The Copemeister

As my recent posts show, I spent Saturday night at the Citizen Cope show. Despite the fact that I spent 4 hours at the blasted place, it was an awesome show.

For those of you unclear with the modern concert going experience, allow me to illuminate the goings-ons. First you go online and buy tickets, complete with massive processing fee and shipping fee and other related bullshit fees that make a 20 buck ticket cost somewhere near 4.7 billion dollars. Then, the tickets come and you see printed right on it, "doors open at 8" which is code for "show starts sometime mid-23rd century."

But, being the good little concert goer you are, you get there for close to 8 because even though you know with every fiber of your being that the show won't start anywhere close to 8 PM, you're a hopeful sort. You get there and see that there's parking right under the theatre, wahey, but it's more than double what you usually pay when you park downtown, boo-hoo. Unfortunately, you don't know the area very well and even though your super cool van can get you home from even the deepest reaches of the oceans, you fear getting lost in a hellish nightmare of one-way streets and panhandling hobos. You pay the 15 bucks and head up to wait in line.

This being an all ages show, you're surrounded by teenagers which do nothing but make you think ahead to when your kids are teenagers and you have to sit your daughter down and tell her that only when the blackist, hottest pits of hades are touched with the icy finger of winter will you let her venture out into the world dressed like a whoring slut monkey. As you look around at everyone who apparantly walked out of either a J Crew or Hollister catalog, you look down at your own Nintendo t-shirt and Old Navy cargo shorts and feel as if perhaps there was something else printed on the ticket in regards to a dress code and you just missed it. You think back to when you were younger and single and used to go to rock shows and how it never occurred to you that perhaps you should dress nicely because you might meet someone there. Then you remember that you used to go to rock shows with Pete Childs and he used to make you smuggle a microphone in your pants so that he could illegally tape the Robert Plant show.

Eventually you make it inside, check out the merch table with it's substandard selection of t-shirts and then find your seat. The concert hall was very nice and small so there really weren't any bad seats. Plus there was ample floor space for those that wanted to rock out on the floor, thereby enabling those of us who were tired from day 2 of their son's birthday weekend to sit and be mellow. Usually I dance at shows, but not that night. I was tired, and I wanted to just sit. Thankfully, for the most part I could, except for the times where all of the teenage girls in front of me kept getting up to go to the floor and then coming back and then going and then coming back and then texting their friends on the floor so that they could find them when they went and on and on and on.

At 9:30, Alice Smith took the stage with Cope's band. She's a very good soul singer. Great pipes, nice stage presence, good songs, the whole nine yards. The only annoying thing was that they did this echo, reverb thingy on her voice when she held notes at the end of her songs. I would have preferred she just sang, but that's just me. If you see thet she's coming to your town, perhaps in a headlining for Cope capacity, and you like funky soul music and great vocals, I highly recommend seeing her. Her album dropped at the beginning of September, so perhaps some Googling might be in order.

Finally, at around 10:30, Cope took the stage. Most of the stuff he played was from his last album, not his new one, which I thought was kind of strange. He did play "Brother Lee" from the new joint, which is one of my favorite Cope songs evar and did a fucking awesome job on it as well. His band was really talented with not just one, but two guys on keyboards. When they played "Son's Gonna Rise", to much crowd excitement by the way, they traded in the guitar solor for some pretty badass organ/keyboard work giving the song a whole different sound but not reducing the intensity one bit. It was really quite impressive.

Once the show was over, I left so that I could watch the encores from the stairwell, thereby allowing me easy access to the parking garage. The garage's layout was such that I knew that waiting until the show was completely over would result in me being trapped there for all eternity so I decided to trade a little of my rock soul in for a quick departure. I watched pretty much all of the encore, until the usher told me I couldn't stand in the stairwell anymore. I took that as a sign that the show was about to end and hightailed it on out of there. In truth, by that time, I had heard all the songs I wanted to, including "Picasso's Theme", "Penitentiary" and "D'Artagnan's Theme" so I was satisfied. Plus, at this point it was after midnight and I had been there for 4 hours. I was tired and had a 30 minute drive ahead of me, so I bid Cope, the theatre and the pimped out teenyboppers adieu.

Despite all of my complaining, I had a great time and heard some really good music, so it was all worth it. I would definitely go back to see a show there as it's a nice theatre and all of the seats are great. Maybe I'll even dance next time. To answer Andy's question, yes I was photo blogging from my fancy doodad wotsit directly from the show, and yes, it was dope. That's me, dope at Cope. Heh-heh-heh.

Encore

Damn good show, but it's late and I'm frakkin' exhausted. More on Monday.

Soultastic!

10:15 and still no Cope, but at least Alice Smith was good.

The Hermit Leaves His Cave

Looky here. I'm actually out on a Saturday night.

Here's the stage, pre-Cope. Wahey!

The Waiting

Ah waiting. Oh how I hate it as I'm terrible at it. I have so very little patience to wait for anything that I'm remotely interested in. It's really quite annoying to live with myself. Truly.

Last night I finished up watching season 2.5 of Battlestar Galactica, so now, not only am I waiting for the new season to start on October 6th, but I'll have to wait a week in between episodes. Television on DVD is a wonderful thing, until such time as you have to switch over to watching episodes as they are broadcast. Oh sure, I could record all the episodes as they're broadcast and then watch them one after another, or wait for the season to beon DVD again, but this is a 20 episode season we're talking about, so without any breaks for the holidays, you're talking 5 months. That would kill me, especially in these spoiler laden times when you can find out who gets killed on Desperate Housewives by reading the back of a cereal box. Plus, I've never been one for delayed gratification, so if the episode is on the Tivo, by God, I'm going to watch it as soon as I can. I might not even wait for it to finish recording, instead just giving myself enough of a buffer to allow me to zip past commercials.

I am also waiting for the Gamestop, or Electronics Boutique to start taking Wii preorders. I'm sure that Nintendo will have plenty of units at launch, so I can probably get one on the 19th, but I'm neither a young man, nor someone who wants to drag his family all over town so my desire for launch day shenanigans is pretty much zero. I realize it's silly to assume that preordering will guarantee me a unit, given the 360 fiasco, however the fact that the stores don't even know if they'll be taking preorders until they find out how many units they'll be getting leads me to believe that if you put your money down, you'll get one, short of a tragic accident involving a freighter full of Wii and a coral reef. Preordering at a games store also allows me to trade stuff in towards the price, thereby reducing my out of pocket expense, but I can assure you that I have run various scenarios (scenarii?) involving a combination of vendors and all allow me to take advantage of the trade scene in some fashion. Don't you worry about that. In reality though, preordering gives me something, even if it's just a receipt, that says "the Wii is coming". I'm so excited for this console that the next 7 weeks will be hellish without some sort of activity to ensure my upcoming Wii-ness.

Guitar Hero 2 is officially coming for the 360, complete with it's own controller. Now it becomes a matter of when. The version for the PS2 comes out at the end of October (the 24th I believe) with the 360 version following in 07. I've said before that I'd happily buy both versions, however I'm somewhat less happy about having to buy another guitar so if 07 meant January, I'd probably wait, despite how painful it would be to do so. My understanding is that a 5 song demo disc will be released with some sort of PS2 magazine soon, so that could very easily hold me over, especially considering how my lull from rocking out will no doubt result in a slide backwards. If 07 means March or April though, well, I'm as free as a bird now, and this bird you can not change. I'm dissappointed that the 360 axe isn't wireless, but at the same time, if I do have to end up buying another guitar, anything to keep the price down will be appreciated. Now all I need to do is make friends with someone local who wants to rock the double Skynard solo. I'm not sure what the etiquette is for concurrent solos as to whether you solo axe to axe, or leaning back to back, or you stand on one side of the stage doing your thing and your partner does the same on their side. I would think that not working that out ahead of time could have disastrous long term consequences but I have no concrete evidence to support this. The members of Poison always seemed wary of CeCe, but that could be because he was, well, CeCe.

Now that it's Friday and this week's bowling is behind me, I now have to wait another whole week until I can try again to break the league triple digit mark, or the LTD. Bowling over 100 when it's just you and the snack bar guy to mark your progress don't mean shit if you can't then parlay that score into something that helps your team. I'm making progress, up to a 93 avg for today's games, from an 80-something last week, but the 100 pt mark is proving to be elusive. Thankfully, my teammates bowled in the subpar range as well, so I'm not dragging the average down. Not too much anyways. At this rate of improvement, next Friday may be the week. Fingers crossed.

So Sorry

I apologize for the lack of a post on Wednesday. My breakfast of choice ended up being a sleeper cell of gastroenterological terrorism. I think we have weeded out all of the insurgents and sent them to the bowels of my septic tank. We'll see. Friday I shall return with a post of unimagineable postitude.

Triple D

Today I bowled a 122, only the second time in my recently started bowling career that I cracked the elusive triple digit mark. Is it a coincidence that this attainment of such a lofty goal occurred upon taking ownership of Pinslayer? I say nay, however you may choose to believe differently at your own peril. Part of what allowed me to enter the Triple Digit Club, or as we in bowling circles call, Chez TD, is that I bowled alone, unfettered by the heavy eyes of my coworkers/teammates. They are better bowlers than I am, easily obtaining scores in the 140 - 150 range, while I act as the team anchor however not in a steadying capacity, but more in a drag us to the bottom of the ocean capacity. In order to realize my full bowling potential I needed to be away from prying eyes, free of the burdens of their expectations. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of showing them the proof of my new found success, in the form of scoreboard picturephonery so I fear that in their mind, Friday's match has already been won. I can only hope that I can rise to their level, become the bowler they wish, nay, they need me to be and deliver them victory. Pinslayer deserves no less.

