Go Rampage, It's Your Birthday

Oh the feelings of excitement that Soundwave must have felt when he got the call from Megatron to return to his rightful place at Megatron's side. As it turns out, Megatron wasn't in need of Soundwave's highly specialized listening skills. No, they just needed some tunes.

Even Rampage is getting his groove on, although it is a wee bit hard to make out from this picture. Now that I've called a ceasefire, our disguised, robotic friends have no way to work off all of their extra energy. Perhaps they have learned to settle their differences through the universal language of dance. Perhaps they know that Jetfire is coming and they want to get down with their bad selves before the party gets crashed by the resident scientist. Who needs a wet blanket Poindexter ruining all the fun anyways?

In other news, I saw Downshift when I was out and about today and couldn't resist. Between his very badass pseudo-muscle car mode, his rocket launchers, and his vaguely ninja-like appearance, I felt he'd make a good addition to the other toys. Plus, he has this claw thing that pops out of the front of him. Good times. Now that I have another Autobot, I need another Decepticon to bring balance. I think I'll go with the version of Skywarp that comes from the same toy line as it doesn't require me to buy Ultra Magnus with him and he's not just a repaint of a toy I already have. Now I just have to find him, which is kind of funny as I've seen him everywhere during my searches for Jetfire, so now I'm sure I won't ever see him again.

I have completed my first three bowling lessons and I think they're starting to pay off. Today I bowled in the 150's, in the 120's and in the 130's. Before my lessons, the low score in a day's outing would be in the 20's, not the 120's, so clearly we're turning a corner. There's still a lot of work to do, as picking up spares isn't exactly my strong suit, but I feel like I'm getting somewhere. I'm sure I'll descend back into the depths of mediocrity come our league game tomorrow, but for one brief shining moment, I looked like someone who kind of knew what they were doing. At this point, I'm not asking for much more. Reach for the stars, I always say.

Be sure to come back Friday when I spin the tale of one man's journey through the wilds of the craft universe with only some construction paper, some glue and a 4 year old at his side. Stay tuned!

Gametastic

It's been a while since I've rapped about games to ye, well, rapped about anything in fact, but that's besides the point. Today it's all about the gaming.

Well, not quite. Despite weeks and weeks of searching, I have been unable to find Jetfire, despite various accounts of sightings from like minded toy hunters. As much as I enjoy spending my lunch time searching in an ever expanding circle of retail establishments, I have caved and ordered the toy online, from Wal-Mart of all places. I do not wish to disparage those that shop at Wal-Mart, however I will say that I'm a Target person and just leave it at that. This is clearly a situation where the toy must be served, and in order to do that, we must shop in places we find less than ideal. I mean, for chrissakes, they had him labeled as a Decepticon. Jeez. At any rate, I should have him soon, and when I do, we shall sing and dance all the live long day.

In a quest to obtain Crackdown solely through trades, we have been burning the midnight gaming oil at the homestead. I am now prepared to issue judgement on a number of titles. I apologize if I end up repeating things I've already written about, but I don't feel like going through old posts, and really, what else do you have to do?

Red Steel (Wii) - Somewhere out there is a game that shows how good the Wii will be with first person shooters. This game ain't it. The controls were ok, except for the part where you had to turn the volume of the Wiimote speaker all the way down lest your aiming reticle jump around like a seizure victim. The zooming in for sniping was absolutely awful as the Wii doesn't exactly excel at determining changes in the Wiimote's distance from the sensor bar, and you zoomed in by pushing the remote towards the screen. The sword fighting controls were somewhat unresponsive and the whole idea of gunning down rooms full of bad guys with your submachine gun just to then pull out your sword to fight someone with a baseball bat was silly. To top it off, I hit an issue in the game that gave me the choice of either starting the entire mission over, or calling it quits and trading it in. I chose the latter.

Elebits (Wii) - An interesting concept and nice, bright visuals however the game play was very repetitive and the voice acting was so horrible that it made small mammals bleed from the ears. I know others enjoyed this one, but there just wasn't enough to make me want to keep playing.

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (Wii) - While not the best Zelda ever, that's still Ocarina for me, this is one of the best games I've played in a very long time. The art direction was particularly impressive and very easily bests all other entries in the series. Some of the horseback stuff got a little annoying, but the beast form mechanics were integrated nicely and the expanded repetoire of sword moves was a nice addition. Boss battles weren't too difficult, in fact the only time I ever died in the game was when I fell off a ledge or something, however what the final bosses lack in difficulty they make up for in length. You better pack a lunch when going up against these guys. Speaking of boss battles, your very last battle is a straight up sword fight against Ganon, which was a nice addition to the usual "use every item you found in the game" kind of fight we're used to. While the ending wasn't as dramatic as Wind Waker's ending, it was still immensely satisfying and left me with that familar mix of joy and sadness that I get when finishing a Zelda game. I can't recommend this game enough for veteran Zelda players and folks new to the series.

Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando (PS2) - I always find it odd that when folks talk about the big, PS3 exclusive franchises, they consistently fail to mention the Ratchet and Clank series. These games are easily, some of the funniest, best written games you'll play on any console. The action is equally well done with massive guns, huge explosions, tough enemies and a nice mix of platforming and straight up destruction. When the next one comes out, I'll be horribly, horribly jealous that I won't be able to play it. Guess I'll just hold off on playing "Up Your Arsenal" and use that to soothe my jealous soul.

Transformers (PS2) - Not a bad title, I just didn't have it in me to "catch 'em all". I like Pokemon and I like the Transformers, but if they're going to be combined, I want it to be a situation where I throw a Pokeball and Metroplex comes out and stomps the shit out of Squirtle, not me playing as a Transformer on a quest to collect and subjugate other, lesser Transformers. Plus, the ending movie, with the fireworks display was dumb.

Gears of War (360) - Technically I haven't finished this game as Joel and I are still rocking the co-op on Insane, but I did play through it on hardcore and had a fantastic time. When all is said and done, this will be the first game that I a) played through co-op and b) played through multiple times at different difficulty levels. It's such a different game when played with another sentient being that it warrants an additional playthrough. The change in difficulty also forces you to use different weapons and different strategies, thereby making it a different game as well as developing skills that are beyond mad and safely exist in the realm of the furious.

Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney: And Justice For All (DS) - I'm almost done with this one. Well, truth be told, I'm on the last case, which, like the first entry on the DS was as long as all of the other cases combined, so in actuality, I'm about half way done. If you like the Phoenix Wright games, you'll like this one and if you don't like 'em, there's nothing here to change your mind. I fall in the former camp, so I'm in judicial heaven right now. After this I plan on picking up Hotel Dusk so I can continue my DS adventuring in earnest.

As you can see, I've been quite busy and I don't see it letting up any time soon. Crackdown is proving to be as much fun as the demo, even more so as my destructive powers have surpassed the levels achieved in the demo. There is something immensely satisfying with standing your ground as a tow truck bears down on, only for it to then be turned aside with a kick of your incredibly strong, genetically modified leg. I usually follow up these actions with either dropping a grenade on the overturned vehicle, flambeeing the occupants in the process, or I bring the weight of my titanic kicks onto the fleeing gang members, disposing them in the process. Shooting is fun too, but right not I'm getting my kicks through kicks. Last night I tried to scale the Agency tower, however she is a harsh and unyielding mistress, and I was unsuccessful. I shall return and conquer her at a later date.

SSX Blur comes out tomorrow or Wednesday with Tiger Woods for the Wii shortly afterwards. I'm surprised and vaguely unsettled with all of the attention EA has focused on the Wii. For now, I'll take my titles and be happy with them, however I am prepared to combat what ever dark designs they have for my happy little, white box.

Finally, this past weekend Linda and I were paid a visit by Bones and his lovely wife Cathy. We had a fantastic time, which was nice as, up until that point, Bones existed only in the world of Teh Intraweb and could have been a homicidal maniac or a maurading android bent on world domination. He may still be, but at least now I can tell the police that he seemed like a nice guy. It is so easy, in these days of instant communication and virtual gatherings of like minded people to feel as if someone you are speaking with would be cool to hang out with, only to find out that they're so completely not, that you start to assume that the people you meet online are best left there. It's nice to be proven otherwise.

Behold, My Iron Clad Will!

The toy hunt continues in earnest. Thanks to my frantic checking of Gmail, I was able to read the notification from Toys R Us in regards to the reissue of the G1 Soundwave, and order one before they ran out. Actually, I ordered two and managed to snag my manager into my web of toy neurosis. A week or so later, Soundwave arrived and he's everything I remembered him to be, just...smaller. He is a reissue in every sense of the word, right down to the "1983" copyright date stamped in his battery area. He even came with the original decals so that you could make him even spiffier.

