wear suits with bow ties. This, coupled with the previous point makes the chances of even a remotely attractive person scoring a date in Charleston fairly high. Unless, of course, women in Charleston are into bow ties. Somehow, I find that hard to believe, unless you're speaking of the 95 year old members of the local "Daughters of the Confederacy" chapter.

6. Two year olds make shitty traveling companions.
It's nothing against them, they're just not built for travel. Well, my daughter isn't anyways. I remember taking my son to Chicago for Christmas when he was barely a year old. He managed to contract dual ear infections that couldn't have been pleasant, yet he wasn't nearly as cranky and deranged as my daughter was on this trip. Part of this is because she didn't nap in the day time, except for in the car, and part of this, I'm sure, was due to the change in surroundings. Thankfully, we were all able to joke about it. Well, all but my son, who, by the end of the week, was driven to hysterics by her incessant wailing. On the plus side, this is the last year she'll be two and next year we'll know to a) put them in separate rooms for sleeping and b) bring more liquor.

7. I am the table game king.
I was the only person in the vacation party to win at both Yahtzee and Uno. Truly this makes me a gaming god amongst mortals. They should be happy that Risk wasn't present, or I would have ground their spirits under my boot heel.

8. Small, local owned businesses are overrated.
We ate at several small, local owned business and while some were good, some were overpriced and with shitty services. That's not to say that chain restaurants offer unparalleled service and value, however going to the local sandwich shop is just as much of a crap shoot as to the quality of the meal and the service as stopping at your local Denny's.

9. I enjoy watching bowling.
I watched Classic Bowling every day on ESPN and have grown to enjoy watching bowling very, very much. That Danny Wiseman is a hoot. Classic is a relative term, as some of the matches were from 2 years ago, while some were from closer to 20. It was funny to see how much bowling had been turned into entertainment from the older matches until now. Truly, ESPN is closer to The Ocho than they realize.

10. Walking on the beach with someone you love absolutely makes a vacation.
Linda had planned this whole trip, and she stressed out over the whole thing, but in the end, it all worked out really, really well. Despite all of the little bumps and hitches in the trip, it was nice to spend a week with the family, nice to eat out a whole bunch and nice to walk on the beach with the woman I love. The aforementioned bowling was also nice, just not as nice as the beach thing. I mean, I like bowling, but not enough to get divorced over it.


Greg said...

God, I miss the beach.

Booster MPS said...

Bow tie - check.
Ticket to Charleston - check.

MQ said...

You make me wanna leave today! My husband wears bow ties to work every once in a while. He is the best dressed lawyer in his slacker office :)

Bones said...

What's a....vacation? I know not of what you speak.