Friday, January 20, 2006

New Year's Resolutions

Well here we are, with the first on-schedule post. Woo-hoo! We've got a 100% success rate. Maybe I should quit after this post and go out on top, before the crushing weight of failure snuffs my spirit from existance. Out, our brief candle! Thou art brief. And, um, candle-y.

I know it's late for resolutions for the new year, but I've been very busy shooting Nazis in Call of Duty 2 and now I'm trying to liberate Earth from the Combine in Half-Life 2 so excuse me if I put aside my own personal betterment for the sake of freedom. Yeah, I thought so.

As a rule, I don't do resolutions so these may not be your traditional "I'm going to stop beating my kids" resolutions. For the record, I have no intentions of stopping the beatings. It's the only thing keeping those monsters in line.

Stop Being So Goddamned Awesome
I am just a supremely amazing human being and sometimes it's offputting for those that are just meeting me. They don't come right out and say it, but I can tell that the sheer brilliance of my personality only lengthens the shadow of their own inferiority. I try, I really do, to make them feel as if they have some sort of chance to achieve the level of superawesomeness that I've achieved, but truthfully, I think they see it for the fallacy that it really is. It's not my fault I'm so neato keen. Just the luck of the draw, I guess. But, I'm tired of people avoiding me, presumably because I rock so hard, so I'm going to try and tone it down a notch and be more like those that should be groveling at my feet as I claim my rightful seat of Lord and Master of All Creation.

Smoke More
No, not weed you stoner bastard, although I haven't rolled in a fatty in well, never. Anyways, I hold smoked meat on a pedestal that is usually reserved for revered dieties. The process of smoking meat is one of science and art, careful monitoring of temperatures, liberal amounts of spices and slathers, copious amounts of malt beverages. It is truly the hobby of the blessed. It is also a hobby for those with lots of time on their hands as a pork butt doesn't turn into deliciously tender pulled pork with a wave of one's hand. Since moving to GA, I've smoked twice. Once I did a brisket that was pretty damn good and recently I did some pork butts that were so good, I question the sanity of the individual who does not eat precious little piggly-wigglies. I also have not been grilling, which is a shame, because my mad culinary skillz shine brightest in front of the Weber Genesis Silver B. My meat wrapped in meat recipe is one for the ages. So, with these shortcomings in mind, I resolve to smoke once at least once a month. Be it ribs, chicken, meatloaf, pulled pork, brisket, hell even a bucket of peanuts, they shall all fall to the smoke and flame. I'm also going to try and grill more and reclaim my throne as Lord of the Flames.

Obtain Super Powers
I have wanted super powers since I was a wee lad, and now that we're going on close to 26 years in this quest, it's become a tad ridiculous. I mean, come on people, how hard is it to bestow me with powers beyond those of mortal men? I've tried dousing myself with chemicals in hope that an errant lightning bolt will merge me with the Speed Force, but all that's happened is that I've grown 5 extra nipples. Actually, I had grown six, but the irradiated spider bite took care of one of them. In my quest for powers I have decided that I have to be a little more picky with my abilities. As a child, I wanted to be Spider-Man, however now that I live in the suburbs, web slinging is an impractical mode of transportation. Being the Human Torch would be cool. There are countless times when, sitting in a boring meeting, I've wanted to say "You know what? Fuck this. FLAME ON!!", burst into flame, burned through the window and took off, soaring into the sky, cackling with glee. However, without the proper flame retardant suit, those powers could be potentially embarassing for someone as out of shape as myself. Plus, and here's the important thing, any power that brings the watchful eye of our government on me will most likely result in me being stuck in some eastern European prison as they try to harvest my DNA to create super-soldiers. So crime fighting is definitely out. Adamantium claws would be cool, but other than opening cans, probably not all that useful. I think I'd like either mind control, so that I could convince my boss that I actually did show up for work or the ability to stop time so that I could boost shit from stores. Noble goals, I know.

Watch More Movies That I Own
At last count, I have 160 DVD's, not counting tv shows on DVD. This is just movies and concerts. Since bringing them into my home, I've watched 100 of them. That means that there are 60 DVD's (more when you factor in the TV shows) that have been purchased, opened and put on the shelf without even visiting the player. Oh sure, I've seen Bring it On and About A Boy at least a half dozen times each, but perhaps I should spend some time with some of the other movies. So, I'm going to start watching movies, or TV shows when I usually play games. Not too much, maybe a movie a week, but enough to use my kick ass home theater for something other than Geometry Wars.

Post More
Hopefully the schedule will take care of this one. If not, then I'll have to turn this blog into the premiere repository of hamster porn. Rowr!


Asphyxiate said...

I can't get into geometry wars. Hexic, however.... OOhlala.

(actually it's Kim)

Anonymous said...

noble goals all, to be sure - but how about restoring Bon Jovi to their former rock god status?

suburbanjoe said...

Bon Jovi will take care of himself. He Who Has Rocked A Million Faces can only rock a million more. Nay, a trillion more.

MQ said...


You crack me up. I notice that other commenters do not say how funny you are, but having a husband deployed to Iraq ( who happens to be home on leave right now, and got a good laugh from this entry as well) I don't laugh a lot. You are doing a service to your country. YOU are a GREAT AMERICAN :P LOL

Oh, and your resolutions are excellent, unique and clearly well thought out. But remember, don't bite off more of that smoked flesh than you can chew. The key to success is realistic goals with specific dates of achieving them.