Monday, January 30, 2006

Ape Escape

Diary of Jack Driscoll

(Editor's Note - Jack Driscoll is the unfortunate playright hired to accompany the cast and crew to Skull Island where they have a run-in with a rather large monkey. Their story is told in a recent art house movie called King Kong. Perhaps you've heard of it. Said story is also told in a game called Peter Jackson's King Kong: The Official Game of the Movie , a game that takes about as long to play as it does to speak the title. This diary is a recollection of Jack's encounters while on Skull Island, as we see in the game. How we got it, I don't know. I tend not to ask too many questions as it only gets me into trouble when I have to take the stand.)

Day 1
Well here we are, beautiful Skull Island. The trip was OK, and mostly uneventful except for the part where I got nailed with a rock in the rowboat. Ouch. Head trauma aside, I'm not so sure about these people I'm traveling with. I don't know how to explain it, but when they talk, their mouths don't match up. I'm not speaking in metaphors here, their mouths literally don't move to match the words they're saying. Weird. Maybe that rock hit me harder than I thought. Plus, and I'm sure this is just me being picky, but I thought we were supposed to be in a glorious new age. If that's the case, nobody told these people because they look like shit. I'm sure I look fine, but without a mirror, it's hard to tell. My hands look wonderful, that much I can tell you.
...
5 minutes on the island and we've already been attacked by giant crabs. My traveling companions weren't much help. I hope they understand that I'm a playwrite, not the great white hunter. If I have to kill everything on this trip, it's going to be a short trip.
...
Our pilot can't land, which doesn't bode well for the trip. He's been able to drop supply crates everywhere, which is good, I guess. Man, they sure brought a lot of guns along on this trip. I'm beginning to think that answering that ad in the newspaper wasn't such a good idea. Limitless earning potential my ass.
...
Managed to burn some brush away to clear a path. Apparantly, I'm the only person here who can wield a burning spear as the other 3 just stood around barking orders at me like I'm their lapdog. Then, once we moved along and all got attacked by giant millipedes it was all "Jack save me!", "Jack where are you?" "Jack, it's eating my liver!" Jesus people, try to do something by yourself. When I get back home, the union is going to hear about this.
...
Man, Skull Island is dark! Most of the time I can barely see anything, and then, when I get bitten by something (which happens a lot), my vision goes all dark, things slow down and I hear angels. The music is nice, but when it gets dark like that, it makes it hard to hit whatever is trying to digest me. I can only assume this is a side affect of the blow to the head I took earlier. Sometimes, when things are really dark, everything gets a lot brighter, but washed out, as if some benevolent being somehow adjusted the world to be brighter. Not being an idiot, I use these time to figure out where the hell I'm going, but once I do, the affect mysteriously fades. I think I have a concussion or something.
...
For a portly guy, Denham can really move. This is doubly impressive because he's got that camera on his back. Once he sees where he wants to go, he's off like a shot. Ann too, and Hayes now that I think of it. Maybe they're all on something.
...
OK, now this is really weird. I was following a path that led into a valley. Ann was climbing the rocks to meet me there. I wasn't paying attention to what she was doing, because frankly she's very annoying, but I could hear her grunting away so I just assumed she was making progress. Well, I get to the valley and she's still grunting, grunting, grunting. I look up at the rocks to find her and she was climbing up into the sky. I'm serious. She was floating in the air. I looked away, and when I looked back, she was gone, but I could still hear her grunting. I found a ladder that would get me to the door lever, but I had a horrible rope climbing incident in PE as a child and ever since then, I can't climb ladders, ropes, really anything vertical. Just as I was standing there trying to figure out what the hell to do, I blacked out. When I came to, we were all standing there, Ann included as if I had never gone into the valley. This time I paid attention to Ann and shot a millipede that was trying to eat her. She then met me in the valley and opened the door for me. I think we're all being worked a little too hard to get things wrapped up for Denham's movie. I can't think of any other explanation.
...
More blackouts. Sometimes I really feel like I'm on Skull Island, like I'm a part of the whole thing, then I black out and I swear I see the word "Loading", whatever that means, and some other words that foreshadow what ends up happening. It tends to break the spell that Skull Island weaves. It's probably a tumor.

