Friday, September 16, 2005

Meet the Parents

Dear Abby,

OK, already I'm thinking we need to rethink this whole name thing. After all, I don't want to feel like I'm writing to an advice column every time I want to talk to you. Either that or I'll have to rethink my salutation. "Greetings dearest Abby" or perhaps "Salutations fair daughter". Whatever. We'll deal with that once you can actually read.

So, how's Russia? How's the hospital? Have they let you see sunlight yet? No? Huh. Well, I'm sure they will soon, and if not, we'll be coming to get you soon and here in America, we have tons of sunlight. Well, no more than any other longitudinally similar place on the Earth, but our sunlight now has extra Calcium! OK, that's a lie too. Do you still have your dolly? When you come home, you'll have a bunch more, including your great grandmother, as her name is also Dolly. We'd appreciate it if you didn't try and stick her in your mouth, but then again, she may not notice. She's getting up there in years. We still have your chickens and will bring them with us when we come to bring you home. I know it probably seemed mean to bring you this bounty of playful farm animals only to cruelly remove them from your grasp. This was the first in many decisions where we have to keep the big picture in mind, at the expense of whatever it is you actually want. Had we left the chickens with you, most likely they'd end up with some other kid, and we can't have that. Screw those other underpriviliged children! Kidding. No, we want to make sure you had them for the long trip home, which is why we took them. Plus, and please don't be offended by this, they really stank after spending multiple hours in your mouth, so they needed a bath.

I thought this would be a good opportunity to introduce you to the rest of the family and let you get to know your mother and brother and I a little better. I know that it's confusing getting thrown into this new family and can be quite disorienting, but keep in mind that we're good people and we love you very much already. On with the introductions.

Real name: Linda
Age: 32
Occupation: Technical Writer
Likes: her family, Tom Welling, Pizza flavored Combos
Dislikes: Whining, cooked tomatoes, the fact that she isn't retired

Your mother is a fantastic person. I've known her for 14 years now and she never ceases to amaze me. She's a lot of fun to be with, is very accomodating, but isn't afraid to bring the hammer down when needed. She's the more nuturing of the two of us, being more apt to give you a hug when some imagined slight has been brought against your person, and then tell you to get over it, whereas I just tell you to rub some dirt on it and carry on. She's also the one who will sing happy birthday with you over and over and over and over while on a walk. I don't do public singing. Her areas of expertise around the house include laundry, washing dishes, vacuuming, dusting, picking out furniture and managing your daily experience be it in regards to needed immunizations or keeping track of Yellow Shirt Day and Bring A Dead Fish to School Day at daycare. She is also way hot, something which I'm sure grosses you out despite you not knowing what that means.

Real Name: Brandon
Age: 33
Occupation: Quality Assurance Engineer
Likes: Video games, comic book characters, tattoos, tattos of comic book characters, comic book video games, meat
Dislikes: Whining (sense a trend here?), the state of the country, fish

I can't say whether or not I'm fantastic, because that would be somewhat conceited. Well, that and I think I'm pretty normal. I didn't do so well adjusting to the whole kid thing when we brought your brother home, but I'm much better now. I tend to be the sterner one between your mother and I, but am learning to lighten up. At the same time, when your brother comes in crying because the floor assaulted him, I'm usually not going to be all that sympathetic. The floor has been nothing nice to me since I've known it. I'm responsible for cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning the basement, mowing the lawn, cooking, menu planning, paying the bills, research on home electronic purchases and your general sports/music/movie education. This last part is particularly important as your mother would have you believe that Pearl Jam is not the greatest band in rock today, which makes her a dirty liar. I think you'll see that we've divided up our responsibilities pretty well and you would do well to not ask us to mix skill sets. Just as you would not want to ask your mother to make you anything more complex than a sandwich, you're not going to want to accept my assurances that you are, in fact, protected from Polio.

The most important thing I can tell you about your mother and me, is that we love each other very, very much. We are the best of friends, and have been for a very long time now. You might think we like each other more than we like you and your brother. Let's just say that it's a different kind of like and leave it at that so as to not cause any bad feelings. I will say that come time for college, I'll be glad to have the two of you out of the house, while I'll want her still with me. After all, these pants won't clean themselves. Kidding!

Real Name: Ben
Age: 2, soon to be 3
Occupation: toddler
Likes: Music, yogurt, getting his way, ordering people around
Dislikes: varies depending on the time of day, not getting his way, the dogs coming remotely close to anything he has even a passing interest in

Your brother is a very good kid. He is also adopted from Russia, so when you're teens and need something other than a hatred of your mother and me to bond over, you can bond over your common heritage. We brought Ben home when he was 7 months old and although he was much bigger for his age than you are for your's, once he got home, he really took off. He is a good natured, even tempered kid who rarely gives us any troubles outside of the usual toddler activities. I can't say this behavior will continue once we bring you home as he's quite happy being the center of attention, so don't take it personally if he seems to hate you. It's all temporary. He enjoys talking about pretty much everything, so while I'm sure you'll be able to pick up English from him, good luck actually using it. He already knows who you are, and appears to be excited about you coming home, but he also thinks that the coasters make a sandwich, so it's hard to tell.

Along with the three of us, you have two dogs that will probably annoy you as they annoy your brother. For the most part they're OK, but once they're gone, don't even bother asking for another one cause it ain't gonna happen. You also have a bunch of grandparents and an aunt and uncle or two. Our's is not a big family, and you and your brother are pretty much it for young kids, so while there won't be any other kids to play with at family gatherings, there also isn't anyone else to dilute the very important grandparental gift giving fundage. Welcome to America, where the dollar is king.

Hopefully this gives you some idea as to the family you're coming home to. I think we're a good one, and I would say that the other folks in here with me would agree. I know that we all love you already and we can't wait to have you home.

See you soon.


PS - Just because I like video games, it doesn't mean you get to play them, so don't get any bright ideas.


Asphyxiate said...

Great post. I give it 4 years before they're both wasting you at Halo X. Much love to your soon to be expanding family from DC!

Ben and Abby, I don't really asphyxiate things. I'm just a bald guy :)

k o w said...

That was absolutley wonderful.

Capt Crash 31 said...

very nice post !!

MQ said...


LSG said...

That was TOTALLY and incredibly sweet. :) I feel all warm and fuzzy now.