The Book of Dad

Greetings. Sorry for the long time between posts. Much like Stella, I am working on getting my groove back. It is a work in progress.

Anyone with small children knows that parenting is 50% common sense and 50% saying 5 or 6 phrases over and over and over again. Most of the time, I think that a cardboard cutout of me and a tape recorder could do the same job I'm doing while at the same time freeing me up to play Ratchet and Clank. I'm assuming that when your kids are older you have to listen to them and deal with their problems, or at least feign interest, but for the toddler/young child set, it's basically just telling them for the 15th time to stop playing on the goddamn furniture.

This morning for some reason, I delivered one of my pearls of wisdom to my daughter as if it were from the Bible. I don't know why. Last night I rapped "Mama Said Knock You Out" while I gave her a bath. I'm a strange cat. Anyways, while I don't think the message got through any better than when I just say it like it is, it was fun for me and the momentary look of confusion on both kids' faces was worth it. If you haven't confused or upset your kid at some point in the day, you're not doing your job as a parent correctly. I prefaced my statement with "A reading from the Book of Dad" which gave it the gravitas I felt my words deserved. For your enjoyment I have compiled these nuggets of wisdom so that you may use them with your own children, starting with the one I delivered this morning. Enjoy.

"For lo, a hunger did fall upon the land, and this hunger was called morning. The children who ate their dinner the night before were happy, while those that were banished from the table for misbehaviour had empty stomachs, and their mouth did taste like ash."

"Dirty hands shall touch no dinner. Crying mouths shall taste no snack."

"Why dost thou not use thy words? Were thou not raised as a man? Does a man not speak? A child who speaks in tears and wailing will not receive help, for their parents can not understand them. Rejoice, for thou have been given the gift of speech! Use this gift and all shall be delivered unto you."

"The child who raises his hands in anger shall be banished to his room. And his sole companion shall be hunger."

"And the child did play on the furniture and a fall was taken. The child, seeking sympathy for his injury met only with rebuke for he had been told that the furniture was forbidden. And lo, his tears dried as tracks of shame upon his face."

"Thy pants are not a napkin, nor is thy sleeve nor thy hand nor the furniture nor the dog."

"Pick not thy nose, lest a booger be delivered unto you."

"And the child did ask 'Father, why can we not listen to our music in the car?' And the Father replied, 'Child, one day you shall have a job and with that job you shall have money and with that money you shall have a car. On that day, you may listen to whatever music you like. Today you have no job so you have no money so you have no car so we shall listen to My Chemical Romance.' And they did. And it was good."

"And the child who asked nicely was rewarded while the child who did not was given only shame."

"The magic word is please and please is the magic word."

"Listen to thy parents for thy parents hold the keys to the kingdom. When thy parents give thee a task, do not make them ask you again and again, for your only reward shall be righteous anger."

"Do not take toys from thy siblings or thy toys will be taken from thee and thou shall have only shame to play with."

"And the child did cry for no reason. And soon, a reason was delivered unto them."

I particularly like that last one. I think it'd make a good shirt. You know you've made it when one of your phrases makes it on the chests of aging hipsters and emo kids everywhere.