His transformation is pretty simple, not at all like the complex rituals of mechanical tomfoolery that come along with the new classics series. I mean, I'm a smart guy. I have a couple degrees and everything, yet I still can't transform Grimlock from memory. Soundwave is child's play by comparison except for his legs, which stick a bit and always make me think that I'm going to turn him into a double amputee every time I transform him into his oh-so imposing microcassette recorder. Speaking of which, I know that at a kid, I didn't think twice about him being a microcassette player, and not a full sized tape player, but now I find it kind of odd. I mean, I know that were he a full sized tape player, the tapes would transform into birds and jaguars bigger than Soundwave himself, further screwing the Transformers' already messed up sense of scale, however I find it hard to believe that there was a significant number of 10 year olds who were both robot fans and reporters in training.

I was also surprised to see that he had a belt clip. This made me laugh at the idea of some kid clipping Soundwave to his belt and strutting to school thinking that he was 100% Hot Shit, a real playa with his very own homicidal robot attached to his hip. Then I shuddered in horror as I considered the very possible idea that I was Johnny Hot Shit. I certainly don't remember skipping to school with a Decepticon on my belt, however it could be that the merciless mocking of my peers drove the memories deep into my subconscious. If that's the case, I'm oooookay with it. That's a memory that needs to stay buried.

I'm still hunting for Jetfire and despite reading of sightings in the general Atlanta area, my little corner of the world is still Jetfire free. I finally saw the Ultra Magnus - Skywarp two pack at Target today, which gives me hope that soon Jetfire will show up. The two pack is certainly cool, and getting both for 20 bucks saves you 10 big ones, but I just can't pay for them knowing that they're exactly the same as Optimus and Starscream just with different paint jobs. I guess this means that I haven't gone entirely around the toy bend yet. I expect whatever remaining willpower I have will evaporate completely when the Transformer movie toys drop as I've seen pictures and they're damn cool. All of the Autobots look like badasses, even Bumblebee and while I'm not a big fan of Megatron being some kind of jet/spaceship thing, Barricade looks awesome and Blackout is a massive helicopter, so you know, everybody wins. The movie toys drop June 2nd-ish, so if you see lines forming at Toys R Us, Target and/or Wal-Mart at that time, you now know why.

I finished the Transformers game on the PS2, or, rather, I finished being interested in the Transformers game. It's not that it wasn't any good, there just wasn't enough there to keep my interest. Plus, every time your autobot got knocked to the ground, there was this really annoying animation that took forever, and by the time you recovered from it, every enemy robot in the area was all over your metallic ass. Instead of playing through the game, I busted out the cheat code to unlock all of the extras, some of which were PSA's from the original cartoon. Some of them were the usual PSA fare, things like don't run away from home and make sure you wear bright clothing when riding bikes at night. Then it got strange. First, some young lads were sailing and right after the "cool" kid went on about how he didn't need a lifejacket, the skipper of their vessel cheerily swung the sail around, clocked the kid on the head and knocked his ass into the water. The best part was how completely and utterly clueless the skipper was to the fact that he may have just killed one of his crew members. Thankfully Seaspray showed up in the nick of time, and despite his speech impediment, was able to convey how important it is to wear a life jacket.

After this PSA, we were entertained by the story of two youngsters out looking for a good time, who decided to supplement their night's activities with a little grand theft auto. The first car they tried to steal ended up being Tracks, but unfortunately our Autobot friend didn't deal with the two thieves by dispensing some Autobotian justice and instead gave them a lecture about not stealing cars. The best part was at the end, when the one kid says "Now I know!" as if to say that, up until this point, he was completely oblivious to the laws of the nation he'd been living in for the past 17 years and thought it was perfectly acceptable to steal cars. I wonder what the next PSA was. Perhaps Skids counsels some youths on why they shouldn't push old ladies in front of subway cars. Thanks Skids, now we know! Ah, the halcyon days of my youth, when the lessons of morality could all be summed up in a 30 second spot from huge, transforming robots or highly specialized, trained killers. Let's see the Backyardigans take out an APC with a rocket launcher.

School Daze

Last night I attended a registration seminar for my son's daycare to learn about the differences between the daycare's private Pre-K and Georgia funded public Pre-K offerings. As he's already in daycare there, we already knew which one we were going to go with, however they didn't give out the registration packets until after the hour long ordeal was over, so I ended up being subjected to their propaganda anyway. I felt the explanations of what each program offered was a little one sided, however that may be because I was hungry and tired and wanted go get home in time to play some Transformers on the PS2 before watching TV. Realizing this, I have typed up the comparison information they gave us in the interest of letting you read it and decide for yourselves. Oh how I love an elaborate setup.

Greetings and thank you for attending our Pre-K registration seminar. This packet of information will explain the differences between our private Pre-K offering and our Georgia funded Pre-K offering that, by law, we have to let anyone into. Both offerings will prepare your child for the rigors of Kindergarten and beyond so whichever program you choose, rest assured that your child is getting the best education possible. (Note: Some educations are more best than others.)

This packet is structured to explain the differences between the Pre-K offerings as they apply to the various aspects of your child's learning experiences. Please do not hesitate to ask questions should you have any, however please keep in mind that questions asked in regards to the public Pre-K offering may not be answered so that we have time to answer questions from the parents who actually give a damn about their child's education.

Class Structure and Syllabus
If your child is in our private offering, the teacher is provided with a detailed class syllabus on every theme possible, structured so that every waking moment of your child's day is spent having the week's theme hammered into them. These syllabi were developed by educators and scientists, all of whom are far, far smarter than you. With this syllabus the teachers are encouraged to develop their own materials as well, as long as it doesn't interfere with, or in any way impede in them teaching the materials we paid so very, very much for. Your child's day will be similarly regimented with set times for set learning activities so that they never have to step outside the warm, comforting bounds of a strict schedule.

In the public Pre-K offering, the teacher is left entirely to their own devices and are free to come up with whatever material they choose, provided it adheres to the Georgia state guidelines, which may or may not include reading this year. We're still checking. Your child's day will be "unstructured" and "free" and will allow your child to wander the classroom with their peers like a roving band of feral dogs.

Mathematics
Our private offering has workbooks and textbooks and special paper and helps to teach your child basic mathematical concepts like patterns, sorting, charting, linear algebra, n-space polynomials and Topological Hochschild homology of twisted group algebras. Your child's work will be available for you to review each week so that you can help reinforce concepts at home.

Our public offering offers a rich mathematics program with activities such as counting, counting some more and counting even more things. Your child's work may or may not be available for you to review, depending on whether or not the teacher had time to get it together, what with all of the lesson planning she needs to be doing.

Reading and Writing
The private offering has an award winning system of phonics and sound recognition that allows your child to not only see the sounds that letters make, but how those sounds combine to make words. Special paper is provided so that they can practice learning how to write letters and words. Our current class will be finished with Anna Karenina by March and are looking forward to ending the year with some Nabokov

In our public offering, left over pencils and discarded pieces of paper from our private class are made available so that they can scribble and "write" in an attempt to ape the efforts of the kids in the smart, er, private class. The reading exercises are pulled from mostly fast food menu boards to prepare your child for their career in French Fry Management.

Science and Technology
Science and Technology are very important for our private offering to prepare your child for living in the 21st century. Every child will have access to a laptop and will attend classes on software design, object oriented programming and successfully moving tech support jobs overseas. The rich tapestry of scientific discovery is also presented to them in experimentation activities, thesis defense and time spent in our very own linear accelerator.

In our public offering, we don't have any computers but we have a box we've painted blue to act as a monitor and a dead phone to help simulate the tech support experience. As for science, well, this is a Georgia funded program so we're not allowed to teach science. Hope you like Intelligent Design!

Foreign Languages
Our private program sees the importance of living in a global economy and recently introduced Spanish into the syllabus. When Arturo the Burro shows up, the children know it's time to speak in Español, por favor! Children learn to count in Spanish, learn their colors in Spanish, learn basic words in Spanish and learn how to say useful phrases like "How are you this morning?", "Where is the police station?" and "Don't cut the goddamn hydrangeas back so much!" in Spanish.

In our public offering, maybe your kid will learn Spanish, maybe they won't. Maybe your teacher will have the time to come up with a rich Spanish lesson plan or maybe she'll just let them watch Telemundo while she texts her boyfriend. Caliente!

Personal Development
Our private program emphasizes the need for children to not only develop as smart, forward thinking individuals, but as kind, caring, generous individuals as well. Different positive character traits such as honest, generosity and respect are taught as well as one can to beings who are so self centered that the rest of the universe is rendered effectively absent.

In our public program your child's teacher will do their best to ensure your kid doesn't grow up to be a total shitheel. If they do, 9 times out of 10 it's your fault anyways.

Academic Development
At various points in your child's time in our private program, your child will be tested and placed in groups to help your teacher tailor the learning environment to them as well as let the other kids know just how far behind your child is. By the end of the year, all children are in the "smart" group and no child is left behind.

In our public program, children with academic disadvantages are helped with a two prong approach of beatings and public shamings. Children deemed "dumb" are humiliated and stoned by the children deemed "smart". By the end of the year, all children are fully prepared to act out their preordained roles for the rest of their natural born lives.

Attendance and Holiday Schedule
Children in our private program can attend as much or as little as you want them to. You're paying full price either way, so we really don't care. Should you choose to spend no time with your children, we will happily dress them in their pajamas so that you can being them home and put them right to bed without spending any additional time with them. Ask about our weekend nanny rates!

