A Party in the USA

Yeah I've been gone. Now I'm back. At least I think I am. Is anyone still here? Hopefully. Time will tell.

So yeah, I love pop music. Not enough to buy it, mind you as the joy of pop music is how ephemeral it is which usually means that in a year you'll listen to it and think "why in God's name did I ever like that?" Still a good pop song is enough to slightly lift my spirits before they sink back into the morass of hatred that they're usually mired in. We listen to a lot of pop music in the house as for young kids The Beatles may be a more musically educational choice, but pop music is much more fun. I'm sorry, it just is. And while I know that one's musical diet can't all be pop rocks and Cherry Coke, it can't all be bran muffins and broccoli either. Hence the pop music.

One song that I have heard about a bazillion times in the past month is "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus. It's an odd song, it is and for my much lauded return from self-imposed exile, I have chosen to bring my critical eye to bear on it. This comes mostly from the fact that not only can I not get this song out of my head, but whenever I hear the song, I ask myself these questions leading to the song and my stupid questions being stuck in my head. So now I'm giving both to you. Lucky you.

Before we get started though, I have to ask, is she auto-tuned on this song or is she naturally that nasally? Neither seems all that great, but one should always strive to be natural, so I guess I'd choose the latter over the former. Not that she's looking for my approval mind you, but I have an opinion and this is the internet so by gum I'm going to share it.

Ok, here we go. Lyrics in text, commentary in italics.

I hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan
Welcome to the land of fame, excess, whoa am I gotta fit in?

Ok, why she feels the need to tell us that she has a sweater with her is beyond me. She must get cold on planes like my wife does. I find it interesting that she's worried about "fitting in" in LA. Fitting in in LA means doing lines of blow in the ladies room before going down on some third rate casting agent in hopes of scoring an uncredited walk-on part in "Crank 3: The Crankiest" so this seems like an odd thing to be concerned about.

Jumped in the cab, here I am for the first time

Look to my right, and I see the Hollywood sign

You'd need to either a) have unnaturally (for LA) clear skies, b) hover about 100 feet off of the ground or c) be able to see through solid objects to see the Hollywood sign from LAX. Most likely she saw a sign for Hollywood Taxi Service or Hollywood Dry Cleaning and isn't smart enough to know that it's not the real Hollywood sign. Either that or she's Hawkwoman.

This is all so crazy, everybody seems so famous

People at LAX do not seem famous, they seem frustrated and upset because LAX is a fucking pit and it's damn near impossible to get around the fucking place. Plus, I can assure you that famous people are not getting around LAX the same way little miss Nashville hayseed in the song would. No doubt Miley is used to being paraded around with her entourage and just assumes that this is how the common folk travel.

My tummy's turnin' and I'm feelin' kinda homesick
Too much pressure and I'm nervous
That's when the taxi man turned on the radio

No one can explain to me what she's feeling nervous about or feeling pressured about. She doesn't do anything in the song. No audition, no try outs, nothing. She basically got off of a plane and hailed a cab. What the hell is there to be nervous about? And taxi man? When have you ever heard a cab driver called a taxi man. It's almost as if she's never been in a taxi in her life and as such, has no idea what to call the driver.

And the Jay-Z song was on
And the Jay-Z song was on
And the Jay-Z song was on

This is the musical equivalent of "some of my best friends are black". Note that it's not a Jay-Z song, but the Jay-Z song. I don' t know what the definitive Jay-Z song would be, but my vote goes for "Jigga That Nigga" which is not exactly something you'd play in a cab if looking for a good tip. Besides, most cabbies in LA are going to be playing Armenian folk tunes or Al-Jazeera Radio or some shit.

So I put my hands up, they're playin' my song
The butterflies fly away

Again, why is she nervous? And really, you're going to raise the roof in a cab?

I'm noddin' my head like "Yeah!"
Movin' my hips like "Yeah!"

If she's moving her hips in a cab I can only assume that she has accepted the inevitability of the situation and has started turning tricks in the back seat.