Day 2
Ann's gone. A big monkey took her. Yeah, I know. Looks like we won't be getting out of here any time soon.
...
Met up with Hayes. Man, he's bossy. The worst part about it, is he doesn't even pay attention. He's all like "Jack, you have to burn the bushes." So I do, the bushes are on fire and everything and again he's telling me to burn the bushes. So now the bushes are completely gone, and I'm walking up the path and he's telling me to burn the goddamned bushes. Jesus man, open your eyes! Denham isn't any better, in fact he's worse. I swear, I don't know what kind of cologne that guy uses but every creature on this island tries to eat that guy and it's up to me to keep them off of him. I knew I should have taken that job writing soap commercials.
...
Sorry I haven't written in a while but I've been pretty busy. Here's what I've been doing for the past few hours. Walk into a clearing, spear/shoot some dinosaurs, find some fire, burn some bushes, find a lever, open a door, walk to the next clearing. Occasionally I'll have to spear a grub or a big bug and throw it to get the swarming spider off of said lever. Good times. That Ann better be very appreciative of what I'm doing to rescue her, if you know what I mean. Very appreciative.
...
I blacked out again, and this time I dreamt that I was the monkey that took Ann. It was pretty cool to swing around and beat on other monsters, but just as I was getting into it, it was over. Based on our experiences, I don't think Denham should call his movie King Kong, I think he should call it "Spearing Monsters and Burning Bushes in a Very Dark Jungle". Catchy!
...
More monsters. More spearing. More burning bushes. Is it possible to be bored when one's life is constantly in danger? Allow me to answer. Yes, yes it is.
...
I don't think I've ever seen so many crates with so many sniper rifles. Next job I'm hired for, I'm going to ask how many sniper rifles they have laying about. If it's more than three, I ain't taking the job.
...
We found Jimmy. Man, that kid is annoying. All he does is whine. Of course, when we get on the rafts in the river, I'm stuck with him while Denham and Hayes are on the other raft. Once again, they're just bossing me around the whole time. Yes, Hayes, I know I have to burn the bridges. That's why they're on fire.
...
Had another blackout where I thought I was Kong. He fought some big V-Rex beast things. He seems to live the same repetetive life we're living at the moment. Beat up on some beasties, lift a pillar, break a door, wait for Ann to burn some brush, swing to the next clearing, beat up on some beasties, blah, blah, blah. He is a giant monkey, so I'm not sure what I'm expecting him to do, but Denham better hope that Kong does something other than this, because people won't stick around for it. I heard that Denham wants his movie to be 3 hours long. 3 hours long! A 3 hour King Kong movie? That's absurd!

Day 3
We got Ann back. Had another strange blackout. I got attacked by the V-Rex I was trying to distract while Ann opened the door, and when I came to, there was this horrible roaring in my ears that didn't subside even when I had another one of those weird Loading blackout thingies. This is starting to really bother me. I slept for a couple of hours and that seemed to fix it. As soon as we get back to civilization, I'm going to the doctor for my head and to the gym to learn how to climb a ladder. Let Ann distract the dinosaurs while I open the door. I mean, seriously.
...
Ann is gone. Again. We got trapped and she had to call Kong. Great idea except for the fact that he's not in love with the rest of us so he took her and just left us to die. Nice! Denham is gone too, which I'm OK with. His mouth movement were really starting to freak me out.
...
The pilot managed to land, which was good, except for the part where Jimmy got on the plane and they fucking left me here. Hayes was busy being eaten by something. Good riddance I say. Now it's up to me to find Ann and get back to the boat. Whatever. Next time a millipede wants to takes a chunk out of my leg, I may just let it. Hayes certainly looked happier.
...
We're leaving! Finally! After hooking up with Ann again and then losing her, I managed to make it down to the beach in time to see her and Kong come crashing through the trees. They gassed the crap out of him and he passed out. Denham wants to take him back to New York. Can you believe it? As if this whole trip wasn't bad enough, now we have to share the boat with a giant, stinking ape. Lovely. Dibbs on Hayes's suite. He won't be using it.

Two Weeks Later
Well, that was a disaster. Denham put up this big show, to unveil Kong and Kong managed to escape. He did a pretty good job of tearing up the joint, throwing cars and busting up stoplights. Eventually he grabbed Ann and climbed the Empire State Building where he was promptly shot down by planes. Oh well. I know I'm supposed to feel bad for Kong, but I didn't spend a lot of time with him. That was Ann's thing. Plus, after he dies, Denham said some sappy crap about it being beauty that killed the beast and his mouth didn't move at all. It just gaped open. Kind of hard to feel bad about a big dead monkey when a guy in tux and tails stands there, mouth agape, trying to wax philosophical. Frankly I'm just glad the whole trip is over. This is the last time I take a job based on the advice of someone who's high. Fucking Brits.

5 comments:

Bones said...

So.....you liked it? ;)

k o w said...

I don't know... I want to play it but now I'm thinking... bananas.

suburbanjoe said...

I can assure you that this shit is certainly not bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

Capt Crash 31 said...

Im not sure about this game either

Asphyxiate said...

Listen guys. All you need to do is do what I did. Get your wisdom teeth out, get all hopped up on percocet and demerol and play this game in 1 day. You'll miss all the weirdness and have a whole lot of fun.