As our public program is Georgia funded, your child will be expected to be in class and on time every day. Unexcused absences are not tolerated and may result in a visit from Knee Breaking Nicky our resident Attendance Counselor. Absences due to doctor's visits must be accompanied with an Excused Absence form filled out in triplicate, a sworn affidavit from your child's physician, a second opinion from a non-network physician and a character reference from your state's representative in the Senate and/or Congress. Your child's day will end at 2:15 and all children must be picked up promptly by 2:17 or a $50 per minute fee will be assessed. After school care is available at the rate of $975 a week. We also offer full day care for the 115 or so days off your child will have at the rate of 70 hojillion dollars a day. Special financing is available.

Graduation
Your child will graduate from our Pre-K program with all of the pomp and circumstance that should accompany a child leaving a program that isn't actually real school. This is but the first of many graduations, pageants, plays, recitals and other events you'll have to attend, all in an attempt to make your child think they're special before being thrust out in the real world where they'll find out they're exactly like everyone else.

Georgia doesn't care about graduation, and by extension, the self esteem of your child so graduation isn't funded. If you'd like, we can hum a jaunty tune as they walk down the hallway when leaving. Don't let the door hit them on the ass on the way out.

We hope that this information will help you make an informed choice in regards to your child's education. Obviously, by being attending this seminar you have an interest in providing your child with the finest learning experience possible. Don't fuck it up now.

Ramjet

Here are some shots of the newest addition to the Transformers party.

Dig that crazy cone head. Here he is with the others.

Parts is Parts

I realized the other day that part of the reason I'm not posting as regularly these days is that I wait until I feel I have enough to post about. This seems to be antithetical to the idea of blogging what with it's offerings of instantaneous publishing. I could be posting all the time, as things popped into my head, but that seems silly to me. It would appear that I don't "get" blogging. I tend to think of this place as more of a collection of columns, rather than just a place to record my various thoughts, which, on the one hand, leads to what I think are more entertaining pieces, but on the other hand, they come less frequently. Honestly, I don't see that changing any time soon, however I'm going to try to pop in more frequently with smaller bits if anything just to keep the hoards clamoring for content in between bigger pieces. Keep clamoring hordes!

That being said, today's post is a collection of these aforementioned small bits. I have a mind to parcel them out over the next few days in some sort of advent calendar of useless content but that serves no one well. Plus, this new Blogger keeps forgetting who I am and the sign in process is unnecessarily shitty, so I'll just stick to the one trip down Blogger lane for today.

Recently, when Linda and I were out and about, we saw a sign for a restaurant's breakfast offerings. The sign said "The best parts of breakfast." For some reason, this struck both of us as very unsettling, as if breakfast at this place was just an assortment of cooked animal parts, a plate of limbs and wings and other appendages all akimbo. Perhaps they were swimming in a sassy sauce, perhaps not. Eggs and hash browns may also be present, however it's not guaranteed. We're not sure if they meant to say that their breakfast was the best part of a morning, in an attempt to wrestle the title from Folgers, or they meant to say that their meals were the best part of breakfast, unlike toast which is just lazy and brings nothing to the table. At any rate, the misplaced "s" ended up screwing up everything and instead of visions of a hearty morning meal, we had visions of dismembered farm animals. Think The Shining meets Animal Farm. Not pretty.

Thanks to some diligent searching on my part, Ramjet has now joined the Transformers party. He's a pretty cool model in both robot and vehicle form, despite his robot form looking like a mechanical Conehead. This helps bring the Decepticons to within one of an even playing field. I guess I could buy Astrotrain, but come on, it's Astrotrain. How evil can a supply vehicle possibly be? Thankfully my reissue of the classic Soundwave is on it's way and the Decepticons will once again be on equal footing with the Autobots. Plus they'll have tunes. Linda scoffed at my notion that Soundwave needs to be a tape player and not some lame ass stealth bomber, but at least tape players don't have that DRM bullshit. I bet if I showed some youngster how I could take a tape and play it in any tape player ever built he'd shit his knickers. Try doing that with your fancy iTunes songs. The best part of getting Soundwave is that I didn't have to go anywhere. Toys R Us emailed me (it's a TRU exclusive) and I made with the clickage. I realize that the hunt is half the fun, but I don't have time to flit from store to store. I'll gladly pay the shipping.

Target has an exclusive Ultra Magnus vs Skywarp set for the low, low price of 20 bucks. It's tempting except for the fact that Ultra Magnus is just Optimus painted light blue and white and Skywarp is Starscream painted black and purple. I'm ok with that last one, as the Decpticon air corps members all pretty much looked alike, but I remember Ultra Magnus looking decidedly different from Optimus. Still, 30 bucks worth of toys for 20 is a pretty good deal. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to have the conversation with my coworkers about Ultra Magnus not being just a repainted version of Optimus when he is totally just a repainted version of Optimus. I've seen the classics version of Cliffjumper out there too, but he appears to be just a red version of Bumblebee which means he's just a different shade of lame.

The other weekend I smoked another meat loaf and while it turned out well, it wasn't as spicy as I had intended. I'm mulling around in my head a recipe for a meat loaf so hot, so spicy, so decidedly caliente that I've decided to call it Heat Loaf. We're still in the planning stages but at some point I'll be going into prototyping. The problem is that I want to balance good taste with heat which is often difficult to do. Also, a lot of hot sauces have a vinegary flavor to them which doesn't jive well with what I think a good meat loaf should be. One thing I did think of was crushing up some wasabi peas into the bread crumbs but I'm not sure wasabi is the right flavor. We'll see. I like the idea of a very hot meat loaf as it's a nice surprising juxtaposition of comfort food and searing pain. It's as if your mom called you over for a hug and instead she poked you in the eye. This also got me thinking of different flavored meat loafs such as an Italian meat loaf with parmesan and mozzarella cheese, green peppers and pancetta and sauced with a spicy tomato sauce; a buffalo wing meat loaf made with celery, carrots, blue cheese and sauced with a spicy wing sauce; a bacon cheeseburger meat loaf with chipotle peppers, smoked mozzarella and bacon bits, "sauced" with slices of provolone cheese and the aforementioned Heat Loaf. I think we may have the beginnings of a good restaurant here. Think Zaxby's, but with meat loaf. Inquire inside about exciting franchising opportunities.

I have some gaming to speak of too, however I feel this is better left to Friday's post when the weekend lays before you and perhaps you can take a moment from the toil and drudgery of your every day life and engage in some digital shenanigans. Oh the times we'll have!

The Book of Dad

Greetings. Sorry for the long time between posts. Much like Stella, I am working on getting my groove back. It is a work in progress.

Anyone with small children knows that parenting is 50% common sense and 50% saying 5 or 6 phrases over and over and over again. Most of the time, I think that a cardboard cutout of me and a tape recorder could do the same job I'm doing while at the same time freeing me up to play Ratchet and Clank. I'm assuming that when your kids are older you have to listen to them and deal with their problems, or at least feign interest, but for the toddler/young child set, it's basically just telling them for the 15th time to stop playing on the goddamn furniture.

This morning for some reason, I delivered one of my pearls of wisdom to my daughter as if it were from the Bible. I don't know why. Last night I rapped "Mama Said Knock You Out" while I gave her a bath. I'm a strange cat. Anyways, while I don't think the message got through any better than when I just say it like it is, it was fun for me and the momentary look of confusion on both kids' faces was worth it. If you haven't confused or upset your kid at some point in the day, you're not doing your job as a parent correctly. I prefaced my statement with "A reading from the Book of Dad" which gave it the gravitas I felt my words deserved. For your enjoyment I have compiled these nuggets of wisdom so that you may use them with your own children, starting with the one I delivered this morning. Enjoy.

"For lo, a hunger did fall upon the land, and this hunger was called morning. The children who ate their dinner the night before were happy, while those that were banished from the table for misbehaviour had empty stomachs, and their mouth did taste like ash."

"Dirty hands shall touch no dinner. Crying mouths shall taste no snack."

"Why dost thou not use thy words? Were thou not raised as a man? Does a man not speak? A child who speaks in tears and wailing will not receive help, for their parents can not understand them. Rejoice, for thou have been given the gift of speech! Use this gift and all shall be delivered unto you."

"The child who raises his hands in anger shall be banished to his room. And his sole companion shall be hunger."

"And the child did play on the furniture and a fall was taken. The child, seeking sympathy for his injury met only with rebuke for he had been told that the furniture was forbidden. And lo, his tears dried as tracks of shame upon his face."

"Thy pants are not a napkin, nor is thy sleeve nor thy hand nor the furniture nor the dog."

"Pick not thy nose, lest a booger be delivered unto you."

"And the child did ask 'Father, why can we not listen to our music in the car?' And the Father replied, 'Child, one day you shall have a job and with that job you shall have money and with that money you shall have a car. On that day, you may listen to whatever music you like. Today you have no job so you have no money so you have no car so we shall listen to My Chemical Romance.' And they did. And it was good."

"And the child who asked nicely was rewarded while the child who did not was given only shame."