This weekend our house was turned into some sort of Critter Corner. On Saturday, as we frolicked in the front yard, and I attempted to teach my son how to catch a football, a fruitless endeavor for those keeping track at home, we were ignorant of the danger that lay in our midst. Just a short distance from us, under a bush, awaited a rabbit, and not just any rabbit, but a pretty goddamned dead rabbit. Luckily, despite jumping 10 feet away from the bush, as if Sasquatch itself emerged from the leafy shadows, my kids thought I was just being silly, or having another one of my usual uncoordinated tripping spells and we were able to spare them the sight of the Velveteen Homicide. I called animal control, as I would imagine that they would want to know if the rabbit died of rabies and I sure as hell don't know how to get rid of the thing, but they weren't around and a bunny corpse didn't seem quite like an emergency even in a town with a crime blotter filled with nothing but cases of dirty looks and harsh language. Instead, I was told to call back on Sunday. I figured the rabbit wasn't going anywhere, a notion that proved to be somewhat on the wildly incorrect side. The next morning, I checked his resting place and our friend was nowhere to be found. Great. As if having a rabbit on the property wasn't enough, now we have zombie rabbits. I'm hoping they eat only rabbit brains, and not human brains. I'm really not sure how this whole thing works. I'll keep you appraised.

On Sunday while I stayed at home with Abby, Linda and Ben went to the grocery store. At least they tried to, but there was a 3ft black rat snake hanging out behind Linda's car. I'm pretty sure it's the same one that used to hang out on the stoop, and may be the same one that left a good sized snake skin in our basement. Size wise, it was similar anyways. Not being one to shy away from a good snake handling, I donned my trusty leather gloves, picked our friend up and relocated him to another part of the yard. Now, lest you think I'm some sort of idiot who just picks up random snakes, I have a field guide to this state's snakes, complete with bunches of color photos, so I knew this snake wasn't poisonous. The leather gloves, and my keen handling of our scaly friend meant that were he to try and strike my forearm, he wouldn't be able to. It was an interesting experience. They're quite wily, those snakes and can move fairly quickly so that one second you're holding it behind it's head and the next you're holding it at it's midpoint. Granted, I didn't want to crush the poor thing, so I was unclear as to how much pressure I could put on it, but still. For the record, I wanted to bring it farther away from the house, but once I was only holding it at its midpoint, and the tender flesh of my forearm was well within striking range, Mr. Snake and I bid each other farewell. As I said, I would have wanted to bring him to the woods where food was probably more plentiful, however snakes don't respond well to soothing tones, so he was unclear as to my benevolent intent. Hopefully he was able to find something to eat in the holly trees on our property line. I think there's an Arby's in there run by chipmunks.

As you can tell, it's been a busy few days, what with the zombie rabbits, snake handling and stratospheric bowling scores. I can only hope that the rest of the week is sedate in comparison. Just to be safe, I'm putting out some carrots in the hopes that I can lure some more rabbits to the house. Better to give the zombie something to eat than make him look for something. Or someone.

Morning Visitor

Good morning Ms. Mantis. Please don't forget to sign in at the security desk. Thank you.

The Science of Blah

When I cracked open my handy-dandy list of science questions, I was greeted with a collection of questions that will take more than an afternoon of research. As a result of my poor planning, the science post is on break for this week. Truth be told, I'm starting to run out of questions so this hiatus may run for longer than one week at some point in the future. Not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, I can always do science stuff whenever I want to, as I do own this place (well rent is probably a more accurate term) but on the other hand, I like the schedule we've got going here. Also, I don't have an interesting enough life to fill up both Monday and Wednesday with my exploits. I may have to start making shit up.

It was confirmed today that Red Octane will be bringing Guitar Hero 2 to "every significant format" in 2007. Yay! Not sure how Guitar Hero would work on the DS and I know Activision isn't saying that the DS is insignificant, but I'm sure they'll work something out. Now, does this mean that I'll hold out on purchasing GH2 in November so that I only have to buy it once for the 360? Um, that would be no. I am more than happy to put money in Red Octane's coffers so that they continue to make these wonderful games. Plus, I'm sure the song list will be slightly different on each console to ensure that there's some miniscule rationale for multiple purchases. I hope that somehow I can use my PS2 guitar with the 360, but I would be ok with not being able to if I can have a wireless guitar.

That's about all I have. Enjoy your Windsday.

Bowl-A-Rama

Friday was my first day in our work's bowling league. Yes, that's right, I said bowling league. Save your mocking, as there will be plenty of opportunities for that as I delve further into my ten pin experiences.

My work is somewhat obsessed with bowling. Despite the fact that they're all not 65 year old men named Frank or Lumpy or Lumpy Frank, they're quite enamored with the sport. My two teammates not only bowl, but hook bowl and are more than happy to illuminate the differences between straight bowling, which is what I do, and hook bowling, which is what they do. Along with differences in form, how the ball is built, how it's drilled and how it's held, the main difference is that when they bowl, they knock down pins and when I bowl, I don't.

Given that I'm down for any sport I can take part in while eating chili fries, I was more than happy to join the league. For 40 bucks you get to bowl two games a week for four weeks and then when you're done, you get a free ball, custom drilled to your exact specifications, as long as your exact specifications involve you being a straight bowler. The finger tip grip that is the bread and butter of the hook bowler apparantly costs around 20 bucks more. I declined this option as I felt adding hooking to my repertoire was not only physically dangerous but too grammatically ambiguous to be considered safe. I have discussed my ball before, and you'll be happy to know that Pinslayer is being forged in the pits of Mount Doom as we speak, its polyester coverstock being polished to a high gloss, destructive sheen. Look upon my ball ye mighty, and despair.

As I have not bowled in years, I was looking to do two things. First was to break 50 in at least one game. Second was to not injure or embarass myself. I figured it was a safe bet to lump the two together as I'm pretty sure any injury that occurs at a bowling alley would be pretty fucking embarassing, short of an injury obtained while foiling a robbery. You'll be happy to learn that I succeeded on the scoring front, and somewhat succeeded on the injury front. I say somewhat because while I did not leave the bowling alley with an apparant injury, it did not take long for both my right shoulder and my left quadriceps to feel as if they had been injected with living flame. Only today has the pain in my leg subsided to where I can walk normally, or at least what passes as normal for me. Yes, it's true, I am too out of shape to bowl. When I say this line, I am reminded of the "I'm too lazy to fish" line from Brian Regan's routine and it makes me giggle.

I am not the only person who has experienced bowling pain as my boss told me that my quads would soon be incomprehensibly sore. I can understand the shoulder as I bowl with a 15 pound ball, or as we say in the bowling biz, a 15 pound ball, and swinging a 15 pound weight 20 times over 2 games would make anyone sore. The quads were completley surprising, however given that when bowling, you drop down as if doing a squat thrust, always on the same leg, it kind of makes sense. My quads did not seem to care whether or not I understood where their discomfort came from and were more than happy to express their unhappiness with the situation for the entire weekend. I'm hoping that subsequent, regular trips to the lanes will condition me so that I am no longer incapacitated after a league meeting. I'm also hoping that the ensuing massive development in my right shoulder and left thigh will somehow balance out and I don't end up walking with a pronounced tilt to one side or another.

I ended up with a 75 average over the two games, scoring 68 on the first and 81 on the other. I opened up strong with a strike on the first frame of my first game. For a brief, shining moment, I thought I was some sort of bowling savant and I'd be rolling strikes all game long. Then, for my second frame, I stepped over the foul line and the ensuing buzzer sound echoed through the bowling alley, carrying my hopes for bowling excellence with it. My third frame was two gutters in a row, so frazzled was I. I managed to get it together, however I think it's safe to say that the leaderboard of the PBA is safe from my intrusion.

This comes at the right time as I'm starting to get a little bigger around the middle than I am entirely comfortable with, and I am loathe to exercise. Bowling, while not on par with running or biking, for exercise, will allow me to get some form of physical exertion into my day while at the same time, watch cheesy CGI animations of bowling balls mowing down terrified pins. As long as I stay away from the aforementioned chili fries, we should make some headway towards losing a few pounds. Plus, I seem to not completely suck at it, unlike most sports, so my initial level of confidence is higher than if I decided to take up, say hockey. I'm sure this week I'll bowl somewhere in the low thirties and all of this will be for nothing, but until then, I'm staying optimistic. It's only a matter of time before I'll be hooking with the best of them.

Wii-vealed

All the details for the Wii have come to light and they lay before us, glistening with morning dew. Price is $250, or $249.99 if you want to be entirely correct. Date is November 19th, a scant two days after the PS3 launch. In a move that can only be described as "old school" they are bundling Wii Sports with the game, so out of the box you can bowl, box, golf, play tennis and play baseball. The unit comes with one Wiimote (the standard controller) and a nunchuk FPS joystick thingy. Extra controllers are $40 for the Wiimote and $20 for the nunchuk. A classic NES type controller will cost something like 30 or 40 bucks, I don't remember.

As for the Virtual Console for old Nintendo games, NES games are like 4 or 5 bucks, SNES games are like 6 or 7 bucks and N64 games are 10 bucks. Nintendo points, or whatever they're calling the points, needed to buy games will be sold in stores like Microsoft Points, but at a more mathematically appealing ratio of 1 dollar equals 100 points. In Japan anyways, buying a 5000 point card will score you a NES style controller, so I'm sure they'll do the same thing here. Not sure if the 'Cube controllers will work with the virtual console games or not, but I'm leaning towards them not being compatible as they would be silly to deny themselves an extra source of accessory revenue, high accessory attachment rates being some sort of benchmark for success in this strange world we live in.

