Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Most. Boring. Post. Ever.

So, back before the holidays, Greg tagged me with an internet chain mail thingy that tasked me to describe, in detail, seven interesting things about myself that few, if any people knew about. I was then supposed to tag seven bloggers that I knew so that they could do the same thing.

There are two problems with this particular situation, namely that I don't know seven people who blog that I'm comfortable tagging and, more importantly, I can't think of seven interesting things about myself that no one knows about. The problem there is not the "that no one knows about" part but the "seven interesting things" part. I mean, I am, quite seriously, one of the most boring people on the planet. I don't think that's a bad thing, as I'm quite happy with my life, but it certainly doesn't lend itself to writing long, interesting posts about one's activities.

As boring as I am, I'm certainly not one to turn down an opportunity to have something to write about so I'm here to turn this tag on it's ear and instead write the seven most ponderously dull things about myself. Insomniacs of the world rejoice, you're about to get served up a gigantically dull serving of sleepy time helper.

Greg, I'm so sorry.

Boring Item #1: I don't like bananas.
Seriously. Bananas are gross. When Gwen Stefani said "that shit is bananas" she was right, as the two share equal footing as unappetizing food items in my mind. It's not the flavor, it's the texture. Bananas have a disgusting texture, the very thought of which makes me want to gag. For some reason, I equate the texture of bananas with that of human brains, which makes my eventual zombification a win-win as far as I'm concerned. Either my unyielding, ravenous hunger for tasty brain flesh proves the impetus to finally overcome such a crippling texture aversion, or I can't get past my issues and I become the world's least threatening, and by extension, most boring zombie. Why my status as one of the shambling undead should be any different than my status as one of the shambling living is beyond me, so I'm voting for option number two.

Boring Item #2: I eat the same thing for breakfast every day.
Well, every week day that is. Yep, the same thing. One cup of All-Bran with Strawberries and 80z of skim milk. Even my breakfast is boring. Granted, compared to like Shredded Wheat, this is the culinary equivalent of snowboarding naked with one's hair on fire, but compared to most breakfasts, it's pretty fucking tame. Tame, lame, take your pick. Despite my overwhelming love of food, I can very quickly, and happily get into a rut about certain meals. For most of my school going career, I ate the same lunch every day: one peanut butter sandwich, three chocolate chip cookies, a granola bar, an apple and a cran-apple juice box. The granola bar would change, but that's about it. As for breakfast, I like it, it's easy to make and it gives me all of the fiber an old coot like myself needs. Oh sure, I have dreams of getting other things for breakfast, but as I'm lazy and easily guiltable, along with boring, I usually don't. Technically my tales of boring ass breakfasts and school lunches counts as two boring items, but you're not getting off that easy. Oh, no. Not by a long shot.

Boring Item #3: Upon coming home, I don't take my shoes off until I get in my pajamas.
This particular item of soul crushing tedium bugs my wife to no end. I don't know why, but for some reason, I won't take my shoes off until I get into my pajamas, an event that doesn't take place until the kids are in bed, or about to be in bed. Well, I know why. For me, the kids going to bed means that my day is pretty much over. Nothing left but some quality time with the wife and some quality time with the gaming console of my choosing. By the time the kids go to bed, all of the heavy lifting has been done, and it's time to take the shoes off. Silly, I know, and incredibly boring, but hey, that's me in a nutshell.

Boring Item #4: Even my job is incredibly boring.
Now, I'm not saying that I have a bad job. I have a great job. I work at a fantastic company, with great people, many of which I have become good friends with, and I am compensated well for my work, however none of that changes the fact that my job is boring. I test software for the mortgage industry. On any given day, I'm tasked with making sure things like "attribute value sets" and "lookup list dependencies" are working as they're supposed to. You may not know what those things are, but they don't sound interesting, do they? There are plenty of jobs where you can dress up boring tasks with interesting sounding names. Not this one. It is as boring as it sounds. Are mortgages important? Oh, sure. Are they interesting? Not so much. In fact, the only thing remotely interesting about my job is the fact that because it's directly tied to the mortgage industry, I may not have it next year. When the most exciting thing about your job is the prospect of losing it, you've got problems.