"The magic word is please and please is the magic word."

"Listen to thy parents for thy parents hold the keys to the kingdom. When thy parents give thee a task, do not make them ask you again and again, for your only reward shall be righteous anger."

"Do not take toys from thy siblings or thy toys will be taken from thee and thou shall have only shame to play with."

"And the child did cry for no reason. And soon, a reason was delivered unto them."

I particularly like that last one. I think it'd make a good shirt. You know you've made it when one of your phrases makes it on the chests of aging hipsters and emo kids everywhere.

2006: The Year in Music

As music goes, this was a pretty good year. After all, any year that has a Pearl Jam album in it is right up there with the best of them. I should warn you that I am a piss poor music reviewer, so prepare for lots of "I liked it, but not as much as the last one" something like 15 times. As with the games and the movies, I'm limiting this list to music that came out this year.

Super 400 - Live 05
Super 400 is a tremendously talented power trio from my home town of Albany, NY. They bring the rock in copious amounts and their love of Led Zeppelin is palpable. Plus, they have one of the hottest women in rock on bass, the lovely Ms. Lori Friday. Check them out at Super400.com.

My Chemical Romance - The Black Parade
One of the best albums this year. An amazing mix of Green Day punk, Queen bombast and dark, death emo imagery. Plus, it's got a cameo by Liza Minelli which fits the album to a "t". The opening 5 songs are genius and if you can listen to "Dead" and not rock the fuck out, something is totally wrong with you. My daughter loves it and she's only 2. She's off to a great start.

Angels and Airwaves - We Don't Need To Whisper
Yes the lyrics can be a little too uplifting, but this band has some serious talent and the hooks are undeniable. Great music to play Uno on the 360 by too.

Snow Patrol - Eyes Open
Good hooks, plenty of emo angst. A fun little record. I give it an 8.

Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere
Sometimes the lyrics can be a little too strange, but the beats kick ass, and if you like songs about fucking dead people, this is the album for you

Matisyahu - Youth
I'm not a fan of reggae, so I'm not sure how reggaeish this album actually is, but this dude has a great flow and his songs always pick me up.

Queensryche - Operation Mindcrime: II
A complete and total fucking waste of money. Not only is this a shitty record, but it manages to taint the original in the process which is a shame. Ronnie James Dio sings like ass too. They should have never recorded this piece of shit.

Sarah Harmer - I'm A Mountain
Not a bad album, but I like her earlier stuff a lot better. At the same time, if you like bluegrass, you may get a kick out of this one.

Bruce Springsteen - We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions
The most fun album I've heard in quite some time. The level of talent on this album is amazing and all of the songs are kid friendly, perfect for getting your rock on while you make dinner. "Erie Canal" is a work of genius.

Pearl Jam - Pearl Jam
Hands down, the best album of the year. Now, I'll agree that I'm biased towards The Jam, but objectively speaking, this album kicks ass. Filled with amazing melodies, blistering rock riffs and their usual penchant for stellar lyrics, this is not only one of Pearl Jam's best albums, but one of the best rock albums to come out in some time. Plus, it brought Pearl Jam back in the spotlight where they so rightfully deserve to be. The kids of today need rock. They need Pearl Jam.

Angie Aparo - El Primero Del Tres
A fun EP from one of the best independent musicians out there. Translated literally, it means "The First of Three". I look forward to the next two. If you get a chance to see him live, do so. "Stairway to Freebird" is well worth the price of admission.

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Stadium Arcadium
Usually, I'm of the opinion that a double album should be cut of the filler and made into a stellar single album, but two discs of the Chili Peppers is always better than one. Maybe there's half a disc of filler, but that's OK with me, because the rest is kick ass funk rock.

Guster - Ganging Up On the Sun
These guys get more and more talented with every record. A great band to see in concert too, should you get a chance.

Keane - Under the Iron Sea
Some good songs, some OK songs. In totality, it's nothing you'll keep coming back to, but when you do, you won't have wasted your time. It's reviews like this that explain why I don't work for Rolling Stone.

Butch Walker and the Let's Go Out Tonights - The Rise and Fall of...
Butch Walker makes the most fun records in rock today. This one is his best yet. If you can score a copy of Live at Budokan on DVD, do so, if only for the acoustic performance.

Tom Petty - Highway Companion
Tom Petty makes amazing records. This is a Tom Petty record. Ergo, this is an amazing record. Seriously, why aren't you out buying this now?

Outkast - Idlewild
The first time I listened to this album, I was like "There are some good songs in here." The second time I couldn't bring myself to listen through the shit to find them. Oh well.

Pete Yorn - Nightcrawler
An uneven effort. Pick up "Live in New Jersey" instead if you're down for some Yorn-age.

Citizen Cope - Every Waking Moment
A good follow up to his last effort. It improves with every listen too, which is always a good thing. "Brother Lee" is spectacular. He puts on a good show too.

Barenaked Ladies - Barenaked Ladies Are Me
Should have been titled "Barenaked Ladies Are Boring". Not sure where the fun band of "Stunt" and "Maroon" went, but hopefully they'll come back soon.

John Mayer - Continuum
This dude has talent. Plus, he's willing to do skits with Dave Chappelle which puts him at the top of my list of rock-pop guitarists.

The Killers - Sam's Town
Brandon Flowers seems like a bit of a dick, and sullies my good name in the process. This is a fun record, but nothing that will go down in the history of rock. I did find it interesting that prior to the release, everyone was all like "The Killers! The Killers! They're trying to sound like Springsteen circa Born to Run!", but once the album came out, people knocked them for trying to sound like Born to Run and failing. Well, duh. No one can sound like Bruce did on that album, not even Bruce any more, and certainly not a band that spent its first album trying to revive the 80's.

Lindsey Buckingham - Under the Skin
Pop's most underrated guitarist. This album has some songs that are a little hard to get into, but all of them are technically impressive and most of them have some damn good hooks. This dude is a genius.

Incubus - Light Grenades
A nice way to end the year, with a kick ass rock record from one of my favorite bands. If you have any Xmas money left over, this would be a good thing to spend it on.

2006: The Year in Games

Jeez, what a year for gaming 2006 was. I'm not going to get into a big recap as anyone who is interested in this post already knows all of the gory details. Two consoles launched (3 if you consider the DS Lite), Sony stumbled, Nintendo soared, Microsoft stayed the course and a whole bunch of really, really good games were released.

As with the Year in Movies post, here's a list of every 2006 release I played. Well, bought and played is more like it, I'm not counting demos. Huzzah!

Xbox 360
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion - Put your best foot forward, I say, so this game is the first one listed as it was, hands down, the best game I played all year. How it did not get Game of the Year over Gears is beyond me, but I'm not a big, fancy pants game site editor. Oblivion is one of the finest RPG's I've ever played with a scope and level of character customization unparalleled in console gaming. Once you taste the joyous freedom this game gives you, you'll find it impossible to go back to a traditional game's linear structure. Sure there were some framerate issues, particularly when on horseback, and I had my game lock up once or twice, but the issues were worth it. I have 90 hours logged and I haven't even completed everything that shipped with the game, not to mention all of the extra content I've downloaded. It also kept me playing my 360 for the boring summer months of zero good content on the console, so Microsoft better make sure that Bethesda gets a nice "thanks for keeping our console relevant" bonus.

Gears of War - While it didn't seem possible for Gears of War to live up to the hype, it did with lots of action, gore and sky high production values to spare. If Oblivion is the reason for RPG fiends to buy a 360, Gears is the reason for shooter fans to do so. The game is amazingly beautiful, packs a powerful audio punch and keeps the adrenaline fueled pace up througout. Multiplayer is a blast, and co-op is tons of fun. I'd like to see a more flexible multiplayer experience, or a way to save your co-op progress for those of us who are Dom-curious, but these are minor quibbles in an otherwise spectacular shooter experience.

Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter - Multiplayer was a hoot, especially the co-op maps. I got one level into the single player before Oblivion came and I never went back. I hear it's good. I'll never know as I traded it in months ago. It sure is pretty though.

Burnout Revenge - It's the same game that came out in 2005 for the other consoles, just with better explosions and a better crash junction mode, which is like saying it's like sex, only with better orgasms. The online mode had some problems, which is to be expected with an EA game, but once you got racing, it was a blast. Literally. Saying I'm excited for Burnout 5 is an understatement of mythical proportions.

Dead Rising - Great concept, great variety of weapons, great zombie mashing sounds, shitty, shitty, shitty save/mission system. Oblivion ruined this game for me which is a shame, but I'm a stickler for flexible save systems, so it's not all Oblivions's fault.

Marvel: Ultimate Alliance - An excellent action-RPG with tons of cool Marvel heroes. The individual simulator missions helps to extend the game, and the cutscenes were some of the finest CGI productions I've seen in some time. I thoroughly enjoyed this game from start to finish.

Uno - The sleeper hit of the year! Easy to pick up and impossible to put down, Uno remains my go to game when I want to play something for only 5 minutes. Granted it never lasts only 5 minutes, but that's OK. It has also started Linda and I playing the real life version when we watch TV which is great except for the fact that I lose pretty much every game.