Something like 24 titles will be available at launch which includes the new Zelda and 23 other games I could care less about. That's not entirely true. Red Steel looks like it could be good, and I'm more than happy to forego the high polished sheen of the 360 version of Splinter Cell: Double Agent if the Wii version played well and would allow me to throw support to the new box at the same time. I am also willing to give up online co-op through Live on Marvel Alliance for the Wii version as the Wii version supports motion control for the Marvel heroes you pick for your adventuring. Yes, you read that right, motion control. That means that when you select Spidey and want to perform his move where you sling webs, entrap your enemy and fling your enemy into the open claws of a one Wol V. Rine, you do so with a combination of button pressing and arm flinging then quick switch over to Wolvie and make with the stabbing. I guess it says something about me that I will gladly forego contact with other humans so that I can pretend to be a superhero in my basement, but it's something that has been alluded to, if not said directly before. If somehow they could combine this with Guitar Hero 2 so that I could dispatch an enemy by throwing Cap's shield and then rip into the solo in "Sweet Child of Mine" I would pass out from sheer gaming bliss.

The Wii also will come with channels allowing your to surf the web, provided you pay for a browser, check the weather, and other, so far unmentioned things. Whatever. As a rule, I don't pay for browsers and I don't care about the weather, shunning the light of day for the warm, comforting glow of my basement's light bulbs. I'm not opposed to having it available on the box, but it's not something I would spend a lot of time talking about either.

As you can tell, I am very, very excited for this launch. I think Nintendo has done a very good job managing this launch, other than the name change, and are set up to do well with this console, provided a) the motion stuff is more than just a gimmick and b) hardware is available for any and all that want to buy one. I'm a little surprised that the price is north of $200, however the addition of a game certainly helps and I need to keep in mind that it was the slavering media that was pushing the $200 price, not Nintendo itself. I can't be dissappointed when something turns out to be true only in my wildest fantasies. It is my belief that Nintendo had two prices in mind, one where they'd probably take a hit on every console they sold ($200ish) and one where they didn't ($250) and they were simply waiting to see the price of the PS3 to decide which one to go with. The day of the PS3 pricing announcement was probably marked on Nintendo calendars as an annual holiday to celebrate from here until eternity, as it let them to price their console at a price that allows them to be profitable from day one and at the same time be $250 cheaper than the lowest priced PS3.

I'm sure that the pricing info and the Sony launch number information (400k units for the US at launch) also played into the Nintendo launch date. The PS3 will come out, immediately sell out as the hardcore gamers flock to stores and buy them, leaving store shelves a barren gaming wasteland. Just think back to November of last year when you tried to get a 360. Then, two days later, in comes the Wii, filling store shelves in time for Black Friday at a price that is half of a a PS3 and 150 less than a non-crippled 360. Now, this is assuming that Nintendo will have plenty of units on hand to sell, but seeing how there's nothing inherently next gen about it (unlike the PS3) and they're used to making consoles from non-off-the-shelf parts (unlike with the 360) I would be very, very surprised if they didn't have the Wii everywhere come Black Friday. Nintendo would have to be brimming with unadulterated stupidity to not see this holiday season as nothing but a massive opportunity to sell consoles and react with the right numbers. Sony seems to believe that people will buy their console regardless of the price, whenever folks can get their hands on it, and to a certain degree they're right. The Wii, on the other hand, is trying to get casual gamers, and non-gamers involved, and you can't do that if the only way you can get a Wii is to import it from Japan. If Nintendo can get themselves listed as one of the hot toys of the season and millions of people watch Matt Lauer and Meredith whoever play Wii Tennis on the Today show, they can, in the words of Fiddy, "sit back and watch the money pile up".

Personally I am thrilled with the addition of bowling to Wii Sports as I love a good bowling game, and that, coupled with golf and tennis all in one game will keep me playing forever. Zelda has looked good from day one and the inclusion of motion control for sword swinging only makes it better. I'll buy Red Steel if it ends up being good, however if reviews don't paint it as an enjoyable experience, I won't be bothered too much except to feel a pang of regret for the developers as from what I've read, they seem to have taken the user experience into account throughout the development cycle and made changes as necessary, which seems somewhat out of touch with how games are made these days. Trauma Center I already played, or lived through I should say, and I'd rather not do so again, partly because it was an incredible frustrating experience at times, and partly because it brings back memories of playing my DS at 3 in the morning in Russia due to insomnia fueled by a combination of jet lag and pre-child-meeting jitters.

Now that we have a launch date and price we have enacted a game buying moritorium in the household. Yes, that's right, no new games until the Wii launch. I have Splinter Cell for the 360 preordered and will make a decision as to what to do with that money when the time comes, but other than that, all game buying money will be put towards preordering the Wii. This also means that GRAW and Dead Rising will become casualties of the trade in war as they give up their souls so that I might have more money for my preorder. I figure all told, the launch day price will be about 340 as I'll be buying Zelda and another Wiimote for the wife. That's not factoring in the price of component cables, but seeing how I don't know that price, ignorance truly is bliss. I'm a little perturbed at the price of the controllers, as 60 bucks seems like a lot for a Wiimote + nunchuk combo, however I'm thinking that Nintendo is expecting most casual gamers to only need the Wiimote which is priced similar to first party controllers for other consoles. Add to this price tag the cost of Guitar Hero 2 when it comes out, and possibly Gears of War and you have one very expensive November. Most likely I'll skip Gears of War at launch as I'll have too much to do between shredding mad tracks and picking up spares, but at the same time, I don't want my 360 to feel left out. I also like CliffyB and his rakish wit.

The moritorium will be difficult as we approach the late October, early November time frame, however we must keep our eyes on the prize, or at least keep tabs on the prize, perhaps through some sort of prize monitoring system or prize nanny. Between Oblivion, Burnout, poker and Guitar Hero on the big screen front, Metroid, Tetris and Star Fox on the small screen front, not only will I have enough to keep me occupied, but every completed game is more cash towards the launch price. I have been happily avoiding all gaming for some time now as I get caught up on Battlestar Galactica, so I can also supplement game time with TV time as events warrant. Hopefully I'll actually get one at launch this time. I will head to the Stop of Game this afternoon to inquire about preordering and take the appropriate action. As a joke, I could also ask about preordering the PS3, however I would rather not be beaten about the head and neck with a copy of Game Informer, so I'll probably skip it.

When I started thinking about this post, I was going to address the folks on teh Intraweb whose job is to hate everything in existence and provide a rebuttal for their concerns, but then I realized that I don't give a flying fuck whether or not they buy a Wii, as if they don't there will be more out there for people who want to buy one and, by extension, like having fun. Most of their arguments are marinated in stupidity anyways, and handling said opinions, if only to turn them over to get a full understanding, would place their foul stench upon me and I prefer to stay my usual, sweet smelling self. So far, I am very impressed with how Nintendo has handled this launch and like to think this will continue until I see something that convinces me otherwise, rather than assume this is all some sort of fluke and failure looms on the horizon. I'll leave those dire predictions to others as they seem better suited to the task, what with their proven record of hating everything ever. I'll be over here, patiently waiting until November if you need me.

Not to Be Confused With Q*bert

Greetings Squaddies! Welcome back.

Today's question comes from Andy who asks:

What makes a quantum computer so different (and so much faster) than a
conventional computer?

For those old school individuals in the audience, I could make a joke that the quantum computers eat their Wheaties. Newer members to the consumer collective might appreciate it more if I said that the quantum computer slept in a Holiday Inn Express last night. Ha ha, ho ho, it is to laugh.

What makes quantum computers so different, and potentially so much faster (the key word being potentially) comes down to bits. Doesn't it always? Maybe not.

In a classical computer (the computers we know and love today) bits are the building blocks for a computer's instructions and contain either a 1 or a 0. The bits may be saved as a punch out on a punch card, or the magnetization on a hard drive or the charge on a capacitor's plate. By sequencing these bits together and putting them through various logic gates, computers can perform the instructions we ask them to. The thing to keep in mind here, and this will be important when we talk about quantum computers, is that in a classical computer, a bit is either a 1 or a 0 which means that if you have a 1 and you need a 0 you need to do some transformation on it, through a logic gate for example, to do so.

Quantum computers, on the other hand, also uses bits, which also contain 1s and 0s, however due to the joy of quantum mechanics, namely superposition, a quantum bit, or qubit as they're called, can be a 1, a 0 and a superposition of the two all at the same time. Quantum mechanics gives you three bits for the price of one, cutting out the middleman and passing the savings directly on to you.

This superposition allows quantum computers to be exponentially faster than classical computers. Let's take a register that contains three bits. Such a register can have 8 possible values (2^3). With a classical computer, the register can only have one out of those 8 possible values in it at any one time. A quantum computer on the other hand, has all 8 values in the register at the same time. Not only can the quantum computer have all the numbers in the register at the same time, but operations can be performed on all 8 numbers at the same time. Let's say we have an extremely slow and simple computer that can perform an operation on a value in the register every second. For a classical computer it would take 8 seconds for every possible value in the register to have an operation performed upon it. A quantum computer could do the same operations in all possible values in one second. Now, you could get the classical computer to perform an operation on all possible values in the register in one second, provided you had 8 registers and each register had a unique value and had the operation performed upon it in parallel.

It is important to point out that a quantum computer can't do more things, or different things than a classical computer, it can just do them in less time and with less memory. Take factorization for example. If you were to take two very large prime numbers and multiply them together, it wouldn't take you, or a classical computer very long to come up with the answer. Now if we were to take the product of those two numbers and try and figure out what was multiplied with what to get that number, it would take you, and a classical computer much, much longer to do so. Many data encryption models are based on this fact. It is possible for a classical computer to factorize extremely large numbers, but the amount of time it would take to do so is so huge that the act may as well be impossible. For a quantum computer on the other hand, this would be a piece of cake, and in reality, should someone come up with a quantum computer tomorrow that had the same computational abilities as a classical computer, most data encryption and data security as we know it today would be kaput. We're talking some serious, black box in "Sneakers" kind of shit.

