Monday, September 11, 2006

This is the Monday Port

Forgive the lack of a clever title. My clever title subscription just ran out

It is an odd thing to think that September 11th was 5 years ago. A lot has happened since then, however I can still remember sitting at my kitchen table with Linda, eating KFC and listening to fighter jets scream over Dulles airport, not 5 minutes from our house. As if the jets weren't strange enough, they were the only planes in the sky, an oddity, given that we lived 5 minutes from an airport. Add to that, some of the terrorists boarded at Dulles and the oddity of it all is nigh insurmountable.

I'd like to say that the sweeping changes in our nation's policies have made us better prepared to deal with a disaster of similar magnitude, but Katrina cleared that notion up for us. How convenient that the one year anniversary of Katrina is so close to the anniversary of 9-11, so that we can see how woefully underprepared we still are. That's not to say that I think another attack will happen, I honestly have no idea. The combined intelligence forces have disrupted enough plots to make me think they're on top of their collective games, but at the same time, plots keep coming up for the various agencies to thwart. Nothing I can do, so I guess I'll just keep doing what I've been doing and live my life the way I've been living it, with nothing but paranoia and massive distrust for all I meet. Kidding.

Now that I've been at work a week, I find I'm fitting in quite well. Everyone is very nice and they expect you to get in there, get up to speed quickly and get to work. I can live with that. I'm having a bit of hard time understanding how all of the various parts of the product come together, but I'm sure in time it'll all come to me. I have joined their bowling league and today purchased shoes for this express purpose as a cost savings device. Imagine sneakers, but with felt on the soles and you have bowling shoes. A shirt has also been acquired. Not a bowling shirt per se, but one of close enough composition and color to have its intent understood. I only spent 7 dollars on it, so don't worry that I'm bankrupting my children's future so that I can dress in accordance with local bowling customs. I'm just trying to do my best to enjoy myself before I hit the lanes and make an utter fool of myself.

At the end of the 4 week league, I get my own ball, custom drilled for my fingers and fit to my palm to be my own, personal instrument of destruction. I have named it Pinslayer and will use it to cut a swath of devastation across any alley I come across. For now I shall limit it to bowling alleys, however there may come a time when I use it to thwart misdeeds in alleys of all sorts. Evildoers, beware, for the day of your reckoning is nigh, and it comes in the form of a 7-10 split.

My work environment has also rekindled my desire to acquire Nerf weaponry. I was originally inspired by this comic as reading it brought back pleasant memories of a time when a man and his Nerf Arrowstorm would rain foam hellfire down upon any who would dare oppose him. Ask those who used to work with me and they will tell you stories of a man who ruled all he saw with only his wits and his Arrowstorm to defend his holdings. Since then, I have worked at a few places, none of which seemed open to the idea of foam weaponry, but I believe a new day has dawned and the call to dart arms has gone out. It is imperative that I arm myself again, and the Maverick is just weapon for the job. While it doesn't have the stopping power, nor the intimidating presence of the Arrowstorm, I feel it's smaller profile and suction cup darts are better suited to my current workplace. Plus, best to not scare people off at this early point in my career. Undoubtedly my purchasing of such a weapon will spark an arms race and it is at that point I can pull out the heavy weaponry. There's no need to show all of my cards now, or some similar meaning poker reference.

I am dissappointed that the Maverick is not a semi-automatic weapon as the need to crank and fire keeps me from dual wielding effectively As a child of both Dungeons and Dragons and Bruce Willis movies, having each of my hands wrapped around cold, unforgiving steel is a notion as comforting as Christmas morning. I have heard that one can make modifications to increase the yield of their Nerf weaponry, however that is a level of dedication I am uncomfortable engaging in. Rest assured it also voids your warranty. For now, one weapon per person will have to suffice, but I will consider the Dremel as an appropriate course of action should the need to go John Woo on someone's ass arises. I shall keep you appraised of events as they unfold.


Greg said...

Pinslayer, eh? Nice. Ever seen the movie Mystery Men? Brings to mind images of Janeane Garofalo's character.

I never had that Nerf gun, but I still have my trusty weapon at home in a drawer. Haven't carried that to work in a while. I do have friends back in Connecticut who are in the midst of a Nerf arms race. I wonder how my rubber band gun would fare against teh Nerf. I can hold about ten shots in mine, so mayhap I would have an edge.

suburbanjoe said...

I have seen Mystery Men, but it was some time ago. I remember her being a bowler, but that's about it. I also remember a lot of sequined costumes, but that may be something else.

Your sidearm seems up to the task, however I question the effectiveness over large distances. Short range would definitely give you the edge as a point blank rubber band hurts like hell. Long range though would be much floppier. Perhaps a duel is in order.

Greg said...

The best thing about that rubber band gun is that it has a decent range (10-15 feet) but somehow it hurts way less than if you were shooting a rubber band with your hand.

And you need to watch Mystery Men again. Ben Stiller, Hank Azaria, William H Macy, Greg Kinnear and freaking Pee Wee Herman.