Texas Hold 'Em - It was free, which is pretty much all it has going for it. The Hold 'Em game I have on my phone is better, and I can play it at red lights.

Sneak King - As stealth action games go, it's pretty medicore, as a sign that the apocalypse is upon us in the form of a corporate mascot hiding in a garbage can, waiting to force hash brown nuggets down an innocent passerby's gullet, it's top notch.

Pocketbike Racer - A fun little Mario Kart-esque racer. Where else can you race as the Subservient Chicken? Where else would you want to?

Nintendo DS
Elite Beat Agents - This game really has to be played to be fully understood. As rhythm games go, it's a blast, and quickly ramps up in difficulty. It also has an incredible sense of humor and style. It's one of the few games I can think of that would be just as much fun to watch being played as playing it yourself. Agents are go!

Tetris DS - It's Tetris, in many, many forms, all with a unique Nintendo feel. If you like Tetris, you'll love it. If you don't like Tetris, what the hell is wrong with you? A great game to show off the DS's new screens too, as the colors in this game are delightful.

Metroid Prime: Hunters - A great Metroid game and a great shooter and it's the first and only Metroid game to have online multiplayer. The mission and save structure don't fit with the pick up and play for 10 minutes style of a handheld, but if you can get past that, you're in for a real treat. It also helps fill the Metroid void (hey I rhymed!) until Metroid Prime: Corruption.

Clubhouse Games - By far, the best gaming value out there. 42 card, board and "other" games all with different difficulty levels and game specific missions. If you wanted one game to keep in your DS so that you'd never be bored, this is the game. Where else can you play darts, then go bowling then play a game of Rummy?

Brain Age: Train Your Brain in Minutes a Day - Lots of fun for the various puzzles, but entirely worth the 20 buck price tag just for the Soduku. The handwriting recognition can be a bit dodgy, but that may be a result of my crippled chicken scratch.

Star Fox Command - A dissappointing mix of 3-d space shooting and turn based strategy. I wish they had just stuck with the flying as it was fun, what little of it there was. The game is incredibly short, despite the multiple endings, as it wasn't fun enough to go back and play for the various outcomes. I've heard the multiplayer is fun, but I can't attest to it.

Big Brain Academy - The puzzles in this game were more fun, and more colorful than in Brain Age, but there's no Soduku, so ultimately it's a wash.

Uno / Skip-Bo / Uno Freefall - The reign of Uno continues! I have no idea what those other modes are, as I haven't played any of them, but I've played a ton of Uno and it's just as good on the DS as it is on other platforms. And hey, I can actually win a game or two, unlike when playing Linda.

Nintendo Wii
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess - One of the best games I've ever played, and probably the best Zelda games ever, but I'd like to wait until I finish it before making that decision. As with all of the Zelda games, it's an absolute joy to play and the production values and art direction is top notch. The Wii control scheme makes the shooting much, much easier, and shaking the nunchuk to perform a spin move is tremendously fun.

Rayman Raving Rabbids - Lack of progressive scan is dissappointing because the Rabbids are so much fun to watch, you want to make sure you can see every detail. The sense of humor in this game is fantastic, and the mini games swing from extremely easy to extremely frustrating with plenty of middle ground. Highly recommended.

Wii Sports - The smartest thing Nintendo did with this launch is packing this game in with every system. I now use it as a workout disc of sorts for my Wii Sports Weight Loss plan and these minigames have gotten Linda back into gaming at a level not seen since the halcyon days of Super Monkey Ball and Tiger Woods.

Elebits - The game looks and plays great. The voice acting makes you long for the eternal silence of death. Thankfully you only have to endure it in the cut scenes. I haven't played it too long, so I can't speak to the fun factor over a long period of time, but any game built on the concept of enslaving sentient beings for our power needs is OK in my book.

Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz - Controlling the single player game with the Wiimote is intuitive and lots of fun. Sadly, the same can't be said for all of the minigames. With 50+ minigames, some were sure to be stinkers, but so far we're averaging about half which is a bummer. Oh well, the half that are good, are a lot of fun, however I don't see Linda and I returning to this game with the same fervor as the original Super Monkey Ball.

Red Steel - Amazing only in it's medicority, this game shows that the Wii can be a viable platform for the FPS genre, as long as it's a competent team making the game. I'm still not sure why I put down the very powerful shotgun when someone comes at me with a sword, but I'm sure it has something to do with honor or some shit. Whatever. I'll keep playing it to see what happens, but I can't really recommend it. Not at 50 bucks anyways. At 20, sure but not at 50.

PS2
Okami - I haven't played this one yet, but I'm really looking forward to it. A Zelda-esque action adventure game steeped in Japanese lore? Yes please!

Black - For 50 bucks, this game was supposed to be a dissappointment. For 15 it looks like just the thing when I want to get my violence on. Yay for Costco.

For the PS2 I also have to finish Guitar Hero and Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando as well as start Ratchet and Clank: Up Your Arsenal, Kingdom Hearts and Transformers. I also have Killer 7 and Eternal Darkness for the Cube/Wii. Verily, lots of good gaming await me, and it's not even 2007, the year of Mass Effect, Bioshock, Too Human, Phoenix Wright: And Justice for All, The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass, Metroid Prime: Corruption, Super Mario Galaxy, Alan Wake, Burnout 5 and Guitar Hero 2 for the 360.

On that last one, allow me to take this time to thank the Gods of Rock and their human conduits over at Red Octane for including not only Pearl Jam but My Chemical Romance at launch for GH2 on the 360. My prayers have been answered and I look forward to continuing to pray at the altar of rock in March. God of Rock be praised!

2006: The Year in Movies

Welcome to what is the first of three "The Year in..." posts. This one focuses on movies while subsequent posts will focus on games and music. As I'm a selfcentered son-of-a-B, I am of course referring to movies that I've seen and not some general here's how the movie industry did as a whole in 2006. Not only am I not smart enough to make the critical observations necessary for that kind of post, I also don't care. I've decided to limit this post to movies I saw this year that actually came out this year, as trying to remember all of the movies I watched this year would be an exercise in futility.

One thing I should point out before giving my little mini-reviews is that, of late, whenever Linda and I watch a movie in the basement I end up sleeping through part of it. As a result, I may be giving a movie somewhat of a bad review because it didn't make any sense, a direct result of my narcoleptic tendencies. Thankfully I seem to remember that most of the movies I didn't like, Linda didn't like either, so you can rest assured that the movie was probably still bad, just not for the reasons I'm listing. On with the show!

Hostel - I rented this one to see what the hubbub was about. By hubbub, I mean that I heard there were some pretty hot topless chicks in it and there were . It is not lost on me that the lustful urges used to lure the young men to their dooms in the movie were the same urges used to get me to watch the movie. I'm OK with that. After all, my achilles tendons remained intact. The movie was OK. Certainly entertaining but nothing to get all jazzed up about. It's not for teh squeamish though as some of the violence is pretty brutal.

Glory Road - Linda and I rented this over the summer. Think Miracle but with basketball instead of hockey and with boredom instead of emotional resonance and national pride. Total waste of Emily Deschanel too.

Underworld: Evolution - For the life of me, I still can't fathom how it is I can watch these Underworld movies and not understand a goddam second of them. I've seen the first one like 3 times and I still have no idea what happened. Oh well. Kate Beckinsale is smoking hot in her leather catsuit thingy and Bill Nighy is always a hoot. It was a little on the long side and I'm pretty sure I slept through part of it.

Final Destination 3- Not as good as the first two, however if you're a Final Destination fan, you'll still be entertained. The DVD has an interesting cut and paste feature that allows you to put together how the different folks die. At least I heard that it does as I could never get it to work.

Running Scared - Suprisingly enough, this hyper violent "fairy tale" was one of my favorite movies of the year. Paul Walker did an excellent job as a low level mob flunky who finds his life turning to shit when the gun he was supposed to get rid of, due to it's use in a shootout with some corrupt cops, gets stolen by the neighbor's kid and used for an attempted patricide. It's dark, funny, extremely violent at times and filled with a bunch of really memorable characters. This movie will put your sound system to the test too, particularly in the opening shootout. Plus, it's got Chazz Palminteri who is always worth the price of admission.

16 Blocks - You'd think that a movie with Mos Def and Bruce Willis would be pretty good. You'd be wrong. Mos had this really annoying nasal voice througout the whole thing and the bad guy was the blonde dude from St. Elsewhere. Ooooh, very scary. I slept through a big chunk of this one, so maybe it was better, but if it was better I probably wouldn't have fallen asleep.

Dave Chappelle's Block Party - An excellent concert film if you're into hip-hop and such greats as The Roots, Kanye West, Erykah Badu and Black Star. A not so great concert film if you're into Dave Chappelle as he does very little, if any standup. It's still funny at times, especially when he walks the streets of his home town giving out golden tickets, but those expecting a laugh out loud movie will be dissappointed.