This doesn't mean that you have to cancel your Paypal account just yet, as we're a long way off from having such a functioning quantum computer. As we discussed in previous posts, as you increase the complexity of a quantum system, so does the chance that the system will interact with the outside environment and collapse into one state or another. In order for a quantum computer to approach the level of a classical computer, you'd need a pretty complex system with a pretty high risk of decoherence. Presently, I think the largest quantum computer has been either 5 or 7 qubits. Impressive, no doubt, but nothing you'll be playing Unreal Tournament 2007 on any time soon.

Will we see a quantum computer in our lifetimes? It's hard to say, as the present limitations are based on what we know of science today, and what we know of science today will be vastly different from what we know of science tomorrow. Personally, I'll be happy if we don't ever see one, because I have a hard enough time as it is explaining to my mother-in-law how to sort her email by sender without bringing quantum superposition into the conversation.

HowStuffWorks.com - How A Quantum Computer Will Work, Kevin Bonsor
The Quantum Computer - Jacob West, Cal Tech
Wikipedia - Quantum Computer
Centre for Quantum Computation - A short Introduction to Quantum Computation

This is the Monday Port

Forgive the lack of a clever title. My clever title subscription just ran out

It is an odd thing to think that September 11th was 5 years ago. A lot has happened since then, however I can still remember sitting at my kitchen table with Linda, eating KFC and listening to fighter jets scream over Dulles airport, not 5 minutes from our house. As if the jets weren't strange enough, they were the only planes in the sky, an oddity, given that we lived 5 minutes from an airport. Add to that, some of the terrorists boarded at Dulles and the oddity of it all is nigh insurmountable.

I'd like to say that the sweeping changes in our nation's policies have made us better prepared to deal with a disaster of similar magnitude, but Katrina cleared that notion up for us. How convenient that the one year anniversary of Katrina is so close to the anniversary of 9-11, so that we can see how woefully underprepared we still are. That's not to say that I think another attack will happen, I honestly have no idea. The combined intelligence forces have disrupted enough plots to make me think they're on top of their collective games, but at the same time, plots keep coming up for the various agencies to thwart. Nothing I can do, so I guess I'll just keep doing what I've been doing and live my life the way I've been living it, with nothing but paranoia and massive distrust for all I meet. Kidding.

Now that I've been at work a week, I find I'm fitting in quite well. Everyone is very nice and they expect you to get in there, get up to speed quickly and get to work. I can live with that. I'm having a bit of hard time understanding how all of the various parts of the product come together, but I'm sure in time it'll all come to me. I have joined their bowling league and today purchased shoes for this express purpose as a cost savings device. Imagine sneakers, but with felt on the soles and you have bowling shoes. A shirt has also been acquired. Not a bowling shirt per se, but one of close enough composition and color to have its intent understood. I only spent 7 dollars on it, so don't worry that I'm bankrupting my children's future so that I can dress in accordance with local bowling customs. I'm just trying to do my best to enjoy myself before I hit the lanes and make an utter fool of myself.

At the end of the 4 week league, I get my own ball, custom drilled for my fingers and fit to my palm to be my own, personal instrument of destruction. I have named it Pinslayer and will use it to cut a swath of devastation across any alley I come across. For now I shall limit it to bowling alleys, however there may come a time when I use it to thwart misdeeds in alleys of all sorts. Evildoers, beware, for the day of your reckoning is nigh, and it comes in the form of a 7-10 split.

My work environment has also rekindled my desire to acquire Nerf weaponry. I was originally inspired by this comic as reading it brought back pleasant memories of a time when a man and his Nerf Arrowstorm would rain foam hellfire down upon any who would dare oppose him. Ask those who used to work with me and they will tell you stories of a man who ruled all he saw with only his wits and his Arrowstorm to defend his holdings. Since then, I have worked at a few places, none of which seemed open to the idea of foam weaponry, but I believe a new day has dawned and the call to dart arms has gone out. It is imperative that I arm myself again, and the Maverick is just weapon for the job. While it doesn't have the stopping power, nor the intimidating presence of the Arrowstorm, I feel it's smaller profile and suction cup darts are better suited to my current workplace. Plus, best to not scare people off at this early point in my career. Undoubtedly my purchasing of such a weapon will spark an arms race and it is at that point I can pull out the heavy weaponry. There's no need to show all of my cards now, or some similar meaning poker reference.

I am dissappointed that the Maverick is not a semi-automatic weapon as the need to crank and fire keeps me from dual wielding effectively As a child of both Dungeons and Dragons and Bruce Willis movies, having each of my hands wrapped around cold, unforgiving steel is a notion as comforting as Christmas morning. I have heard that one can make modifications to increase the yield of their Nerf weaponry, however that is a level of dedication I am uncomfortable engaging in. Rest assured it also voids your warranty. For now, one weapon per person will have to suffice, but I will consider the Dremel as an appropriate course of action should the need to go John Woo on someone's ass arises. I shall keep you appraised of events as they unfold.

The Commanding of Foxes, Star and Otherwise

Greetings. Welcome to Friday's post. It will be rife with topics, so please try and bear with me. The majority of them will be gaming related, however structure and I have parted ways for today. You've been warned.

I was quite bummed out to hear of Steve Irwin's death. I've always liked him and anyone who does work to help endangered animals is ok in my book. More importantly, I hate to hear of anyone dying and leaving behind a family with such young children. It is this last part that people seem to have forgotten, which irritates me to no end. Why people have to take this time to come out and say what an animal subjugating asshole Steve Irwin was is beyond me. I mean, the poor man hasn't been dead a week and already folks are damn near gloating over his death. Can't we have some seblance of propriety and give his family time to mourn before we go on tv and the radio and say what a callous bastard the man was? It's not like he was a war criminal or something, a being so evil that his actions must be condemned, regardless of the impact on others. He wrestled gators for Christ's sake. Let's let the poor man rest in peace for a little while before we paint him as the Antichrist of the crocodile set. It's times like these I feel that my loathing for humanity in general is well founded.

I picked up Star Fox Command on my week off and am finding it to be an entertaining game, but not without fault. The flying controls are very well done. THe ship is always flying forward, which allows you to control the ship entirely with the stylus. You drag the stylus to steer the ship, tap in the upper portion of the touchscreen to do a turbo boost, tap in the lower portion to brake, and drag the stylus left to right anywhere to perform a barrel roll. This last part is needed to deflect enemy shots, collect powerups and attack motherships. Additionally you can tap a loop-de-loop button or a u-turn button to do quick turnarounds. You can use any button youd like to fire shots, but I've found the left trigger button to provide maximum firepower for minimal clickage. Bombs are also available by tapping the bomb icon on the touchscreen and dragging the bomb on to you radar. It's an odd kind of mechanic, and is more like calling in an airstrike than dropping a bom from your craft unless it's some sort of strange teleporting bomb which isn't so much dropped from your ship as magically placed in the theatre of combat. It sounds complicated, but it comes together quite well.

The game play is an odd mix of turn based strategy and spaceship flying. The turn based strategy I could do without as it seems to be just a means of extending the gameplay time in between flying missions, rather than a compliment to the space missions. At the beginning of each mission you'll have yourself, your allies and your mothership on the screen and by scribbling away the fog of war, or simply drawing paths for your ships to follow through it, you'll uncover various enemies, missles for the mothership, or general combat powerups. Once you've decided on a course of action, you perform your turn and collect powerups and engage enemies in combat, at which point it switches over to the flying missions. If, by the time you run out of turns you haven't found and defeated all of the enemies on the screen, you have to start the whole mission over again. This is particularly annoying if you've spent some time on several flying missions only to find yourself in your last mission with something like 25 enemies and only 10 seconds to defeat them all. Ditto for spending a bunch of time battling enemies in one part of the screen only to have some bastard sneak in from somewhere else and put the kablooey on your mothership. Personally, I could do without the turn based part, and wish there were a way to just turn it off, as I'm only interested in flying and blowing things up, but I can live with it to have a portable space flying game. Even with the save game structure, you can get through missions in a short amount of time, making it more conducive to short bursts of game play than Metroid Prime: Hunters. There's a Mechwarrior game on the horizon which, if devoid of turn based mission malarky, may supplant Star Fox as my space combat game of choice. We'll see. I don't consider it a bad purchase, however if you're looking for just flying and shooting, I don't know if I would recommend it. Also everyone speaks in a strange, robotic tongue, despite me not having the robot speech option turned on. Why there's even a robot speech option in the first place is beyond me.

The bloom on the Dead Rising rose has worn off, sad to say. I keep forgetting to make it to save spots and up doing the same things over and over again. I know that there are many of folks who believe that the game's save structure is a blessing as it allows you to get your character powered up for the main mission, but those people have functioning memories, unlike myself who always forgets to make it to the restroom or security office to save and up as zombie food in the mall. That and I've been spoiled by Oblivion, a game which allows you to tiptoe through the meadows and pick flowers and ride unicorns or some shit all the live long day until you're ready to jump back into the main storyline or any of a dozen storylines you've left hanging while you've played Johnny Fucking Appleseed. Now that I've had that, I demand it of all of my other games, Dead Rising included. I don't feel bad about purchasing the game, even if I don't plan on finishing it, as I would like to support the zombie in a mall genre, and I may keep it around to see what happens in the end, however Lego Star Wars is beckoning so I also may trade it in and just watch the cut scenes on YouTube.

Guitar Hero continues to plague my wrist with soreness as the Medium level songs represents a jump from Easy similar to how a 5K run represents a jump in difficulty from walking across your kitchen. Sure, you can probably run that 5k on your first try without any training, but don't expect to be hanging out at the winner's circle. I haven't been booed off the stage yet, however my run of 3-star performances isn't exactly allowing me to quit my day job and rock out full time. I'm averaging something like 100 bucks a gig. Sorry Judy, you're going to have to keep working at the Kinko's until I can spend more time with Spanish Castle Magic.