Boring Item #5: I don't like leaving the country.
I have left this country on five occasions. The first was a cruise to the Caribbean and Mexico with Linda. Occasions two through five were to go to Russia for the purpose of adopting our two kids. In all cases, I hated leaving the country. Granted, the cruise was a work cruise, so there were a lot of incredibly boring meetings but still. Also, it's not like the areas of Russia we visited were the most gorgeous places on Earth, but again, we both hated pretty much every minute of it. I like America. I am comfortable in America. I know how it smells, how people will treat me, what they're saying and how things like ketchup and Coca-Cola will taste. I don't want to smell new people, or not drink new water or find out that in Prague, a pepperoni pizza tastes like roasted iguana. I just don't. That's not to say that I won't visit other parts of this world, far from it, but when I do, I'm pretty sure I'll prefer to be home where I don't have to worry about everything tasting like pepper.

Boring Item #6: I am incredibly rigid.
You wouldn't know it about me, but when it comes to lots of things in my life, I'm quite rigid. For example, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday I get coffee in the morning at the QuikTrip. The day's don't change, the QT doesn't change and the coffee doesn't change. Five shots of cinnamon-hazelnut flavored creamer and the italian dark roast coffee, every day, a buck thirty-eight and I'm out of there. Every Tuesday and Thursday I make my own coffee to bring to work. Sure, I'll change up what coffee I make, but it's always Tuesday and Thursday. Saturday morning I always make the same kind of coffee, Sunday morning too. During the workday, I always have my morning snack at 10AM, lunch at noon and my afternoon snack and soda at 2. This is partly to keep the metabolism going all day, but also because it's my pattern. My soda is either a Vanilla Coke Zero or a Cherry Coke Zero. If it's 1:55 and I want a soda, I won't drink it. I'll wait. Sure, I can take some variation, but I like the schedule. I find it soothing. This is why games like GTA: San Andreas fill me with dread. The freedom is terrifying.

Boring Item #7: One of my greatest accomplishments is perfecting my pepperoni pizza recipe for Linda.
Every Friday night is pizza night at our home. I make one pizza that I split between Ben and myself and a pepperoni pizza for Linda. Over the months, I have perfected her pizza so that it is at the pinnacle of pepperoni pizza perfection. First I had to learn how to do the sauce just right so that there weren't chunks of tomatoes in it. Then I had to find the right cheese, a blend of cheeses, not just straight up mozzarella. Then I had to add crushed red pepper to the cheese before putting on the pepperoni. Finally, I learned that a sprinkle of cheese on top of the pepperoni allowed for a nice crust of melted cheese and pepperoni grease to form on top of the pizza. This is all without even mentioning how long to cook the crust, which rack, when to move, and so on and so on. The end result is one damn fine pepperoni pizza, and I'm not even a big fan of pepperoni pizza. I don't do a lot of interesting things, I don't do a lot of exciting things, so the fact that I can make a good pepperoni pizza for my wife is one of the best things I've been able to do. Boring as that might be, I'm completely ok with that.

I'm sure I could find more boring things to go on about, but that's seven and I'm not going to torture you any longer. I'm boring. That's pretty much it. I'm probably more boring than you, and that's just fine. Even if it wasn't, I don't see it changing, and the only thing I have in abundance more than unintersting qualities is abject apathy, so not only am I boring, but I really don't care. Maybe my next post can be the seven things I'm apathetic about. Oooh, exciting.


Bones said...

You know I want one of those pizzas now, right? It's not even 8am as I type this, and I'm craving pizza.

Greg said...

I'm glad that you're still in your mortgage-related job. My Linda's construction-related job is essentially at a dead stop right now. Hopefully things have bottomed out and can go only up.

I'm going to eat a banana now.

Booster MPS said...

Dude I am so jonesing for that pizza recipe right about now.