Got my hands up, they're playin' my song
And now I'm gonna be okay
Yeah! It's a party in the USA!
Yeah! It's a party in the USA!

Being from a country music family, Miley realizes that the best way to get airtime is to lace your song with as much jingoistic bullshit as humanly possible which is why she feels the need to explain to the listener that Los Angeles is actually part of the United States and while she doesn't agree with 99% of the commie pinko bastards that live in California, she is still in the USA. At a party. A party in the USA. If she doesn't mention the US it's a good chance that Toby Keith will show up and punch her in the ovaries.

Get to the club in my taxi cab
Everybody's lookin' at me now
Like "Who's that chick that's rockin' kicks
She's gotta be from out of town"

Christ, where to begin. Ok, so first thing she does when arriving in LA is go to a club? What the hell is she here for again? Second of all, Los Angeles is home to some of the premiere sneaker boutiques in the world. I'm pretty sure no one is going to think twice about someone wearing sneakers. Third, "rocking kicks"? Who the fuck calls sneakers "kicks"? My dad, that's who and he thinks everything is neat. Or is this one of those cases where a term is so old and stupid that it's come back around to being cool again? Neat!

So hard with my girls not around me
It's definitely not a Nashville party

That would be because you aren't in Nashville. Try and keep up.

'Cause all I see are stilettos
I guess I never got the memo

On the one hand, this line ties into the usual teen angst comprised mostly of self centered feelings of persecution. I'm the only one who can't do this or go here or whatever. Poor Miley is the only person who didn't know to wear stilettos to the club. On the other hand, she did just fly in from Nashville so if there was a memo about LA club footware, there is a pretty good chance that she didn't get it. Might I suggest the LA Club Footware Google Group?

My tummy's turnin' and I'm feelin' kinda homesick
Too much pressure and I'm nervous
That's when the DJ dropped my favorite tune

And the Britney song was on
And the Britney song was on
And the Britney song was on

This is the most interesting part of the song. Britney is one of the more "first name only" recognizeable stars, so it makes sense to name drop her, but at the same time, there are parallels between Miley and Britney. Both are from the south, both got their starts on Disney shows, both have questionable vocal talent steeped in an overly nasal delivery. Is this a sign that Miley sees her charted course not much different than Ms. Spears' and will soon marry a back-up dancer, get pregnant like nine times and then go on a crotch flashing spree across Los Angeles or does she just really like "Womanizer"? Let's hope it's the latter.

So I put my hands up, they're playin' my song
The butterflies fly away
I'm noddin' my head like "Yeah!"
Movin' my hips like "Yeah!"

Got my hands up, they're playin' my song
And now I'm gonna be okay
Yeah! It's a party in the USA!
Yeah! It's a party in the USA!

Stay thy hand Toby Keith!

Feel like hoppin' on a flight, on a flight
Back to my hometown tonight, town tonight

Jesus Christ kid, you just got here. No one likes a quitter.

Something stops me every time, every time
The DJ plays my song and I feel alright

Now I can certainly attest to having emotional upswings tied to particularly good music, but if you're tying your major life decisions to the whims of the DJ, especially in the face of today's shitty corporate radio landscape, well you may be in for a tough time. On the other hand, if her favorite song is "I've Got A Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas there's a pretty good chance that she'll be dead of natural causes before it drops out of rotation.

So I put my hands up, they're playin' my song
The butterflies fly away
I'm noddin' my head like "Yeah!"
Movin' my hips like "Yeah!"

Got my hands up, they're playin' my song
And now I'm gonna be okay
Yeah! It's a party in the USA!
Yeah! It's a party in the USA!

Yes, yes, we know. Hips, hands, party, USA. Toby Keith is pleased. You can keep on living. For now.

As much as I rag on the song, I really do enjoy it. I can only hope that it replaces "Born in the USA" in the various GOP functions for while I always chuckled to hear an incredibly scathing comdemnation of the US used for Republican shin-digs, I'll laugh harder watching Newt Gingrich move his hips like "yeah". Then I'll probably throw up.