Monday, March 13, 2006

For the Want of Friendly Indicators...

This first part has nothing to do with gaming, but I thought it was funny. I bought a Kit Kat today, as it's my favorite candy bar, and the wrapped exclaimed "Now! Twice the Crisp!" There was also an asterisk pointing you to the disclaimer "as previous Kit Kat". I would think that disclaimer would be implied, as I wouldn't expect the Kit Kat people to be able to speak to the crispiness of non Kit Kat things like horses or your grandmother. I would love to see someone get into the label factory and mess up the disclaimer so that it said something like "as a dead wolverine" or "as your throbbing love muscle". I'd find that last one kind of hard to believe, because my love muscle is way crisp.

This Friday I spent a considerable amount of time playing Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter. Much fun was had by all, however the initial matches caused some confusion due to our host deciding to not turn on indicators that would allow you to know who to, and more importantly, who not to shoot. I have taken this experience and framed it in a compelling narrative. Our players are Sgt. Andrews, Private Davis and Private Jackson. All names have been changed to protect the innocent. Also, I have no idea what the rank structure is in the Army, or if the Ghost Recon people are even in the Army, or instead in some souped up offshoot of the Coast Guard.

The setting: a war torn land near you. Sgt. Andrews and Private Davis are awaiting the arrival of the rest of their squad as they begin carrying out their mission to neutralize the other team.

Davis: Sir, there's something wrong with my HUD sir!
Andrews: What is is Private?
Davis: My friendly indicators aren't working sir. I don't know who to shoot at.
Andrews: Your HUD is fine son. I turned the indicators off.
Davis: But sir, how will we know who to shoot, sir?
Andrews: They're wearing gray camo.
Davis: We're wearing gray camo, sir.
Andrews: Yes, but their camo is dark gray. Our's is light gray.
Davis: It's nighttime, sir.
Andrews: And?
Davis: And it's raining, sir.
Andrews: Then use your night vision son!
Davis: Then everyone will be white, sir.
Andrews: You'll figure it out.
Jackson: Private Jackson reporting for du--
Andrews: AAAHHHH!!! (BRRAAAPPPP!!!) Got you, you enemy son of a bitch!
Davis: That was Jackson, sir.
Andrews: Who's Jackson?
Davis: He's on our team, sir. Note the light gray camo.
Andrews: Huh.
Davis: *sigh* No matter, sir. Once he respawns he'll make his way over here.
Andrews: ...
Davis: Sir?
Andrews: ...
Davis: You turned off respawns, didn't you, sir?
Andrews: They're a crutch!
Davis: Permission to speak freely, sir?
Andrews: Are you going to say somehing bad?
Davis: Most likely, yes.
Andrews: Denied. Wait? What's that? They're here! Quick, get on the ground with me behind this rock!
Davis: Kill me now.
Andrews: (WHACK!)
Davis: Why are you hitting the wall with your head sir?
Andrews: (WHACK!) I'm (WHACK!) trying (WHACK!) to (WHACK!) peek (WHACK!) up (WHACK!) from (WHACK!) behind (WHACK!) cover. (WHACK!) Ow.
Davis: That's the single player game sir. This is multiplayer. In multiplayer, if you push up on the control stick when behind cover, you'll just -
Andrews: (WHACK!)
Davis: - hit your head, sir.
Andrews: Huh. Hey! What's that thing up there?
Davis: That's their drone, sir.
Andrews: What does it do?
Davis: It tells them that we're right here, not moving, and ripe for the taking, sir.
Andrews: Huh. Where's our drone?
Davis: You sent it out for pizza and they shot it down, sir.
Andrews: Right. 10 million dollars, and they can't program it to find a Papa John's. Damn those D.O.D. Poindexters!
Davis: Yes sir. Look, sir, they'll be right on top of us any moment now. We should think about moving out.
Andrews: Look! There's someone else from our squad! Sean! Hey, Sean! Hey, stop shooting at me, I'm on your team!
Davis: He isn't on our team, sir?
Andrews: Sure he is, Private! Look at his dark gray cam- (BLAM!)

Gripping stuff! Remember kids, if you want to be sure who to shoot, be sure to turn on friendly indicators. Don't worry about enemy indicators, because those are for pussies. Until next time, ready up and move out!


Asphyxiate said...

It's not often you can type LOL and actually mean it, but this post had me in fits. Primarily because I was the host from hell, but it's damn funny. Very Pratchett-esque, n'est-ce pas?

suburbanjoe said...

I'm glad you liked it. I kid because I love. ;)

k o w said...

Well done, bravo!

Silver said...

Luckily I have several large map cabinets in front on me, because I was literally cracking up, trying not to laugh behind them, hoping my coworkers wouldn't notice.

That was so eff'n hilarious!