A partial set list (I say partial because it's only 20 or so songs long) for Guitar Hero 2 has been released and the rock is well represented. The addition of "Sweet Child of Mine" and "Freebird" has me slavering with anticipation. I can only hope that the character modelers at Red Octane are working on an Axel Rose snake shimmy animation for the lead singer. I would also like a Slash-esque guitar hero character model as well, complete with hat and eye covering rock hair. Still no Led Zeppelin, however hopes are high. I would like to see some extra peripherals for the guitar controller including a waa-waa pedal that you could hit to either engage your Star Power, or just change the sound of your axe. I would also like one of those mouthpiece thingies, complete with a 20 minute long Frampton song. I would not recommend using the mouthpiece in multiplayer though as I'm pretty sure you don't want to share that with someone else. I get wigged out when I have to share a controller with someone who's hands sweat during Burnout races, but maybe you're less hesitant about swapping bodily fluids with those you game with. To each their own.

I haven't been playing a lot of games lately as I'm watching back seasons of Battlestar Galactica. The show reminds me of Firefly, just without the witty banter and the swearing in Chinese. It's well written, well acted and chock full of badass space combat. I'm glad to see it's doing as well as it is, and can only assume that had Firefly been on Sci-Fi, where it would have a built in audience, rather than shuffled around to death on Fox, we'd be well into our 4th or 5th season. Oh well. I don't think I'll be caught up for the Season 3 premiere but will be Tivoing with abandon.

Finally, Redskins football starts on Monday. All is right in the world, or at least in my insignficantly small part of it.

New Digs

This all looks verrrrry familiar.

Back from Vacation

Well here we are, back from vacation. Not that I didn't know this already, but one thing a week off of work really teaches you is how much you hate working. Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying my new job, even if I'm still getting "up to speed" and don't have a tremendous amount of work to do, but last week was fan-fracking-tastic. To give you a glimpse of how I spent my week of no working, I present the traditional beginning of the school year essay...

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

This summer I took a week off of work after I quit my job and before I started my new job. It was nice. I did lots of things. My wife was home with me because she works at home. She was nice too. She ate lunch with me every day. One day we went to the Chinese restaurant for the buffet lunch. We ate a lot. Then we had milkshakes because we had coupons that were going to expire. I know it seems strange to spend 7 dollars on milkshakes because two one dollar coupons were going to expire, but mine had chocolate and peanut butter.

On Monday I watched "Dawn of the Dead". I watched the original, theatrical version. I laughed when they made fun of Johnstown, PA because my dad is from Johnstown and those people would totally spend all of their time shooting zombies. They have a lot of hunters in Johnstown and I bet they'd much rather shoot zombies than deer. They have a lot of fishermen in Johnstown too, but I don't think it would be very easy to kill zombies with a fly fishing rod. I have never tried though, so it might be easy and I just don't know. While I watched the movie, I started putting together my super cool Ultimate Collector's Lego model of the Imperial AT-ST scout walker. It had a lot of pieces and most of them were gray.

On Monday afternoon I played Dead Rising, which, like "Dawn of the Dead" is about a guy in a mall with zombies. For some reason, I'm not as excited about this game now as I was when I first got it. I played for a bunch, forgot to save, got killed and then didn't feel like starting again. Then I shut it off and lost a lot of fake money playing Texas Hold 'Em. Mom says I shouldn't gamble. She's probably right. I'm really bad at it.

Tuesday Linda stayed home too and we did yard work. We raked out the mulch under the swingset and pulled all the weeds. Then we put down landscape fabric. Then I went to the county tax commissioner's office and got my old license plates transferred to my new car. Then I went home and we took the big pile of playground mulch that was on the driveway and put it on the landscape fabric that was under the swingset. It was a big area. We put down 5 cubic yards of mulch. It was a lot of mulch. It was hot and we got really tired. We drank a lot of water but I didn't pee once because I was sweating so much. I had planned on it taking two days but because Linda was helping me, it only took one day. Linda was very helpful.

On Wednesday I watched "An American Werewolf in London" while I continued to put together my lego set. Then I came upstairs and meant to just read the paper but instead started watching "Deep Rising". It had Famke Jannsen in it. She's really hot. The movie was good and was really gory. I also went out and bought the new Pete Yorn cd and went to the pharmacy to pick up Linda's prescription and went to the game store to pick up Star Fox Command for the DS. I probably played more poker too. I think I played Oblivion. I'm not sure. I also cleaned the bathrooms.

Thursday I went to the grocery store to buy things for our friends' visit. Then I cleaned the hardwood floors. Then I watched "Starship Troopers" and kept working on my lego set. It had Denise Richards in it. The movie, not my lego set. She's really hot. The movie was good and was really gory. Then I mowed the lawn in the rain. I didn't mean to mow the lawn in the rain but I was mowing and it started raining and I didn't want to stop mowing because we had friends coming over the weekend and I couldn't mow then. I like mowing the lawn in the rain. It makes me feel like a rebel. Thursday afternoon I played Oblivion and continued working on the Daedric quests. I had to give up Umbra, but I'm really strong now and I have so many magical weapons that if one runs out of a charge, I just use another one to kill things. In the afternoon I watched "US Marshalls" and finished my Lego set. It's really tall, but the head seems out of proportion. I have no room for it in the basement. I should put it on my mantle in my bedroom next to my Batmobile.

Friday Nick, Adrienne and Luke came to visit from Virginia. We all had a good time. It was good to see them. I would like them to move here as it would be nice to have friends that are close by. Plus, Nick and I used to play tennis and now we don't and I'm fat. We all had a lot of fun over the weekend and ate a lot of junk food.

I had a very nice summer vacation. I watched a lot of good movies and played a lot of good games and got to have lunch with my wife every day. I also got to do other things with her in the daytime that I won't talk about here because I don't want to get suspended. If it were up to me, I would never go to work again and I would just watch movies and play games and eat at Chinese buffets every day. Having a job sucks.

The end.

On vacation

I am taking advantage of my time between jobs to get some yard work done and to sit on my ass and not do a goddamn thing. That includes posting, so consider me officially on vacation. I won't say that I'll definitely be gone all week, however if you're searching for a site with regular updates, this is most decidedly not the place to be looking this week.

Regular posting returns next week. Have fun.

Endings for Beginnings

The last day at work shot.  13 months later and I'm leaving the cube as I found it.  Oh how I'll miss that sterile, gray box.  Upwards and onwards.

Songs for the Deaf, Track 2

Greetings Squaddies! Welcome back.

Today's question comes again from Dennis who asks,

Where is the physical point of origin for the universe's expansion?

Finally, an easy question. Here's your answer: I don't know. And not just me, but science doesn't know either. Well science as we currently know it doesn't know and not only does it not know, but it can't know. How's that for an answer?

Here's what we do know. At some point in time, roughly 13.7 billion years ago, according to Hubble's Law, the universe began expanding. Well, that's not entirely correct. We are able to first observe the universe expanding 13.7 billion years ago. No doubt, something happened prior to that point to create all the matter in the universe and some expansion would have taken place prior to our being able to observe it, however our current scientific theories completely break down in those moments, rendering the point moot. In other words, scientific theory, as we now know it, can only account for what happened after a certain point in the universe's life. Prior to that, we don't know what happened nor can we know.

The point in time in which we can start getting some idea as to what went on is one Planck time after t = 0 for the universe. One Planck time is the length of time it takes a photon to travel one Planck length or 1.6 × 10-35 meters. So, roughly speaking, something happened and at that time and at that place, all the matter and energy in the universe was created and all fundamental theories were combined, living in perfect harmony, no doubt singing joyously about thier grand unification. One Planck time after that, gravity said "Fuck this, I'm outta here" and split off. At that point, theoretical physics can start giving us some idea as to what was going on.

Just as we can't speak to the universe at a time younger than one Planck time, quantum physics says we can't speak of the universe as being smaller than one Planck length as if we did, we'd basically be speaking of a point in space and time that has infinite density, due the fact that everything in creation would have to be packed into one really, really small space. Way smaller than a breadbox.

If you are unsatisfied with this answer and need to know the current center of the universe's expansion, you need only look within. Hubble's Law tells us that the universe is expanding outward equally, such that for any observer it would appear that the universe is expanding outwards from them. Imagine, if you will, that the universe is a cookie and you and I are chocolate chips in said cookie. As the cookie bakes and expands uniformly, you and I will move farther and farther apart. From your point of view, you're not moving at all and I'm the one getting farther away. From where I'm sitting, you're the one moving away. Eventually someone comes and eats us both, that being the inevitable hand of Death, so there's not much of a point in arguing it anyways, but you asked, so I answered.

So there you have it. Where did the universe start? I don't know and neither does anyone else. Well, anyone on this planet anyways. Where is the universe currently expanding from? That would be me. Or maybe it's you. It's all relative.

A special prize will be awarded to the first person to tell me what the title of this post has to do with the post itself. Respond via the comments.

Sources:
"The Expanding Universe" - Gary Felder, 2000
Wikipedia - Big Bang
Wikipedia - Planck Epoch
Wikipedia - Planck Time
Wikipedia - Graphical Timeline of the Big Bang

Call Me

Oh, the joys of the Smartphone.

Recently, last week to be exact, my wife, who is a wonderous object of luminous beauty, purchased for me the Treo 700p, which is also a wonderous object of luminous beauty. Funny how things work out that way. As an employee of Sprint, she not only got the phone at the rate that others get only when signing 2 year contracts, providing a pint of blood, and signing over all claims to lands both here and in the afterlife, but her employment also confers upon me the joys of a monthly bill somewhere south of 20 dollars. This includes normal phone usage, unlimited text messaging, and more importantly, unlimited data usage.

Now, the upside of this is that I can use the phone to do pretty much anything and everything it was created to do, short of watching the premium tv channels. The bad news is that even if Sprint somehow relocated to Hell, and instead of being a Technical Writer, Linda was placed in charge of letting the HellBeasts feast on the gizzards of the damned, she would not be able to quit as I can't be without my data plan, nor can I justify spending 80 bucks a month just so that I can read the email informing me of my winning bid on Battlestar Galactica: Season One whilst I idle at a red light. Such is the devilish powers of these baubles. They quickly insinuate themselves into your lives to the point where you can't remember when you didn't have them. Like children, only with bright shiny screens and less dinner time pooping.