V For Vendetta - A pretty accurate rendition of the seminal comic mini-series, especially for an Alan Moore joint, which usually end up getting raped over a barrel when made into movies ("League of Extraordinary Gentlemen", I'm looking at you). Natalie Portman was hot as usual, and Hugo Weaving did an excellent job emoting behind a plastic mask for 2 hours. I was glad to see that they kept V's identity a secret througout the film, as they did in the comics. All in all, a very entertaining action movie.

Inside Man - Spike Lee - good. Clive Owen - good. Denzel Washington - good. Need I say more?

Slither - A hilarious horror-comedy movie about space slugs that come to Earth and prey on the populace of an unsuspecting town. Nathan Fillion is in it, which makes it a must watch in my book. It's a shame this movie didn't do better as it's quite good and Fillion deserves to have some serious leading man money pushed his way so that he can show how he can hang with the best of them. Bill Pardy fans unite!

Lucky Number Slevin - An interesting little crime noir movie with Josh Hartnett, Lucy Liu, Morgan Freeman and Bruce Willis, among others. The movie's got style and keeps you guessing throughout. Plus, for once I didn't find Lucy Liu annoying. Worth a rent if you see it on the shelf.

The Sentinel - Utter shit. The movie made no sense, and it had Eva Longoria, who is one of the most annoying people working in Hollywood today. Avoid at all costs.

Mission: Impossible III - Once you get past the fact that Tom Cruise is in it, you'll be treated to the best Mission Impossible movie of the three and a damn good action movie in it's own right. Turn up the speakers for the bridge scene and rattle the neighbor's house. Ving Rhames is his usual badass self, Maggie Q is fucking gorgeous and the brief appearance of Keri Russell made me remember why I loved "Felicity" so.

Over The Hedge - Absolutely hilarious animated movie based on the comic strip of the same name. The voice talent is amazing, the animation is top notch and it's damned funny. Buy it for the kids, watch it for yourself, or hell, screw the kids. They probably don't deserve it anyways.

X-Men: The Last Stand - Well, Colussus looked cool and it had the Fastball Special. On the one hand, I'd hate for the franchise to go out on this particular note, but on the other hand, the potential is there for them to go out on a far worse note. Let's hope the Wolverine spin-off is better.

The Break-Up - Jennifer Aniston seems to get hotter and hotter in every movie, while jon Favreau gets bigger and bigger. Vince Vaugh was his least outlandish and created a character that was very realistic while still being Vince Vaughn funny. The fights were actual arguments you would expect normal couples to get in which made the movie painful to watch at times, but ultimately entertaining.

Cars - The animation is great, but at 2 hours, it's just too damned long for a kids' movie. My son got up to do other stuff at one point, which he never does when watching a movie. Warning, after watching this, your children may want you to smash into other cars when driving. If you already do that, good for you.

Superman Returns - The best movie of the year and one of the best comic book movies ever made. It pains my soul to see that the aforementioned X-Men piece of crap made more than this movie. I still react with incredulity when I hear that people didn't like this movie, but I also don't understand why people like bananas. No accounting for taste, I guess. This movie will be on permanent rotation in our house for a long time to come.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - Good, with amazing special effects but ultimately too long and too meandering. Hopefully the third one will be a little tighter and act as a good bookend with the first one. Not enough Keira Knightley in a bodice either.

The Descent - Best horror movie of the year. I was scared out of my mind before they even came across the beasties, so well did the film the claustraphobia of spelunking. Carniverous cave dwellers aside, you couldn't pay me enough money to crawl around in some tunnel under the ground. Neil Marshall now lives atop my must watch list for directors.

Feast - Linda and I watched the making of this movie on Project Greenlight, so I felt obligated to buy it and help John Gulager out. It's actually a really good movie, with lots of gore, humor and hot chicks. I know that IMDB lists this as a 2005 release, but I'm not counting film festivals. I'm talking wide release or DVD release.

So there you have it. 2007 looks to be a stellar year with 300, Ghost Rider, Spider-Man 3, Transformers and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix among others. I may actually see one or two of these in the theater. How exciting!

A Merry Illness to All

Greetings. Welcome to the new year. I hope it is a good one for you and your's. I also hope that your holiday was a good one as mine was conjured from the blackest pits of hell. What, pray tell, could cause such problems over this, the gloriousest of holiday vacations? Why, a sick child, that's what. And not just a sick child, but a SICK child. Come with me as I spin a tale of woe, but be warned for here there be monsters.

Before we get started, I should point out some things, things that every parent knows but are loathe to admit. The reason for me doing this is that Greg, a blogger whose work I have come to enjoy, and his tastefully named wife Linda, are expecting their first child in summer of this year. This being the case, I feel it my responsibility to lift the curtain from their eyes so that they can see the truth of what they can expect from the years ahead. No longer will I live in this code of silence perpetuated by fellow parents with the hopes of ensnaring other child free couples into our web of shared misery! No longer!

First, and this really shouldn't come as any surprise, but children have a tendency to ruin everything. OK, not necessarily everything, but most things, and certainly the important things. It's not really their fault, most of the time, it just happens. It happened when you were a kid, and it will happen with your own kids, or has already happened. I remember putting my arm through our front door's window the day before we were going on vacation and requiring 15 stitches on two cuts. This required us to have to find a doctor in Cape Cod who could remove the stitches, causing my mom to almost pass out in said doctor's office in the process. While we could still go on vacation, I dare say it was pretty damn close to being ruined. If you have an event, or a vacation, or you just want to go out with the family for a change of pace and have a nice dinner, invariably, someone will get sick, or fall off of the roof or just act like crazed monkey children in the restaurant and get you slapped with a restraining order. It's the universe's way of testing the boundaries of your love for your children. It also helps keep all of those boarding schools open as parents give up in fits of exhaustion and pack their kids off to be raised by strangers. Good luck Timmy, see you in June.

The reason that parents are so insistent on their kids having kids is because they know what's coming, and they want revenge for having all of their activities ruined for 18+ years. No one really wants grandkids, they just want to hear about how their grandchild ruined their son's/daughter's vacation/holiday/ski trip. I know I can't wait to hear about how little Abby junior threw up all over Thanksgiving dinner, a dinner I missed because Linda and I were vacationing in New Zealand. Similarly, people with kids naturally want others to share in their misery, so they want their child free friends to have kids too. I say nuts to that. The world doesn't need more people, and I like to think that someone is having a holiday not tinged with unhappiness.

The other thing is that the simple act of you commenting on how well things are going is enough to cause it to all come crashing down around you. Maybe this is just something with our family, but if either Linda or I notice some positive aspect of the children's behaviour, and we comment on it to each other, sure as the sun rises in the morning, that behaviour will change. Case in point, we had a good couple of weeks where Abby was sleeping fine and not getting up in the night. Linda says "it's nice that Abby sleeps through the night now" and that night she was up like every half hour and we haven't had a stretch of more than two good sleeping nights in a row since. I have tried to tell her that our words have power so we shouldn't abuse that but does she listen? Noooooooo! After all, what do I know? She says that she likes to say nice things about the kids. My response is that you can say nice things, you just have to be careful. You can say that they're nice kids, good kids, good looking kids, smart kids, creative kids, whatever. You just can't say something like "I'm glad none of the kids have held up any liquor stores" because if you do, our 4 year old will be picked up that night for trying to knock off the Beverage Mart.

Which brings us to our story. Abby has a long, proud history of getting sick every time family comes to visit (see everything, ruining of). Usually she gets sick a few days before they arrive so that she's well into it by the time they get here. This time, as of Thursday night, she hadn't, which led Linda to utter the fateful words "It's good Abby didn't get sick for your mom and sister's visit." At that point, I knew we were doomed. "Why would you say that?", I said. She brushed off my concerns, but I knew that the die had been cast and we would come up big losers.

Sure enough, Friday morning, not only is Abby miserable but she has an elevated temperature. Linda kept her home for a little bit to make sure she was OK. Once Abby was behaving like her normal self, Linda brought her to school. We went to the airport, got my mom and sister, had lunch and all was well until daycare called at 3:30 saying Abby had a temperature of 103. Yikes. It was on, 'til the crack of dawn.

Over the next few days Abby's temperature would range from a normal temp in the 98's up to a high somewhere in the 102's. Sometimes she was irritable, sometimes she was fine. Every night she was up screaming around 10PM and then later on around 1 or 2 in the morning. Fun!

On Tuesday, a day in which Linda and I had planned on bringing the kids to daycare so that we could enjoy a day of shopping and eating out with my mom and sister, we brought Abby to the doctor instead as, at this point, she had had a fever for going on 5 days now. There she was diagnosed with hand, foot and mouth disease and we were told that she should be over it in no time as that particular virus only lasts for 5 days max. Also, she was showing signs of the blisters that come with the disease which means it was on the outs.

On Wednesday her fever was worse than before, and then her eardrum exploded. Yes, you read that right. One moment she was fine, the next she was screaming and a bloody discharge was coming out of her ear. We thought that maybe she had a blister in her ear and it broke, but when Linda brought her to the doctor and the doctor took a look, the ear drum was perforated. Apparently, sometimes kids will get really fast, aggressive ear infections and the ear drum blows from all of the pressure. Ooookay. The doctor also noticed a rash on Abby that's usually indicative of sepsis so she had to get a whole mess of blood work done, and get two big antibiotic shots, one in each leg.

