Ah, meetings, how I love them. This is a good thing as I spent 8 hours in one yesterday for training and over 4 hours in meetings today. So that you, my esteemed fans, could get greater insight into my mind, I decided to write down my thoughts as my mind wandered during my half day of meetings today. I should preface this with a story, so that you know what to look forward to.
When Linda and I were first dating and love was all new, and sunny, and covered in the dew of the fresh morning, she'd constantly ask me "What are you thinking." As I mentioned, our relationship was still new, so she had no idea that the worst thing I could possibly tell her is exactly what I was thinking. Not because I'm malicious, or was thinking of sex with supermodels, but because there's not a whole lot going on in my head at any given moment. We were driving in her car, and I was looking at how the tassel on my jacket was somewhat bent and its bending looked like a bunny. Again, not a lot going on in here. She asked me, "What are you thinking about" and I, in a rare moment of manly wisdom, decided to answer the question as honestly as possible. "I was thinking of how my jacket looks like a bunny," I responded. She kind of looked at me, and has never asked that question again. Score one for the little guy.
So, with that in mind, here are my thoughts from today's spate of meetings. You'll have to excuse the writing style, as my handwriting is atrocious. On the plus side, I appeared to be very attentive during these meetings.
It would be cool if I had claws like Wolverine...not sure if my forearms are big enough to hold them though...yeah, they're definitely too thin...that'd be weird...like Popeye...I bet that hurts when they pop out...then again, what the hell would I do with claws?...I can't just pop them out anywhere, and even if I could, what would I do with them?...Cut meat, maybe?...I dunno...I don't cut a lot of meat...now if it was like a swiss army knife, where I had different tools, that would be useful...that would probably hurt more though, like if a wrench came popping out...ouch...that wouldn't help too much either...I don't know how to fix anything...I should stick to claws...it would be cool if I had claws.
What the hell does that poster mean?...It's a small dude climbing up a huge thumbs down...what's that message, something about learning from mistakes?...how is the thumbs down a mistake?...who's hand is that anyways?...maybe the person who made the mistake cut off their own hand...that'd be a pretty big mistake...unless you planned on it anyways...but if that's the case, why is the hand as big as the house?...and why is that dude climbing on it?...and why does the climbing dude have a hat on?...maybe it's cold up on the big hand...I dunno, I don't think he's going to learn anything from climbing up there...that's kind of gross...they should stick to those posters with eagles rowing canoes and shit...that shit is inspiring.
I have a hair growing out of my earlobe...I should take care of that...no, wait, not here...that's gross...why do we have ear hair anyways?...I can't think that, from an evolutionary perspective, there would be an advantage to hairy ears...did parts of the early human population actually die from hairless ear syndrome?...I find that hard to believe...and if we're intelligently designed, why would you design us with ear hair?...especially when you consider that we don't have hair on our palms...that would make more sense...Linda says my hands are always cold...if I designed people, I'd make our skin bulletproof and some shit...I'd make our bones denser too so we could jump out of windows and stuff...no elevator? No problem, just jump out!...I'd make us without facial hair too...I hate shaving...man, this meeting sucks...what time is it?...10!...Another 2 hours?...Lovely.
No She Didn't
Wow...I can't believe she just said that...I'm glad I didn't say something that stupid, for once.
In the Jeans
Man, that dude can talk... I know now three synonyms for "understand"...he's like a thesauraus...that's impressive...are those Rocawear jeans?...damn...those are some nice pants...I'd probably look like an idiot in those...I bet they're expensive...I wonder if they're as nice as my Old Navy jeans...oh shit...these are the jeans with the hole in the crotch...I bet Jay-Z don't make no jeans with a hole in the crotch...thank heavens for long t-shirts.
I should make sure that's the actual go-live date...I sure sounded convincing though...ah, he'll never check.
Damn...this is a nice pen...those Sprint people make nice pens...I should hold on to this one...then again, I say that about all my pens...I don't understand how I can lose so many pens...I don't go anywhere...I certainly don't take notes when I go places...I don't really even need a pen...pen...pen...pen...that's a silly word...it looks like I can refill this one when it runs out...I'll probably lose it by then...I should ask Linda to steal me some more...pen...pen...pennity...pen...ha...that's fun.