I'm still getting used to the phone and its myriad features, however I have gotten used to it enough to tell you that this thing is an amazing little piece of technology. The Economist ran an article upon the 25th anniversary of the PC basically saying that it was the mobile phone, not the PC that was carrying forward the notion of unlimited communication and portable computing power that seemed to be the birthright of the PC. When I use this phone, I have to agree with them. Email, web access, document creation, editing and viewing, movies, music, games and a phone, all in something that can fit in your pocket. Now, as phones go, it costs a pretty penny, but compared to the price of a PC, it's downright economical. That's not to say that you can ditch your PC and do all of your work on a Treo, however given that mobile phones have a greater penetration in underdeveloped nations than PC's do, a phone like this will do more to carry forth the notion of what a computer can do better than any PC.

But I digress. The damn thing works like a charm. Setting up things like email accounts, web bookmarks and other data applications is quick and easy. There's something like 9 email applications on the blasted thing depending on whether or not you want business email, personal email or some sort of setup that has you communicating with livestock. It comes loaded with multiple email profiles for things like Comcast, Earthlink, Google, etc so all you do is enter username and password and boom, you're off and emailing.

Most applications can be used with either the touchscreen or the 5-way rocker button, however some things, like certain games, can only be played with the stylus-touchscreen combo. That's to be expected as Mahjong would be an exercise in futility if you tried to select tiles with only the 5-way rocker. Some things, the phone in particular don't work nearly as well using only the touchscreen. The mute button, for example, is very small and requires either the use of the stylus, or the use of a particularly sharp and focused fingernail. I am considering growing a coke dealer/pimp nail on my pinkie so that I can better utilize my phone's features. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the use of the touchscreen, however when I'm using the phone, I want to use it as a phone and having to get the stylus out for muting seems like far too much work. I also call into question my cleanliness when I hang up and see a smear of ear grease on the touchscreen. Can't be helped, I guess.

Call quality is excellent, even if the signal switches from non-roaming to roaming randomly in the confines of our home even if the phone is left alone and not moved a millimeter. As I didn't have a signal at all in our house with Nextel service, any extra bars, even if they be roaming ones, are welcome. Besides, I don't pay for roaming, so what's it to me? The phone can be bouncing signals off of towers in fucking Poland for all I care. When I have a full set of non-roaming bars, the phone is identical in quality to a landline. No more will I drive home, listening to conference calls, desperately hoping that noone is asking me anything directly as I can't make out a single goddamned word anyone is saying. Now I can hear things clearly and cleanly. For the record, people don't seem to care I'm on the call, so all that worrying was for naught.

The Sprint TV application is pretty cool. I'm happy to download the Ghost Rider trailer and watch it as I wait for my bagel to be prepared however I wouldn't consider it a necessary feature. When the NFL is in full swing, it may hold more appeal, but I think I have to pay extra for that and I'm perfectly happy waiting until I get home to see how my team has fared. This device has cured me of the need for a video iPod, not that I had much of one in the first place, as I can't see myself watching anything for any length of time on such a small screen lest my already aged and infirmed eyes whither and die in their sockets from such fervent straining. Getting video on this thing can't be any harder than it was for the PSP, an exercise in technological bullshittery if ever there was one, so I can quickly turn it into a video iPod of sorts if I feel the need.

There seem to be no shortage of apps for the device, some that work well and seamlessly with the other preloaded apps, some that seem to have been made by epileptic monkeys. Needing to shut down my IM client just so that I can choose to connect to an additional service would be one of the latter. It's free, so I can't complain too much, however it is easy to see that there are those that believe in standards for the device's software and those that laugh at the idea of standards and then fling poo at your person. So far my favorite application is one that allows you to use mp3's as ringtones, assigning different ones to any of your contacts. Linda's is the chorus of "Old Dan Tucker" as realized by a one Mr. Bruce Springsteen. Well, not yet as I don't have an SD card to hold them, but soon I will. Not sure what I'm going to do for Andy, something from Nick Cave, no doubt, but I'm not too concerned as the fucker never calls me. Ever. In fact, no one ever calls me, so all of this work seems to be wasted time, but I'm having fun with it, and in the end, that's all that matters. I'm not sure what my default ring tone is going to be, but the chorus of "Brandy" by The Looking Glass is calling to me much like the sea called to those callous, waitress ignoring fuckers in the song.

To sum up, it's a fucking kick ass little piece of technology and for a big old dork like me, it confers a certain air of gadget supremacy. My phone can, and will, beat up your phone. Yes, it's a bit of an exaggeration to say that I can't live without the thing, especially given that I've only had it a week. It's more like I wouldn't want to go on living were it to be taken from me. That, on the other hand, seems perfectly reasonable.

It's A Dead Man's Party

Not a lot to talk about on the gaming side. I bought Dead Rising but wasn't going to start playing it until I had a) finished the main quest in Oblivion and b) finished Kameo. Last weekend I finished the main quest in Oblivion and then realized that I didn't like Kameo all that much. As a result, the plastic came off of Dead Rising and I played a little.

It's a fun game, however if you're going to play it, make sure you like staring at loading screens as the flow of the game goes something like this:

Fight zombies
Loading screen
Cut scene
Loading screen
Cut scene
Loading screen
Run through zombies
Loading screen
Cut scene
Loading screen
Cut scene
Loading screen
etc
Loading screen
ok, that's enough
Loading screen

Thankfully, those times that involve fighting zombies allow you to do things like hit them with hot frying pans, run through them with an open patio umbrella, chop them up with a push mower and smash them over the head with large, ceramic planters. After a while, the loading screen becomes your friend as it allows to collect your wits and decide what seemingly normal object you're going to use to dispatch the shambling masses of the undead. Maybe a cd case? Perhaps a nightstick? Without the loading screen to provide a well deserved diversion, you might not think to smack a zombie with a severed hand from its recently dispatched co-zombie.

The cutscenes are well done, and well acted in the voice department and have the usual Capcom cute chick with big boobs. The Department of Homeland Security may see an increase in job applications from young, barely post-pubescent men who see it as the only viable option should they want to pursue a career in both smashing zombies and ogling women.

The much derided save system deserves every bit of criticism flung its way as it is both cumbersome and silly. Having one save is bad, but having a mission structure that demands you be at a certain place at a certain time, lest the entire game come to a screeching halt and you can't proceed is fucking stupid. Why Capcom felt that people, when faced with a mall filled with zombies and nearly every means of killing them possible, wouldn't want to just spend time killing said zombies is beyond me. They should take some time talking to the fine folks at Bethesda who, with their excellent RPG Oblivion, have realized that people want to do things at their own pace and if that means putting off the main quest for 75+ hours while they run through meadows and pick flowers, then OK, let them go and do that. I have heard rumors of an Infinite mode where you can run around the mall and kill zombies all the live long day, but my understanding is that this mode doesn't include the various escort missions, which would make it somewhat difficult to obtain certain achievements without starting the main game all over again. At least the game allows you to keep all of your experience should you spend too much time hitting zombies in the face with a toolbox and miss a mission. At least then you don't feel like you just wasted all that time and it makes your character a leaner, more efficient zombie killing machine.

Myself, I have come up with a solution to this save/mission system in which I don't give a fuck about the other people trapped in the mall and instead let them instead realize their dreams of being a huddled, shivering, zombie buffet. This allows me to be in the right place at the right time, to get the missions, and prevents me from having to give up my weapons and food to keep these morons alive as I escort them back to the security office. I have to admit, that the first time I saw the "James Smith is Dead" overlay on the screen, informing me that the poor chap trapped in the Hair Barn just met his demise, I felt bad for poor James. Now, when I see those screens I cackle with glee as I know that I won't be held behind by their plaintive wailings and substandard speed. Plus, if James is dead, I'm sure he'll come back as a zombie which will give me a chance to apologize before I cave his zombie face in with a mannequin arm. Here's hoping he understands. I'd hate for it to become a thing between us.

Soon the gaming deluge of DS games will be upon us, so I need to spend some time clearing up space in the old DS case. Between that, Guitar Hero, Dead Rising, Oblivion, the mewling of my all but abandoned copy of Burnout Revenge and the newly downloaded games for my new Treo there's a lot of gaming to be done and very little time to do it. Thankfully I have a week in between jobs to help me ease the load. It's a tough job, but I think I'm up for it. Now, if you'll excuse me, but my weedwhacker has a hankering for a hunk of, a slab or slice or chunk of, a hankering for a hunk of zombie.

Aw yeah. We just got mobile all up in this beeyotch.

I'm Not Dead Yet

Greetings Squaddies! Welcome back. Today's question comes from Dennis, who, in a fit of feline concern asks:

Is Schrodinger's Cat dead yet?

My answer would have to be, I don't know, but I'd rather you check because I don't want to be the one that kills it. Ha! Ah, physics humor, is there nothing funnier?

Right. Schrodinger's Cat is a thought exercise dreamt up by Erwin Schrodinger to point out some of the fallacies of an early version of the theory of quantum mechanics. Rather than have me paraphrase it, I'll just repeat the paradox here:

A cat is placed in a sealed box. Attached to the box is an apparatus containing a radioactive atomic nucleus and a canister of poison gas. This apparatus is separated from the cat in such a way that the cat can in no way interfere with it. The experiment is set up so that there is exactly a 50% chance of the nucleus decaying in one hour. If the nucleus decays, it will emit a particle that triggers the apparatus, which opens the canister and kills the cat. If the nucleus does not decay, then the cat remains alive. According to quantum mechanics, the unobserved nucleus is described as a superposition (meaning it exists partly as each simultaneously) of "decayed nucleus" and "undecayed nucleus". However, when the box is opened the experimenter sees only a "decayed nucleus/dead cat" or an "undecayed nucleus/living cat."

