So my wife has to travel in May for a team meeting. Her team is all over the US and her manager figured it would be a good idea to have everyone together for a meeting, an odd choice given that the team is being restructured away from her. Good to see that in these troubled economic times companies still can find a way to waste massive amounts of both money and their employees' time.
To prepare for the meeting, they sent out a series of "Icebreaker" questions that will be used to do what, I don't know. I mean, knowing what some of these people consider to be their favorite movie won't address the various issues facing the team and unless your first car was a unicorn or equipped with a flux capacitor, I don't see how the answer to that question is going to spark any meaningful interactions. If anything, it'd go like this:
"What was your first car?"
"Chevy Impala. You?"
Insert awkward silence.
Linda hates these stupid exercises as much as I do, so she sent me the questions in the hope that I could help her come up with wise-ass answers. Truly she is playing to my strengths. So, for your enjoyment, I now present my answers to the ice breaker questions.
My first car was a (make and model)
As we were poor and couldn't afford most modern conveniences, my first car was a gray mare named Pebbles. Oh the fun Pebbles and I would have riding across the countryside. That is, until school started. Children can be cruel and soon their harsh words rang out as they derided me for not having a car. Oh how they would laugh and laugh, that is until All Hallow's Eve when Pebbles and I trampled them to death in Potter's Field. Who's laughing now, children? WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?!
My favorite restaurant is
I don't eat out. Do you know how much rat shit is in most restaurant food these days? I mean, it's disgusting. Like that salad you're eating right now? It's probably bathed in, fucking festooned with rat shit. The rats probably had an orgy in the lettuce bin. Hey, you gonna eat those croutons?
The magazines I subscribe to are
Juggs, Man Heat, Anal Escapades, Hot Dirty Hamsters, Putting It Where It Don't Belong, Barely Legal, Cock Breath and Country Living
My favorite movie(s) is/are
As long as the theatre is dark enough so that no one can see me take my pants off, I really don't care what the movie is.
My favorite book(s) is/are
That's a toss up between the Bible and the US Tax code. I think now would be a perfect time to speak to you about both at length. Have you been saved and/or itemized your deductions?
The book that is currently on my nightstand is
Used as a prop to hide my Glock. Motherfuckers best be ready to get tore up if they be fittin' to step to my house.
If I had time off to do anything I wanted I would
I would travel to the far reaches of this planet, catalouging all of the world's many species. I would be tireless in my quest to show the people of this planet all of the world's beautiful forms of life. Every bird, every insect, every mammal big and small would be found in my tireless quest. Then I would kill them and eat them, preferably all at once.
My favorite candy bar or candy is
My father was a dentist, so candy was strictly forbidden. To this day I can't see a Snickers and not relive the horrible beatings I had at his hand. Easter of '83 was particularly brutal. Still, I wouldn't turn down a Payday.
If I could be any cartoon character I would be
Remember that episode of GI Joe where that big blob creature escaped and was destroying the city and members of GI Joe remembered that apple seeds contain a tiny amount of poison so they flew over the creature and dropped apples on it until it was dead? Well, I'd want to be that blob creature because it combines my love of apples and wanton destruction.
My favorite beverage is
Sweet, sweet liquor
One of my favorite childhood memories is
Losing my virginity to your mom.
I bet you would never guess that I
Watch you sleep at night.
If I won an unlimited shopping spree to any store I would pick
Walgreen's. With the amount of meth I cook, I go through a lot of cold medicine. Hoo-boy!
One of my most embarrassing moments was when
I wore white after Labor Day to a work picnic. Luckily I had the shotgun in the car. Those fuckers will never criticize my pantsuit again.
The thing that I never seem to be able to throw away is
My victims' fingernails.
My last meal would be
The warden's jugular.
If you want to make me angry, just
Keep on talking.