Hawkeye

Our yard has been beset by Cooper's Hawks.

We hear them more than we see them as they are quite loud and quite vocal in their unhappiness when we let the dogs out thereby scaring them away from their perch on the swingset, the fence, or the porch roof as pictured. We've seen them eating something, but what we're not exactly quite sure. At one point I had to let the dogs out and there was a hawk on the ground eating something and a rabbit frozen in place about 4 feet from the hawk. Given that I was about to add two idiotic dogs into the mix, I was curious as to how it would all play out. In my mind, the rabbit bolted, in fear of the dogs, the hawk, not seeing the dogs, took down the rabbit and the dogs then took down the hawk. In reality, the hawk flew to the fence, the rabbit bolted across the yard and the dogs didn't even make it to the grass because they were too busy sniffing the grill. The hawk, realizing that the dogs were no danger to it, and that it had just missed out on a tasty meal of rabbit, looked at me as if to say "you suck". Eventually the dogs and I made it to the yard, but I was unable to determine what our feathered friend had been eating. We have a wide variety of lizards and snakes in our yard, so perhaps, with the rodent population having moved on in fear, they have turned to a diet with a more reptilian flair.

Not being one to let a unknown species muscle in on my territory, I set out to learn the ways of the wily hawk, so that I may better understand it and we may live in harmony. I found that there are a wide variety of Cooper's Hawks and am now prepared to share my findings with you. I should warn you though, ornithological humor is not my strong suit. It may get ugly.

Mini-Cooper's Hawk
The Mini-Cooper's Hawk is known for it's small size, increased maneuverability and distinct plumage of primary colors, covered in black stripes. While faster and more agile than other hawks, the Mini-Cooper is known for it's inability to carry more than the smallest prey and often times needs 8 or 10 trips to carry something no larger than a good sized beetle. The Mini-Cooper is also well known for it's annoying habit of using British words for everything, including "boot", "bonnet" and "Shropshire". The Mini-Cooper's Hawk is best seen in it's native environment of 6o's heist movie remakes.

Marissa Cooper's Hawk
This tall, blond colored hawk has recently been declared extinct after a brief 3 year sighting period. Vacuous, self-absorbed, and by all accounts, incapable of catching prey and eating, the Marissa Cooper's Hawk has been known to catch pool furniture in its talons and hurl said furniture into pools when agitated. Often seen in the company of the Grey Hooded Chino, the Marissa Cooper's Hawk was terminally incapable of finding suitable mates choosing instead to pick mates that were often times bad for them, but usually were just silly plot devices, with the exception of the time when she hooked up with that female bird which was actually kind of hot.

Caitlin Cooper's Hawk
In the same family as the Marissa Cooper's Hawk, early sightings of the Caitlin Cooper's Hawk reported an unattractive bird with a tendency to keep the company of horses. However after a number of years without being sighted, recently the Caitlin Cooper's Hawk has been sighted again, this time as a shorter, more attractive, but sluttier version of her "big sister" hawk. The Caitlin's Cooper Hawk is poised to fill the ecological niche vacated by the extinction of the Marissa Cooper's Hawk, however Mother Nature (also known as Fox) hasn't ordered a full slate of episodes so hopes for the continued success of this bird are not high. The Caitlin Cooper's Hawk is identified by its plaid patterned lower plumage, bare midriff and occasional joint.

Winnie Cooper's Hawk
The Winnie Cooper's Hawk was often sighted in the 80's but has since only been seen, on occasion, on college campuses. An attractive bird, with black head feathers, the Winnie Cooper's Hawk is more known for the type of bird watchers it attracts, namely lonely, freakish men looking to act out their prepubescent "first kiss" sex fantasies.

Anderson Cooper's Hawk
Known for its silvery head feathers and cry of "Accountability! Accountability!", the Anderson Cooper's Hawk has been sighted more recently since appearing at the Hurricane Katrina devastation. Oddly enough, this bird's cry was strangely silent at White House Press conferences prior to Katrina, instead choosing to hang out with Moles.

Ha! Wow. That was just awful. Well kids, it just goes to show you that many times, things are much, much funnier in your head than on paper. Ay carumba.