Given this explanation, my joke now becomes all the funnier. See, if Dennis is the one who opens the box and observes the cat then he's the one who collapses the wavefunction into either dead or alive and, in the case of dead, he'd be the one who "kills" the cat. Get it? I'll wait for you to finish laughing.

Now, in reality, a system need not be observed only by us humans, or something with senses, to be considered "observed", something Schrodinger knew and was trying to point out. In his paradox, the instrument that collects the radiation from the decayed particle would act as the observer and, as a result, would collapse the wave function down into the decayed nucleus/dead cat option. It would be pretty silly of us to think that we need be the observer in order for such a collapse to take place.

This brings us to the idea of decoherence. Decoherence is the mechanism by which a quantum system's information is "leaked" into the surrounding environment so that a situation like dead cat/alive cat combinations don't exist in any measureable way. In other words, it may appear that the wavefunction has collapsed, but in reality, we just can't measure the superposition of the wavefunctions. Clear as mud, right?

So, if we take our cat system into consideration again, what kind of "information" can leak into the environment should we discount the observational abilities of the geiger counter? Well, for one, the cat would certainly know if it were alive or dead. Second, if the cat were alive, the change in the surrounding environment due to the cat breathing would count as "observations". If the cat were dead, the various bacteria that live in the cat that can now start the process of decomposition would "observe" that the cat was dead, effectively collapsing the wave function. Decoherence tells us that for something like a cat in a box, there are just too many damn atomic particles, all getting tangled up with each other, that the uncertainty as to the state of these particles is effectively zero. The cat isn't in a state of death and life at the same time, it's either one or the other, we just don't know which one until we open the box. I realize that quantum physics isn't taking into consideration the Theory of Zomibification, in which an undead, zombie cat can exist as both alive and dead at the same time, but that's a discussion for another time.

Now, decoherence is interesting because if you can keep a particle's superposition of states going, even after being "observed" there are significant applications there for quantum computing. We won't get into it too much here, as it's a pretty deep topic, but if you can imagine how in "classical" computing, everything is based on ones and zeroes, you can only imagine how much computing power would increase if a particle could be made to be both a one and a zero at the same time. Jinkies!

So Dennis, in summary, I don't know if ol' Erwin's cat is dead or not, but, like before, I'm going to ask that you check, 'cause if he ain't, I'm sure that fucker is pissed.

Sources:
Wikipedia - Schrodinger's Cat
Wikipedia - Decoherence
Brad Marston - Killing Cats
John Boccio - "How Decoherence Kills Schrodinger's Cat"

A New Car!

As I mentioned last week, changes are afoot at Chez Cackowski-Schnell. One change, a rather big one, is that I have a new job. Yay for me. As a rule, I don't talk about employment things here, as I like being gainfully employed and wouldn't want something to be taken the wrong way and I end up out of doors. So, that's pretty much all you're going to get on the subject. Just to cover my ass, everyone I've ever worked for is fucking awesome. Please don't fire me.

When Linda and I moved here to beautiful Georgia one of the trinkets she dangled in front of me was a new car. And not just any car, but a Nissan 350Z. I've been in love with the Z since they redesigned and rereleased it. I downloaded wallpapers for our computer, ordered a free pack of cards from Nissan with various pictures of the Z on them, and generally lusted after the day when I would be able to rocket down the highway, inches above the ground, dangerously close to breaking various laws of both road and physics.

After a year in GA without need of a new roof, new siding, some sort bit of strange reconstructive surgery, or any other unforeseen bit of monetary outlay that can normally place a dent in one's finances, we realized that we had the money to purchase a new car. Oh yeah. So, armed with our package from Fighting Chance, a desire to buy and a need for speed, we commenced a blitzkrieg like attack on the local car dealerships. On Thursday night, our fruits bore labor and I sped home from the dealership in my new, shiny, 240 horsepower...Honda Odyssey.

Insert scratching record sound here.

I know, I know, a Honda Odyssey, a minivan by the way, is about as far from a Nissan 350Z as you can get and still be a form of automotive transportation however, in these situations, I find it best to rely on the joy of mathematics. You see, we all use numbers, some of us daily, and the equation to keep in mind here is 350Z + 2 seats = not enough seating for 2 adults + 2 kids + the family members who insist on coming to visit us. The Odyssey, on the other hand, has seating for roughly 3 dozen people, and something on the order of 195 cupholders. Oh, it also has a DVD player with 9 inch pulldown screen, XM radio and navigation system that can not only get you from home to the nearest Dairy Queen, but let you control the audio system, temperature controls, dvd player and the fucking clock with nothing but your wits and the mellifluous tones of your voice.

Now, buying a minivan made me confront a longstanding belief that I've had, namely that people who own minivans can't drive to save their fucking lives. Maybe because they're so big that I notice them cutting me off more than I would a normal size car. Maybe I was put off by their boxy appearance and couldn't see past the lack of aesthetics. Or maybe, just maybe, most of the people who drive minivans can't drive to save their fucking lives. I'm going with this last one, although notice that this time I added "most" as I am now among their accursed numbers and I know I can drive. I have a license from the state and everything.

As minivans go, it's pretty damn nice. It has some style on the outside, and the interior is pretty spacious and well laid out. I'm not kidding about the cup holders. There's something like 18 of them, which seems a bit excessive for a vehicle that can carry, at most, 8 people, and that's if most of them have some sort of eating disorder. Why you need each person riding in your vehicle to be able to have not just one, but a variety of beverages at their fingertips eludes me, but I'm happy to have the option.

The navigation system works well as a means of getting you from point A to point B unscathed, but not as well at directing you towards the nearest restaurant, home improvement store, or marina, as it seems to not be completely up to date as to the fine dining we have here in the soon-to-be town of Milton. When sitting in the parking lot of Lowe's Home Improvement store, the "home improvement" part being the most important, and asking the navigation system to find you the nearest home improvement store, it wants to send you 6 miles out of your way to Al's Shovel Emporium. Clearly, some updates are in order. Thankfully, I'm well aware of the location of the nearest Wendy's, so I don't need the system to point out those particular landmarks.

XM radio kicks ass, if for nothing but the ability to listen to filthy, filthy comedy as I drive to work. Not sure if I'll keep it after the free three months, as my new job is only 10 minutes from my house, a 75% reduction in commute time, so I'm not sure how much I'll need it. Then again, with everything this van has, we've pretty much taken "need" and thrown it right out the fucking window. Did I mention that there's a camera that shows you what's behind you when you put the van in reverse? See what I mean? Need comes nowhere close to this fucker.

The fax attack method espoused by Mr. Bragg at Fighting Chance is a work of fucking genius. If you are willing to spend $34.95 and maybe 2 hours of time reading the materials, putting together your faxes and sending the faxes off, you will be rewarded not only with a fantastic deal on a car, but with the satisfaction of bringing car salesmen to their knees. I hope that some day, you, dear reader, have the opportunity to feel the joy that comes from hanging up on a car salesman after you all but point out that his spurious line of bullshit will do nothing to get you to buy a car from him. It is a moment constructed from sunlight and babies' laughter and it flits aloft on gossamer wings.

When the dust had settled, we ended up paying somewhere between 1400 and 800 under invoice, depending on how much all the aftermarket parts cost the dealer, and not the bullshit invoice price the dealer tells you, but the real invoice price. All of this without having to set foot into the dealership except to test drive and sign the paperwork. Booyah.

Now, the realization that I was going to be minivan owners was not one that was welcomed with open arms however there comes a time in every person's life when they have to take stock in who they are and where they are in their lives. I'm not a cool person. I've never been one and most likely will never be one. Trying to change this by means of a car, even a car as glorious as the 350Z is an exercise in futility. I am reminded of the pig, who, upon donning a summertime frock, finds themeselves still positively porcine. No, me buying a car won't make me cool, so I might as well buy something that's going to be as useful as possible, especially if I'm going to drop as much on it as this thing cost. Besides, all thoughts of cool are put aside when I consider that I can have sex with my wife in the back of the van while "Butch Walker live in Budokan" plays on the DVD player. I'll take that over cool any day.

Maybe, maybe not

Sorry for the lack of a post yesterday. Changes are afoot at the house and as a result, spare time is at a minimum. I'm not going to make any promises for posts this week so you're on your own. Don't worry, once everything is settled I shall return with glorious tales of high adventure! Huzzah!

I Wanna Rock

Today's gaming post continues our current trend of commenting on games everyone else has already played, loved and talked about to death as we delve into the rocking world of Guitar Hero.

I'm going to put something out here that may seem odd at first, given how much time we, as gamers, spend gaming, but hear me out and I think you'll agree. As much as we enjoy playing games, and putting our virtual counterparts through their paces, with few exceptions, we don't really want to be those people. Think about it. God of War is fun to play, but who in their right mind would want to be Kratos, he of the chain seared arms, skin permanently covered with the ashes of his family, murdered by his own hand? I love playing GRAW, but I usually end up either shot by a latin american rebel, shot by Andy, or blown up by my own grenade. None of these appeal to me. Zelda is a blast, but who wants to have to use huge jars as a means of getting from one place to another? Not me. Even Splinter Cell seems like it'd be a real hoot to live through until you have to spend 15 minutes flattened against the Pepsi machine because the patrolling guard can't decide between Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew Code Red.

Sports and racing games are exception to this rule, as I know plenty of people who would want to either score the game winning touchdown or tear through the streets of Las Vegas in their souped up Esprit. To that list of exceptions I would add Guitar Hero. In fact, I would place it at the top of that list, because for my money, the only thing I want to do in a stadium, is rock it the fuck out.