On Thursday, her fever was gone, and she was fine, but a little irritable until one point in the morning when she collapsed screaming for like 20 minutes straight and was completely unconsolable. As this was a symptom of further trouble to look for, Linda brought her back to the doctor. The doctor called the Center for Infectious Diseases to make sure Abby didn't have some strange jungle virus (she doesn't) and Abby got more antibiotic shots. The rash was still there, but hadn't spread, which pretty much ruled out sepsis, and the CID said that sometimes when kids get the flu, or other viruses, they can get the rash. The doctor said that it's possible she got the flu, plus the hand foot thingy, plus an ear infection, plus some other unknown infection. When this kid gets sick, she gets sick.

On Friday she was somewhat irritable but no fever, no exploding parts and she was eating more.

Saturday, Sunday and Monday found her more irritable than usual and with a slightly elevated temperature which we attribute to the fact that she's cutting her last tooth. Not the most convenient time for this tooth to make an appearance as the elevated temperature made us think she was having a relapse, but given that she's a) still on antibiotics, b) in a much better mood, c) eating normally and d) showing the signs of the tooth protruding from the gum, we're taking it as business as usual for a teething child. This is a good thing as neither one of us could take any more of her being sick, and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want to be sick any more either.

It's dissappointing that all of my holiday vacation was taken up by a sick child, and that Linda's holiday vacation was taken up by getting ready for Christmas and then a sick child, but it has taught me a valuable lesson, which is to never, ever, ever save up all of your vacation until the end of the year. It's better to spread it out over the calendar year so that your kids can get sick once per season. In fact, it's probably better to never take any time off at all. While it means you'll never take a vacation, it also means that your kids will never get sick. Once the kids are in school, rather than daycare, I think we'll be able to take time off as long as it corresponds to their breaks, as kids rarely get sick and wreck their own shit.

All in all, I'm glad that Abby is feeling better and glad that the break is over. I'm hesitant to say that now we can all just be normal for fear that the bubonic plague is just waiting to come back in one of my children. Instead I'll say that I'm glad the Earth is still orbiting the sun. That way, if that changes as a result of these words, at least I'll take all of you down with me.

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas!

To all of you who take time out of your day to come and read about my silly corner of the world, I wish you the happiest of holidays and the merriest of Christmases. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for spending the past year with me and look forward to entertaining you next year. Yes, I'm going to actually try and entertain you.

May your holiday be a safe and happy one.

-Brandon (SuburbanJoe)

Couch Surfing

 Posted from the Wii's brand new Internet Channel. Huzzah!

Microphone Check

I apologize for my absence. I'm working on our annual end of the year DVD to send to all of the relatives and editing it's been a bit of a bitch. I get a little anal about these things so it's important I get things right, lest I'm up all night worrying over whether or not I've picked the right title or the right transition or what have you. As it is, I'm concerned the audio levels aren't correct as Premiere Elements doesn't have a way of picking all of the audio in the project and equalizing it out. At least version 2.0 doesn't. The little it I watched on Sunday morning, after burning a rough cut caused my laptops speakers to explode at one point, so I'm thinking some reworking will be in order.

In other news, rather than continuing to brave the barren wasteland of Christmas shopping traffic in search of additional Transformers, I took my business online and scored a Classics Deluxe Grimlock and Mirage from KBToys.com. Apparently in the rush to shop at all the cool online places like Amazon and Toys R Us online, folks have completely forgotten all about good old KB Toys. Not me though, and because of this, I have reaped the rewards. The completest in me is clamoring to pick up the Classics Deluxe version of Bumblebee and Astrotrain as well, but the rest of me knows how unbelievably lame both of those Transformers are and is repeatedly giving said completest wedgies until it shuts the hell up.

This is what I spent part of my day looking at today. As my company is a small one, it relies on employees to wear multiple hats. Today I wore the "voice talent for a marketing flash demo" hat. Yes, that's right, your humble host here has made his first tentative steps into the high flying world of Hollywood voice over work. Soon the world will know me by name, well, by voice anyways, and all of America will be in the thrall of the man who voiced random post closing dude in our company's flash overview thingy.

As I'm not one for the flash and pretentiousness of a limousine, I opted to drive myself and my costar to the studio where all of the magic happens. It's a pretty damn big place and they do all sorts of audio, video, post production, effects work and other A/V wizardry. Being that I'm a creative type, I can't be bogged down with all of that Poindexter mumbo jumbo. I just show up and shine.

And shine I did. When we arrived at the studio, I was dismayed to see that they had neither the Peruvian spring water I requested, nor the green almond M&M's, nor Kristen Bell's home phone number. In the future, I'll have my agent speak to these people ahead of time to ensure that my demands are met as I can't be bothered with worrying that I'll have neither adequate beverages nor snacks. Doing voice work is extremely difficult work, and if I have to be concerned where my water came from, well the performance just won't be genuine.

I managed to say my lines without completely screwing them up, and while I won't be winning any awards for my work, I think I did OK. I could tell that there's a pretty big difference between reading a line with the proper inflection to get a point across, which is what I did, and actually acting using only your voice, which is what people who do this for a living do. I mean, sure, I got across the feelings of loss and loneliness that comes with not having an integrated document management solution and the eventual triumph and exultation that comes with obtaining such a system, but really, anyone could have done that. I was hoping to provide a layered performance of vulnerability touched with strength and a hint of whimsy but that's kind of hard to convey in two lines. Lines about software no less.

One thing I learned is that if someone asks you to say a line with an emphasis on a certain word in the line, it is then impossible for you to not emphasize the same word in subsequent readings, even when asked to no longer emphasize the word. In my case, the last few words were something like "we even lost points at funding." Here's how it went down.

Me: ...we even lost points at funding.
Marketing guy: Ok, that's great, but let's put an emphasis on the word "lost".
Me: Ok...we even lost points at funding.
Marketing guy: Good, good, try it again.
Me: ...we even lost points at funding.
Marketing guy: Umm, let's go back to before. Don't emphasize "lost" any more.
Me: ...we even lost points at funding.
Marketing guy: Great, but let's not emphasize "lost".
Me: ...we even LOST points at funding.
Marketing guy: Again, let's not emphasize "lost" any more.
Me: LOST! LOST! LOST! L-O-S-T! LOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOST!!!!
Marketing guy: Alright, cut!

Try it yourself at home. It's impossible. I managed to nail the second line in 3 takes, so I felt pretty good about myself, despite me committing the recording faux pas of having my phone ring twice, during the recording session. Some people don't take the hint of being sent right to voice mail. Amateurs.

I don't expect to ever have to do anything like this again, but I would in a second as it was a ton of fun and certainly a nice change from the monotony of software testing. I've always admired people who do voice over work, as in games anyway, the difference between good voice work and shitty voice work makes a tremendous difference in the game playing experience. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be act with nothing but a script and a microphone while someone gives you directions like "your character is feeling ennui with a bit of prideful lust." Those people probably take years of specialized deemphasizing training. Years.

Unacceptable!

I'm not quite sure how the Autobots escaped from the certain peril of just a few days ago, but this is the site that greeted me upon returning to work this morning. Obviously I can't condone the execution style retribution killing of one's enemies, especially in the workplace, so after relieving Optimus of his armaments, I sat everyone down and we had a long chat. We talked about how we don't shoot our friends and that we should all use our words to work out our differences. Luckily Starscream's spark is indestructible so it only took a little flanagaling to get him back up and operational. Folks didn't seem especially open to my talks to end the hostilities so I forced them to all transform into their vehicle modes to at least reduce the number of guns. Granted, Megatron is one big gun, but without anything to wield him, he's pretty harmless. To be safe, I pointed him at the corner.

Kids these days. I swear.

Oh Noes!!!

Well, as you can see Optimus and Megatron have joined our little family and already tensions are on the rise. I'm not sure how Megatron got the jump on Optimus and Hot Rod, but hoo-boy, those two sure are in a pickle. Unlike in the cartoons, the figures don't seem to be able to change size at will, so Starscream can't wield Megatron's "vehicle" form. Nevertheless, he still manages to help out in his own way. I don't know how Optimus and Hot Rod will get themselves out of this one. Stay tuned!

Megatron has, by far, the coolest alternate form. The trigger doesn't have quite enough space for repeated pullings, so you better make that first shot count. Linda said that it's because these are made for children, which is just a ridiculous notion. I mean, since when does Timmy, the local 8 year old have the money for something like 18 Optimus Prime variants at 50 bucks a pop? Plus, it's not like Timmy can drive himself to Botcon. In robot form, Megatron isn't as imposing, what with the wings and everything, but he's a lot more poseable than the version I had as a kid, so I'm OK with it. Optimus is the badass we all know and love, and his truck form is solid. As an extra bonus, his hands fold out, rather than having to be added post transformation. I always thought that was odd as a kid. I mean, how can someone without hands have the dexterity to install their own hands? It boggles the mind. Like Megatron, Optimus is a lot more poseable than the one I had as a kid, so this makes up for the lack of a trailer. As they should be, both leaders are bigger than their subordinates.

