With today I celebrate 37 glorious years on this fine planet, or should I say, the planet celebrates 37 glorious years of having me around? I'm loathe to post about my birthday as it could seem like I'm just fishing for birthday wishes which is not the case. What I'm fishing for is presents, so pay up you fucking deadbeats.
Ahem. Any way, birthdays are a great time to reflect on all that you've accomplished and all that still remains to be accomplished, so here's a list of things I'm surprised that I have at 37, and things I'm surprised that I don't. Consider it my birthday gift to you.
Things I'm Surprised I Have at 37
1.) A House In Georgia
Seriously, Georgia? When I was growing up, I knew nothing about Atlanta other than it was hot, and it was a city. Actually, I'm not even sure that I knew it was a city. The fact is, I never, in a million years, considered that one day I'd be living here and that I'd actually enjoy it. Life sure takes you interesting places at times. Except for Paramus. If you're life has taken you there, your life blows.
2.) Four Tattoos
When I was a kid, you only got a tattoo if you were in a biker gang or on shore leave. Tattoo parlors were seedy joints filled with people who would just as soon kill you as ink you. It's amazing how perceptions have changed of tattoos now, including my own. It is absolutely true that once you get one, it's hard to stop, and I'm currently planning on my fifth, which, by all accounts will probably be Dr. Monkey. I'm well aware that this means I have switched over from "tattoos should mean something to you" to "get whatever the hell you want". Then again, Dr. Monkey does mean a lot to me. He knows what you did, and he is not pleased with it, much like myself.
3.) Multiple Game Consoles.
Growing up, I knew nothing about video games. I mean nothing. I didn't have an NES or Sega or whatever. It wasn't because we couldn't afford it or anything, I simply didn't know about them. After my parents got divorced, my dad got an Atari, and I remember playing games on it, but I also remember thinking that it looked like shit and if that big block shooting a little block was supposed to be a tank, well, they got it completely wrong. Given how much I game, and that I'm paid to give my opinion on games, I consider myself somewhat less of a gamer because I didn't spend hours on Mario Brothers, or Mega Man. Oh well, I'm sure as hell making up for it now, and last time I checked, I'm not getting paid any less for my ignorance.
4.) Basic Cake Baking Skills
Baking has always been the bane of my existence. In retrospect, I'm not sure why, as baking more suits my nature as you have to be very precise with the instructions, lest everything fall apart, and I excel at following directions. It's when you have to improvise that my failures as a cook show through. I spent a year ago making cakes all year and now I think I've amassed enough skill to make a pretty decent cakes. I said I'd spend this year doing the same thing but with pies, as I fear the home made pie crust, but so far, I've done dick. Oh well. My waistline certainly is happier for it.
Things I'm Surprised That I Don't Have at 37
1.) A Pig
When I was a kid, I wanted a pig as a pet, and this was before the pot-bellied pig craze that left as soon as it arrived. Pigs have always been my favorite animal, and when I was a kid, I wanted a pig. Oh the fun we would have, my pig and me. We'd go for walks, and play in the yard and sleep in the same bed. My pig would be my very best friend. Then I would eat him. It's hard to argue the merits of a pet you can eat.
2.) Super Powers
Seriously, what the fuck? For a kid who used to look out the window during car trips and imagine himself webslinging alongside the car, a lack of super powers is particularly galling. You have no idea how many found sticks I used to tap on the ground, waiting for that strike of lightning that would transform me into Thor, god of thunder. I'm still waiting, and still tapping. At this point, I'd take anything, claws, mind control, eye beams, wings, superhuman senses, anything. Some would say that I just have to reconcile myself with living a normal human life, but to them I say, when I get eye beams, your ass is getting vaporized first.
3.) A Career As a Criminal Psychologist
I always wanted to be the dude that would do the profiling, the guy they'd bring in to get into the mind of the killer. My mom even bought me a subscription to Psychology Today. I'm not sure what changed my mind but it was either seeing how much work is involved in such a thing, or seeing too many movies where the guy brought in to get into the killer's head goes insane and ends up killing people himself. It's hard to say. Probably that first one though as the notion of going on an insane killing spree is nothing compared to obtaining a doctorate.
4.) A Kid Who Likes Transformer
What's not to like about Transformers? They're robots that turn into cars! Sometimes they turn into gorillas or planets! I mean, who wouldn't like that? My son, that's who. I mean, he seems to enjoy Legos and Star Wars which is a small comfort, but come on! It's Optimus Fucking Prime! Oh well. It certainly makes toy hunting easier as he doesn't ask for anything because he knows he doesn't like them. There's still hope for my daughter, but at the same time, I don't think I can afford to support two habits, and she doesn't exactly take no for an answer well, so I'll just cultivate in her a love of dirt. Or air. Or anything else that I don't have to pay for.
All in all, I think the haves way outweigh the have nots and I can't say for one minute that I'm at all disappointed in my life. Far from it. I am, however disappointed in you people for your distinct lack of gifts. You still have time though. I hear that Target has mind control powers on sale this week.