The reason Guitar Hero works so well in this regard is the controller. There is no way, with the best of controllers, that pressing a button can make you feel even remotely like you have just put some guard in a headlock. There is no trigger on any gamepad that can make you feel like you just put a round of buckshot into a marauding alien. The disconnect between the controller and the things we're controlling in games is just too wide. Not so with Guitar Hero. Yes it's a smaller, infinitely simpler guitar, but it is a guitar. You strap it on like a guitar, you plug it in to your PS2 with a long cord like a guitar and you strum it and hit the whammy bar like a guitar. Yes, you feel like an idiot for the first 5 seconds but then the opening chords of "I Wanna Be Sedated" come out of your speakers, by your own hand no less, and those feeling evaporate. It is as if the Gods of Rock have come to Earth, been made plastic and placed in your waiting arms. You want to rock and no one, not even Doug Neidermeyer can keep you from doing so.

Before we go further, a little background on me. I have loved music for as long as I can remember. I used to have this Eric Clapton tape, tape 2 from the Crossroads set, that I listened to every day on my way to and from good old Albany High School. It was, in my opinion, the best tape in the set, nay, the best tape in creation, as it started with his work with Cream, moving to Blind Faith, Bonnie and Delaney, some solo stuff, and ending with some of his work with Derek and the Dominoes. The Cream version of Crossroads, was my personal favorite. I knew every goddamned note of that song, and would play it, rewind it, play it, rewind it, play it, rewind it, just so that I could feel like me and my air guitar were laying it down.

Imagine my surprise when decades later, I get to the final set list of songs in Guitar Hero (Easy level anyways) and what song is the final song in the list, but my good friend Crossroads. The first time I played the song, I was so amazed that this was the song, the song that I had dreamt about rocking out too so long ago, that I completely fucked it up. I then stopped, gathered my cool, walked out on that stage like I fucking owned it, because I did, and me and my axe tore that shit up. Tore. That. Shit. Up. 5 stars, 98% complete, boom. Granted, it was on Easy, but the feeling was so amazing, the memories of walking to school dreaming about playing those notes in front of an audience were so real, that it ceased being a game and started being something that makes dreams come true. I know it sounds stupid, but lets be honest. I am 34 years old. The chances of me learning guitar, learning that song and playing it in front of an audience of people are so remote, this is the closest thing I have. I will gladly take it.

For those of you haven't played the game, this will probably sound silly. How much can it possibly be like the real thing? More than words can possibly express. You start off trying to figure out just what buttons need to be pressed and when. Next thing you know you're playing "Infected" by Bad Religion over and over because it's just that much fun, and you can learn it well enough to not just walk around while playing, but strut and swagger. The connection between you, the controller and the song is so strong, that I defy anyone to finish playing Hendrix's "Spanish Castle Magic" and not drop to one's knees, place their controller in front of them and pretend that their guitar is on fire.

The song selection is top notch, with classics like "Iron Man", "Ace of Spades", "Sharp Dressed Man" and "Smoke on the Water" on the set list with newer songs like Franz Ferdinand's "Take Me Out", The Donna's "Take it Off" and "Higher Ground" from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. There are some notable admissions for a game that rocks so strongly, however I can understand some bands not wanting to license their songs for a game, not knowing how the final product would come out.

Now that the game has caught on and bands can see how good it is, I'd like to see these omissions rectified, one of which, the most glaring one at that, can be summed up in two words: Led Zeppelin. It is an undisputed fact that Led Zeppelin rocked harder than any other band in rock and roll, either before their arrival or since their departure. Board certified, independent Rockologists have measured the amount that Led Zeppelin rocked and have determined that no other band rocks or rocked nearly as hard. I am an openminded person, and will gladly take alternate viewpoints on a variety of subjects, weighing them against my own opinions and experiences, however anyone who would dispute the amount that Led Zeppelin rocks would have their opinions classified by me as those of a raving lunatic, on the order of someone who would deny the existence of water.

Cast your mind over the vast expanse of Led Zeppelin's catalog, and you will come up with fistfuls of songs that would cause a near cataclysmic amount of personal rocking should they appear in Guitar Hero 2. "Whole Lotta Love"? Rock. "The Ocean"? Rock. "Rock and Roll", "Heartbreaker", "I Can't Quit You Babe", fucking "Immigrant Song"? Rock, rock, r to the o-c-k, rock. Only by playing these songs, and somehow plugging into Led Zeppelin's infinite capacity to rock, can our own rock capacity be elevated.

Now some may not be able to handle how much Led Zeppelin rocks and as such will be unworthy to be touched by the fingers of the Gods of Rock. I am not one of those people. To the Gods I say this, I will rock any time, any place, for any length of time, be it the short, blistering length of "Immigant Song" or the long, episodic rock out that is "Kashmir" or "In My Time of Dying". Bring the rock, oh Gods of Rock, bring it to me in the form of Led Zeppelin songs and I will carry your glory forth for all to hear. If, on the other hand, licensing issues don't work out, I'd be happy with The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again", Aerosmith's "Train Kept A Rollin'" or Ozzy's "Crazy Train". You know, whatever works.

Should Guitar Hero come to the 360, and the notion of downloadable song packs becomes a reality, I will rock out indefinitely, until this world is nothing dust and memories. Imagine, song packs becoming available as licensing issues get worked out. 5 Who songs for 10 bucks? Um, yes please. The ability to extend the life of this game would achieve Oblivion like proportions. Plus, how cool would a wireless guitar controller be? Wicked cool.

So, thank you Red Octane, for letting a young, lanky lad from upstate New York realize his dreams of rocking out. Thank you for giving me a reason to love music even more, even if it is balanced by momentary bouts of blazing hatred for Queens of the Stone Age. Stupid "No One Knows".

Electricity, E-lec-tricity!

Greetings Squaddies! Welcome back. As you can see, I have gotten my shit together enough to post today. Yay me. It remains to be seen if it will be any good, but it's this or nothing, so take your pick.

Today's question comes from Ever Curious Andy who asks:

How do electric eels generate a voltage and why do they not get shocked in the process?

An interesting question, especially for anyone who has ever been on the receiving end of one of those shocks. From what I've read, they can be quite painful, possibly lethal. But first, a clarification. Electric Eels, or Electrophorus electricus, isn't actually an eel, it's an eel shaped fish. It is the strongest of the electricity producing fish which also include electric catfish and torpedo rays.

Electric eels use electricity for everything, navigation, communication, eating and powering their homes. Just kidding on that last one. The electric eel doesn't "breathe", using their gills to extract oxygen from the water, as other fish do. Instead the electric eel's mouth is used to extract oxygen by gulping air above the water's surface. As a result of this, having a spiny, moving fish in their mouth would most likely damage their mouths to the point where they could no longer breathe. In order for the electric eel to swallow their prey whole, they need to either a) come up behind it all stealthy like and swallow it quickly, or b) zap the hell out of it and swallow the incapacitated thing. Usually they choose the latter.

To accomplish this, the electric eel has a combination of three electrical organs which take up roughly 4/5 of their bodies. One of these organs is used to generate a low level electric field used for navigation and locating prey. The other two are used to generate the pulse used to incapacitate prey and keep their George Foreman grill hot and ready to make burgers.

The two other electrical organs consist of thousand of electrocytes. Each electrocyte acts as a small battery, capable of generating about .15 volts. These electrocytes are stacked in series, like the batteries in your flashlight, such that the positive end of the battery is at the head of the eel and the negative end is at the tail. Now, .15 volts might not seem like a lot, but when 4000 of them all fire at the same time, the resulting shock is on the order of 600 volts, which is more than enough to make for a very bad day for you or I.

Rather than rephrase exactly how these cells work to generate a charge, I'll quote here:

At rest, the Na+K+ pump, concentration and electrical gradient keeps the inside of the electrocyte at a resting potential of .08 volt. When the electric eel electrolocates its prey, the brain sends a signal through the nervous system to the electric organs. Acetylcholine is dropped onto the electrocyte which binds to the corresponding receptor on the ion. This opens the ion channels of the cell, allowing Na+ to rush in. The cell then depolarizes, momentarily reversing the charge, and fires. - Melissa Engalls, Electric Eel

In order for the pulse to be effective the eel needs to discharge all of its electrocytes at the same time. This is accomplished as a result of a combination of longer neural connections to the electrocytes closer to the head and thinner neurons which slow down the neural activity. In other words, the signal from the eel's brain to the electrocytes closer to the head are slowed down so that they arrive at the same time as the signals going to the eel's tail. As a result, all cells fire at the same time and boom goes the dynamite.

Now, why the eel doesn't end up a deep fried specimen as a result of this, no one seems to know. Some folks seem to think that the eel does get shocked, but that the eel's location relative to where the shock is in the water keeps it from getting too shocked. Other ideas are that the eel's thick, course skin insulates it from the shock. One source I read mentioned that an eel with severely damaged skin will eventually shock itself to death, however I couldn't find anything else to back this up, and the fact that eels will drown if they don't gulp air enough makes me wonder if this particular eel's demise can be attributed solely to a poorly defined skin care regiment.

I can say, that from an evolutionary standpoint, if the electric eel did shock itself every time it went to eat, it would have died out long before you or I emerged from the muck and started discussing it. From a survival of the fittest perspective, any species that incapacitates itself when it tries to eat ain't sticking around for dessert. Uncle Larry's post-Thanksgiving dinner unconsciousness doesn't count.

For those of you who are thinking that the electric eel would make a fantastic pet, look elsewhere. The electric eel will pretty much shock anything that comes near it, so should you ever need to handle Li'l Sparky, you may find large gaps in your memory that just happen to coincide with when you tried to clean the eel tank. Better you should stick to goldfish.

Sources:
Melissa Ingalls - Electric Eel
University of Bristol - The Electric Eel, T. Riis-Johannessen
Who Zoo - The Electric Eel, LaTasha Cormier
Scientific American.com - Ask the Experts: Biology