I saw that in addition to the Classics figures I already have, there's a Classics Grimlock out there. Oh yes, he shall be mine. Him and Mirage, and then I'm done with the Classics line. Well, until they come out with more of them, that is. I'm still on the lookout for Wing Saber, yet at the same time, I'm not sure he'd fit in. I mean that quite literally. He's fucking huge. This also marks the end of my repeated ramblings on the subject, for now anyways. Oh sure, I'll still post pictures about their robotic shenanigans, but I'll try and keep the blatherings to a minimum.

In other news, I'm still playing Zelda and am still loving it. I just recently figured out a way to attack as a wolf and not look like an epileptic husky. And it only took me 11 hours of playing to do so! I'm not entirely convinced that Midna is on the up and up, but at this point, I'm held hostage to her twilightian mechanizations. I'll be sure to keep you informed of any treachery.

Oh, It Is So On

As you can see from the above picture, Hot Rod, wait, I'm sorry, Rodimus, has joined the party. I'm not sure what the point of renaming him is as these are supposed to be "classic" Transformers, and if that's the case, he's Hot Rod. Maybe he could be Rodimus Prime, but seeing how Optimus Prime is also around in this toy line, that would make for some very embarassing social situations. Optimus would be all like "we should go here and do this" and everyone would be following him and no one would be following Rodimus and eventually Rodimus would get all sullen and huffy and Optimus would have to put him in charge of something meaningless like getting take-out just to get him so shut up.

Yes I'm aware that there was an Energon Transformer named Rodimus-just-Rodimus, however he transformed into a big rig cab and this Rodimus transforms into a race car, hence me calling him Hot Rod.

But I digress. I'm sure him and Starscream are having some very interesting conversations what with one being a coward and the other being a brash, headstrong warrior. They're also mortal enemies, which probably helps to spice things up. I see the conversation going like this:

Starscream: So tell me, what was it like to be responsible for the death of your beloved leader?
Hot Rod: No worse than being disintegrated at your own coronation. How'd you manage to put all that together anyways? I thought Skywarp was the brains of the operation.
Starscream: That was a production run issue! My intelligence rating is higher!
Hot Rod: I'm sorry I can't hear you over all of the retreating.

Ha! Good stuff. I saw that the classic Optimus Prime and Megatron are on sale this week, so I'm tempted to purchase them as well but then the infighting is only going to get worse. I've been lambasted by my coworkers for not having Optimus around, but all the ones I've seen so far are like 50 bucksHa! Good stuff. I've seen classics Optimus and Megatron on sale and are 9 feet tall. the mix. I have issues with the scale of the various Transformers as it is without bringing a XXL Optimus Prime intoI'm ok with Megatron now being a raygun instead of a Walther P-38 handgun as despite my continued bias against children of any size and/or shape, I certainly don't want some kid being shot by a cop for assault with a deadly Decepticon. Megatron would complicate matters too, as he's the only one I'd want to keep around in "vehicle" form, due to it looking so badass, and such a good compliment to my Nerf weaponry. If they could somehow make a Megatron that was also a working Nerf pistol, well, I'd probably pass out from joy.

Finally, no that is not real coffee my daughter is drinking in today's earlier post. She does perfectly well not sleeping on her own without the benefit of stimulants, than you very much. When we went out to eat yesterday, they were out of kids' cups, so we got the kids water in coffee cups. The resulting photographical shenanigans were just too much to resist. Please don't call child services on us.

Naps? Who has time for naps?

Seriously, I don't have time for this nap bullshit. I have time for coffee and that's about it. I have some new words to learn, I'm trying to figure out what things are colored red and at some point today, I need to fill my pants. Maybe you have time for naps, but where I come from, it's either win or go home. I hate to drink and run, but these shapes aren't going to sort themselves.

Starscream says "Happy Friday!"

He also said to say, "Retreat!"

Playing With My Wii

Now that I've had more time to spend with the Wii, I'm prepared to offer some additional thoughts on the subject. Gather the children for lo I am about to speak!

I can't say which company will end out on top when this latest generation's battle is over, however I can say that playing games on the Wii is probably the most fun I've had playing video games in some time. There's something joyous about doing simple movements and then seeing those movements replicated on screen that can't be experienced on the other consoles. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy playing Gears of War, and Uno and sneaking around as a corporate whore, both on and off of the 360, however playing Zelda on the Wii is just way more fun.

Now, it could be that it's because I'm playing Zelda and Zelda has always had a special place in my heart. Before we adopted my son, I bought Wind Waker for the Gamecube and told myself that if I could just play a little Zelda before I went on a continent spanning journey to obtain an heir, I'd be happy. At the time, I thought that once I came home with a child, all video game playing would cease, so even a little Zelda would be better than no Zelda at all. Foolish, I know, but you try preparing to go halfway around the world and become a parent at the same time and see how rational your thinking is. I remember playing Zelda downstairs while my wife and her parents waited upstairs for me to finish so that we could go to the airport. Something about riding in my little red boat, searching for sunken chests and the next island to explore gave me great calm before my own trip. Besides, if this little dude in a green tunic can rescue an entire world from evil, surely I can handle a 7 month old child. When we were in Russia, I spent the time in the Wan (not a typo) playing A Link to the Past on my GBA SP, and again, were it not for Zelda all I would have had were my thoughts of potential parental failures and a slight case of nausea brought on by the infernal smell of that place.

Based on this, I can recognize that I'm not entirely objective when it comes to Zelda, however at the same time, these games kick a tremendous amount of ass, regardless of the personal baggage you bring with you on your journey. The game's art direction is something to behold, with the Twilight portions being particularly impressive. When in the Twilight Lands, or whatever they're called, everything has a somewhat blurred, intangible look, with washed out colors and pieces of ash constantly floating up from the ground to the sky. Once you return the light to whatever area you're in, the colors are strong and vibrant and each person has a distinct personality that comes through in their character design. This is particularly important given that there's no voice acting to portray personality. Zelda games have always had somewhat goofy yet completely endearing character design for the various folks you meet along the way and this game is spot on in that regard.

The control scheme works very well. I took a short break from Zelda to play Gears of War the other night and was surprised to see how much I missed being able to control my character with a flick of the wrist, or a shake of the controller. I also missed the ability to use my controller as a pointer of sorts for shooting, as once you have the ability to do that with the Wii, you'll hate going back to the dual stick mode of aiming. Locking on to multiple targets with Link's boomerang is so much easier than it used to be with the Gamecube's klugy C-stick. It's unfortunate that the current crop of shooters for the Wii have been knocked for not having enough content (Call of Duty 3) or just being generally mediocre (Red Steel) because the limited time I've spend shooting things in Zelda has opened my eyes to how much a shooter would kick ass on this platform. I have high hopes for Metroid Prime Corruption as I seriously doubt that Nintendo would allow one of their premiere franchises fail on their shiny new console. That and Retro Studio's talents are such that they could coax life from the cold, unforgiving rock of a barren planet.

Everything isn't perfect with Zelda as I find that in wolf form, attacking is a somewhat haphazard affair filled with me spazzing out and barking like some sort of enraged rottweiler. The speaker on the Wiimote is not quite up to the task, so while it's cute to hear the various Zelda sounds that designate progress coming from your controller, the speaker makes it sound like your Wiimote is calling you from a third world payphone. These are minor problems and in no way reduce your enjoyment of the game but they are "growth points" for the next game in the series.

Wii Sports continues to mock my lack of fitness by giving me an ever increasing Fitness Age. At the rate I'm going, I'm afraid Nintendo is going to disable my Wii remotely for fear that my heart will explode under the stress of trying to hit multiple home runs. The wife and I played some Super Monkey Ball, but because of the shortage of controllers, we were limited to the mini games that had alternating play. The Hammer Throw mini game is an inspired piece of game design. Darts is a mockery of all that is good and pure in the world. With 50+ mini games some are going to be great, and some will be less that great. I'm dissappointed that Monkey Target is a simultaneous play game as the original Monkey Target from Super Monkey Ball was one of the greatest minigames of all time, and it was alternating. Why they had to mess with perfection is beyond me. The single player game is a great deal of fun, and the Wiimote works beautifully for controlling your monkey. The single player game now has boss battles, which seems out of place for a puzzle game. I've only encountered one of these bosses, and quickly dispatched him by using my monkey's protective shell to cave in the boss's skull. Rated E for everyone!

I'm hoping that Nintendo has arranged for a steady stream of titles for this console, as I'd hate to see it go the way of the 'Cube with it's thrice yearly releases. So far it appears that there's plenty on the horizon for it, but I would like to see some more meaty offerings to counter the minigame collections. Don't get me wrong, I love minigames, but sometimes I want a story to go along with my gameplay. I'm funny that way.

As I said before, I have no idea who will win this console war, but I'm having more fun than ever playing games, and when that happens, we all win. Well, at least I win, and really, that's all I'm concerned with.